


Pulled Apart

by hamburgs11



Series: The Youtube Gang [2]
Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Cameos from other youtubers, Drama, Eventual Romance, I'll try not to make it too terrible but yknow, M/M, Maybe some Romance, Romance, Slow Burn, maybe not, you'll have to wait and see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2020-10-30 03:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 47,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20807684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburgs11/pseuds/hamburgs11
Summary: Not much can be said about Jack (Hooverr) and Alex's (Quackity) friendship. Their best buddies, the best of the best and they would do anything to make sure the other stayed safe. But lately there's been a new person in Jack's corner, a girlfriend. And it messes up their friendship beyond repair as new feelings develop. They'll just have to learn how to become alright with the changes or find a common ground if they want to stay friends. But that's easier said than done.





	1. Anxiety

It was another year at PAX, this year being bigger and better than any year before. Practically every youtuber was here either supporting their friends or getting mauled by fans left and right.

Alex, Aka Quackity, had wanted to sit out this year not having enough money to come but Jack, Aka Hooverr, paid for him without a second thought. By that point he couldn't decline, his persistent friend having already bought his ticket.

So here he was. At the most crowded convention he had ever been to, hiding in the handicapped bathroom. Because he hadn't planned on not coming because of the money, if he really wanted to he could have saved knowing full well it was coming up, but the problem was the crowds. Don't get him wrong he loved his fans and the feeling of warmth they gave him, but he was also deathly afraid of crowds. What could happen in them- the whole unexpected aspect of it.

_Fucking social anxiety._ He took a second from pitying himself to look at himself in the mirror, which just made him pity himself more.

The exhaustion was clear on his face already, his eyes baggy and drooping almost like an old persons. He would have made a joke, if he wasn't all weak in the knees and having to keep himself up by his hands firmly planted on the counter. He tried to swallow in some saliva, but he found his mouth dry and rough. A headache was starting to form.

He had only been there for a full hour before he couldn't handle it and ran off from the group. Alex didn't think anyone saw him, but in the moment he could have cared less with how fast his head was throbbing.

He turned on the sink, dipping his head close to the water to catch some in his mouth.

It was easier recording in his room because he knew no one could find him there. Even if they knew his face, they never knew where he was and in turn he didn't have to worry. And he had been to PAX before many times, but somehow he still felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest from anxiety.

Maybe it was the fact that he lived in Mexico and not America where they were right now. Maybe it was the fact that more and more violence had made itself visible in this state. Maybe it was just the crowds getting bigger. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe it was everything piled together in a messy bow.

He was usually all energetic and ready to mess around, but right now he looked like he had been dying slowly for a long time. He took in a deep breath, trying to steady his breath as he turned off the sink. Closing his eyes, he imagined himself in his room again.

_Only a few hours. Only a few hours._ He repeated over and over again.

Until there was a knock at the door and he had to quickly pull himself out of his thoughts. _Someone who's actually disabled probably needs the bathroom._ He thought, grabbing a few paper towels before making his leave.

"Alex...?" The voice stopped him in his tracks. _Jack?_

Alex couldn't move now as his throat became like a desert once again. He caught the face in the mirror, the sweat still visible on his face. Jack wouldn't think anything of it. Probably just think it's water.

_He's not that dumb. He is dumb. Just not that much._ He felt defeated, wiping his face with the paper towels before tossing them one by one in the trash. _He would definitely find it suspicious when the water kept coming out of my face as we walked through the crowds._

"Fuck. The crowds. I forgot." Jack sounded like he was practically beating himself up out there. Alex knew that Jack wasn't being rude when he forgot, it's just that Alex had told him so long ago about the anxiety and kept it hidden to make him feel better through the past few years. He would usually go to the bathroom here and there to throw up and that would make him less obvious. But Alex couldn't pretend anymore and it had become fairly obvious this time around. "Please just say something so that I don't have to worry that I'm talking to some random person."

He didn't know what to say. He had been caught by his friend without him having seen his face and it almost shocked him. But Jack was his best friend and knew him better than anyone, even Aksel.

"Yeah. Some random person here." His voice came out rough and grainy, unlike his own. He was starting to feel more sick as time went on. Alex could hear Jack's body lean against the door. He wasn't laughing like he would at Alex's stupid jokes.

"How bad is it?" The question was small and barely heard but it was loaded. No matter how Alex answered, Jack would be affected in one way or another.

If he said it wasn't that bad, Jack would know he was lying and Alex would just make him feel worse by lying. But if he said it was so bad he was dying, Jack would crumble and take him away from here.

But no matter how much Alex wanted him to take him away. To go to some close by place and just chill with his best friend, he couldn't want that anymore, not without the new addition to Jack's life.

So he stayed quiet.

Jack seemed to have gotten his answer, his sigh being heard from behind the door. "Come out of the bathroom. Me and you are going to the restaurant down the street." His voice was demanding. And when he got that way, Alex knew it was a serious situation.

"No. You can't." Alex hesitated for a moment, passing a hand through his sweaty hair. "You can't leave your girlfriend by herself. And you're supposed to be showing her around. It's her first time remember." Alex nervously laughed, grabbing his grey beanie from the marble counter and sliding it on his head.

"But-" Jack started.

"I can't ruin this for her. I can handle this Jack. I have for years." Alex interrupted, taking a quick glance towards himself in the mirror. He was looking vaguely better now, the old person look dimming and slowly going back to his normal form. But the smile on his face is what caught him off guard. That fake, painful, smile that caused him to look away.

"Ok. Fine. If you're going to be your normal stubborn self, wait here for a moment." Alex inched towards the door, confused at the demand. Why did he need to wait? He told him he would be leaving by himself. But reluctantly he did as told, scratching at his hand.

Within a few boring anxious minutes of Alex trying to figure out how he was gonna sneak through the crowds, familiar footsteps walked towards the door again. Alex placed his hand on the handle. "Ok. Come out." Alex made sure before that he was at least presentable, the color mostly back to his face now. Jack had seen him in his worst state, but if Alex was going to be going off on his own he had to look like he wasn't worried so that Jack wouldn't be even more worried.

He made sure to antagonize Jack by taking longer than needed. But eventually he unlocked the door, opening it smally to peek out. He immediately saw Jack's signature hair, causing him to open the door further to reveal Jack's annoyance.

Alex loved messing with him, even in times of peril.

"Took you long enough." Alex slithered out of the bathroom fully, standing in front of Jack who was holding some items. Alex had no time to ask what they were for before something was being dragged over his head. He thought for a moment that he was being kidnapped by his friend, a black sack going to suffocate him.

_I knew he didn't like me going off by myself. Now he's going to fucking kidnap me._

But soon he saw a light, realizing that Jack was just placing a hoodie on his body, like he was a doll that needed to be dressed. Alex helped himself out, pushing his arms through the arms of the hoodie. "What is-" Something else interrupted him.

He could tell that sunglasses had been placed on his face when everything went dark suddenly. Alex had never felt so abused in his life. He was practically glaring at Jack, but the glasses hid the hatred.

"Where are you going to go?" Jack was tying the back of the black mouth mask, that he had pulled out of his pocket a second ago, to Alex's head. "So that I know where to find you." His eyes weren't attached to Alex's face, more on the tying that he was doing which caused his tongue to stick out a little with concentration. Alex almost chuckled, keeping it to himself though.

_He would never know if I was smiling or glaring with all this on me._

"I'll probably just walk around. You know. With all this on I won't be recognized at all. Just like Superman." I said half sarcastic, half serious as I got in my superhero stance with my hands on my hips. He just scoffed, finally finishing the tie.

"Will all of this even help you?" He eyed me up and down. "Maybe I should just go with you. Yeah I'll just tell Camille something serious came up and I had to take you to the hospital. She can hang here for a while with Aksel and meet me back at the hotel." He was talking himself into this, the worry obvious in his face.

I slapped his head. He winced asking what that was for. "For being an idiot. You're going to become single after only a few months of dating if you do that. I'll be fine." I reassured, pulling my beanie down a bit.

"Ok. Ok. You're right. I just." He grabbed at the sides of my hood. "I just worry about you." Pulling it up over my beanie, he tries to catch my eye but rushingly looks away when he almost does. My neck pulsates quicker, causing me to widen my eyes.

But I sigh, smiling even though he can't see.

"I'll text you later." This causes him to look at me again, almost glaring. "I'm just going to walk around. Don't get all mama bear on me." He relaxes his expression, laughing.

"Who else will be? Aksel?" Alex laughs this time.

"He's more the dad." Alex states, pushing himself further away from Jack's body. Jack smiles, wholeheartedly.

"Exactly." He says.

Once Alex got far away from Jack, he was back to being anxious again. He just needed to power through the crowd, so he kept walking and tried not to catch any attention by bumping into people. He glanced at tables on the way out, catching sight of Aksel and Camille near Vanoss' stand.

He rushed out, feeling his breath catch in his throat for a moment.

_Camille._ Jack's new girlfriend of four months. _She's not really new anymore I guess, but she's new to me being that I haven't officially one on one met with her. Sure I've said hi and greeted her, but I've always tuned her out when I was with Jack because I don't know. I guess I just didn't want to like the girl that's been taking all of Jack's time._

_I know she must be great because even Aksel likes her and he's not the easiest to trust people. Just meeting new people scares the shit out of me. But I should make an effort since she seems like she'll be sticking around and Jack definitely likes her._

_Maybe even loves her._

Alex cowers over a nearby trash can just outside the door as a new wave of puke begins to rear its ugly head. He tries to breathe through it, trying not to cause a scene but still catching the eyes of some bystanders.

His mask waves in the wind for a moment, him just focusing on that noise - the flap of the wind and the fabric. It's heaven to his ears as it distracts his anxiety from what is happening in this moment.

It takes him a little while before he's feeling any bit better. And when he's finally able to walk, he just walks off in a random direction absolutely not caring where he ends up. He just wants to be somewhere where no one is.

He would honestly break into an apartment right now. Or he could just go back to his hotel.

But where's the fun in that?

His eyes gleam when he catches sight of a restaurant not too far away. _Oh yes. Oh yes. I would have sex with that restaurant._

_But only after marriage of course._


	2. Distraction

Jack on the other hand had been following Alex towards the exit to make sure he got out ok. Once he was in the clear, Jack noticed how he was walking faster but let his worry fade out as he knew Alex would be fine once he was out. The crowds were the problem, not the people.

Jack catches eyes with Camille and Aksel almost instantly, running over to them. Only bumping into a few people on the way, Jack making sure to say sorry and excuse me each time. Some didn’t pay back the formality.

“Where’s the rat?” Aksel questioned, searching around Jack. He shook his head, smiling.

“Went to go get some food. Said the food here was crap.” Jack replied, only fibbing the truth a little.  _ He could have gone to get some food... _

“Count on Alex to be a princess.” Aksel jokes, going back to his conversation with Camille about something going on in the Q&A. Jack was barely paying attention, only catching words here and there, the rest coming in mumbles through his ears.

Even though Jack knew that Alex was fine, he couldn’t help himself to look back into the crowd. Something was gnawing at him inside.

He needed something to distract him.

He eyed the rest of the stands, catching eyes on Vanoss’ in front of him once a voice yelled out.

“G-get off me bitch!” The voice was very distinct and Jack knew who it was within seconds from the few videos he watched of the group. It was Delirious. He had a clown mask that hid his whole face, even the back of it but it was most definitely him. 

He was skinnier than Jack imagined and had way less muscle than Vanoss.

He was struggling against Vanoss’ hold as the one known as the owl tried to peel the mask off his face, but even Jack could see that he was not really trying. Vanoss was laughing at Delirious' shouts and yells as crowds of people watched them close by and afar. 

The sexual tension was leaking off them like a cut gas line.

“Why even make the mask for me if your just going to try to destroy it?!” The clown shouted, gripping onto Vanoss‘ hair and pulling it back. Vanoss and him were practically the same height, Vanoss being a bit taller. Vanoss was clearly having the time of his life as he was barely using any strength.

“So that you would come. Duh.” This makes Delirious stop for a moment, Vanoss following in the process. Vanoss’ face becomes slightly red as he stumbled over his words to save him. “S-so I could. Uh. Torture you in person.” Jack couldn’t see Delirious’ face but he must have been blushing also.

There are some people recording and Jack can’t help but chuckle at the scene. Especially as the other friends began to chime in.

Delirious takes this moment of utter shock for Vanoss to tackle right into his chest and cause them both to go tumbling to the ground. There are oo’s and woah’s from the crowd as Vanoss tries to get up from the masked tormentor but Delirious pushes his wrists down and begins to laugh his signature laugh.

“There’s a new winner.” He laughs again, Vanoss trying not to laugh as he struggles this time against his hold. 

“Let me join in on this action.” The guy known as Jiggly comes towards the two fighters, seductively joking towards them. The two seem to be in their own world as they keep fighting against each others hold.

“Oh god.” Ohm whispers, face palming.

“Come on guys. Get up. We need to play games for the fans.” Marcel almost yells, growing frustrated at the scene. The crowd yells to Marcel that they like this more as they continue to record.

Jiggly finally tries to move towards them, pushing in but Vanoss and Delirious catch faces, almost like the same thought is running through their head. “Run!” They both yell at the same time, scrambling to get up. And soon their chasing each other through the crowd, people creating a path for them.

Their laughing like maniacs and soon no one can see them anymore, but their laughs are still echoing around the room.

“FUCK YOU GUYS!” Marcel yells towards the two lost in the crowd, sighing in exhaustion once he’s done. Cartoonz grins beside him.

“Someone’s angry. Nothing too off kilter.” Cartoonz keeps on his evil grin, after practically calling him predictable. Marcel stares at him for a moment, a whole few seconds passing before he finally speaks up.

“Fuck you.” He finally replies.

“Oh a shocker. Fuck you too.” Marcel glares at Cartoonz answer, obviously not feeling too friendly in the moment having just been ditched by the two main members of the stand. 

“Just fuck each other.” Cartoonz and Marcel turn their attention to Jiggly who thought it was a good time to say that. “Too much sexual frustration in this room from you guys.” Jiggly shrugs like what he’s saying is nothing. Even Jack knows he shouldn’t have said that from the way Marcel is staring at Jiggly.

It all goes too quick when Marcel tackles into Jiggly, causing Cartoonz not to be at all shocked as the two tumble around the floor. But unlike with Vanoss and Delirious, there’s no sexual tension this time.

“Shouldn’t have woken up the beast.” Cartoonz states, crossing his arms. “Oh wait. He’s always the beast. Hey beast where is your beauty?” Cartoonz asks, Marcel pulling Jiggly’s hair.

“YOUR DICK!” Jiggly yells through the pain, kicking Marcel off. Marcel grumbles to himself, sitting where he was pushed as Jiggly catches his breath and stays lying on the ground.

“Thanks Jiggly. Very flattering. But Marcel would be too lucky.” Cartoonz teases as Marcel gets up and starts walking away. Jack can see the small blush on his dark cheeks as he storms off.

“Fuck you all!” He yells, before stumbling into the crowd.

“Oh that’s quite a mission.” Cartoonz says fairly impressed, watching as he walks through the crowd, keeping his eyes on him until he’s no longer seen. 

“He doesn’t have enough dick to go around. Should we tell him?” Jiggly replies with a fake sadness, standing up to go sit in one of the chairs still in the booth. 

“Oh he’ll figure it out.” Cartoonz says, a far off look in his eyes as he glances at where Marcel sauntered off again. “I’ll be back.” He rushes away from Jiggly, who is now the only one in the booth, as he runs towards the way Marcel did.

_Hmm_ _ . Mysterious. Eh. whatever, I’ve got my own problems. _ Jack thinks, paying his attention back to Camille and Aksel who had been staring at the fiasco too. They barely laugh before they both turn back to each other and continue chattering along. Their blonde hair glistening in the sunlight.

Jack can already feel the boredom coming on as random thoughts fill his head.

_ Maybe their siblings.  _ Jack starts to stare down the friends that became close quite fast.  _ They don’t have any facial features at all close together, but it’s still possible.  _ His head turns to his side again, unwillingly and before he realizes he’s moving his arm out.

It just falls back to his side, his whole body almost falling with it.  _ Stupid.  _ He had just tried to lean on Alex to tell him his weird thoughts, before he realized that Alex wasn’t even here anymore.

He sighs to himself, feeling left out but barely minding. 

He had come to show his girlfriend around and he just ended up watching two people speak about random shit for hours on end. At least when Alex was here, he could just randomly go to stands and joke around. 

But Alex’s mental health was more important.  _ I wonder where he went. Probably to that restaurant I wanted to take him to.  _ Jack scoffs to himself, practically laughing.  _ He must have been so fascinated by it. _

“Did you say something honey?” Jack glanced up at Camille, confusion cover his face as they were both suddenly staring at him. It only took Jack a few moments before he realized what they were referring to. He was completely alone. And laughing.

Had he just been laughing to himself? Like some crazy person?

He let out a nervous laugh. “No. Sorry. I was just remembering a joke.” He coughed out, acheming as he straightened up. “You can continue your conversation.” He finished, gesturing towards them. Camille just smiled, doing as told only after nodding towards him.

It was their way of making sure the other was ok. He nodded back of course. Because he was ok. He was just bored out of his mind and ruining their in depth conversation for some fun wouldn’t help anything.

His eyes aimed towards the exit.

_ I wanted to take him there so bad. _


	3. Restaurant

Alex had been in heaven, all while Jack was in his own personal boring hell. 

Alex was in the restaurant now, being seated at a blocky table that represented the place so well. The top was covered with a green slowly forming to brown at the bottom. The chair looked like that of the one in the game, the wood matching the exact color he had seen so much while playing.

As he took a seat in the surprisingly comfortable seat, he was handed a menu which looked genuinely normal unlike the rest of the restaurant. He glanced around again, stricken by how detailed it was.

It was like he was in the default world. The walls were of blue, white, yellow, and green to represent the cloudy sky and the bright colored ground like in the game. But the flooring of the space was a dark wood which he guessed was either to show the dirt. 

_ Or they just got lazy. _

But he still respected the place like he first came in. A Minecraft styled restaurant.  _ Who would have thought that Americans would make such damn cool things? _ Usually he pretended to like Minecraft. Yet he had actually started to become addicted and no one knew that more than Jack.

_ With how much I talk to him about what new thing I create, I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked off my balls yet.  _ He silently chuckled to himself, making sure to take off the mask as a waitress came around.

_ Probably thinks I’m a spy.  _ He thought for a second.  _ Actually I would be fine with that. _ But before he could put it back on she was beside the table and waiting for Alex’s order.

He quickly made the tasty filling order, making sure to get everything he could eat and more. He didn’t know when he would be in America next, or even if he would be in this part of it again so he just went all out.

And he thought if it got too out of control he could have leftovers. 

_ The food better be good or I’m putting a bad review on yelp. And I hope the food isn’t bad because then I’ll have to get a yelp. _

He waited for his order, bringing out his phone to text someone. He thought he should probably just play a game but somehow he ended up in his contacts. He started scrolling. Aksel was of course first. So he kept on scrolling knowing that he would be chatting off Camille's head like usual.

He became bored, saying no here and there on who to text. But then he stopped almost automatically when it came to Josh Peck. He almost laughed out loud, remembering how he had put the nickname on Jacks number.  _ Because who else would be Josh Peck? _

He honestly didn’t know why he did it. It was a joke but he liked Jack’s name and would have kept it if Jack hadn’t gotten him mad that one time. It was so stupid but it was enough for Alex to change his name.

_ He had talked bad about club penguin. Who does that? _

He made sure at the time to not talk to him for three minutes. It doesn’t sound like a long time but to Jack it was forever from his best friend. And Jack couldn’t just show up at his house, being their more than a few miles apart from each other.

_ Why did I ever forgive him? _

He stared at his phone for a moment longer than he should have before shoving it back in his pocket, deciding on not texting anyone.  _ If Aksel and Camile are busy, he would be also.  _ He sighs into his hand, time somehow moving slower.  _ He’s probably all cuddled up to Camille as they watch the Q&A. _

He catches himself in an instant, almost slapping himself.  _ God what am I thinking about? Of course they would be all lovey dovey. Their  _ ** _dating_ ** _ .  _ He tries not to let those words sucker punch him.

_ What is wrong with me?  _ He asks himself, covering his face in his hands. He squishes his face together for a few moments. And then he hears it. Footsteps. And their growing closer.

He doesn’t mind it thinking it’s probably just some new customers.  _ The food wouldn’t be ready yet.  _ He ordered enough for the whole restaurant and maybe even some more. His reasoning was, he was hungry.

“Are you some random person?” Alex pauses for a moment, hearing the voice aim towards him. Once the person places in his mind, his hands fly off his face as he widens his eyes.

It was Jack. Just as he thought. But why the hell was he here?

Jack smiles, taking his seat as he grabs the menu that was just under Alex’s elbows.  _ For one, rude. For two… _

“What the hell are you doing here?” The words just spill out, Alex not reacting, the dumbfounded look still plastered all over his face. It took him a second of staring at Jack before he could feel the control of his face come back.

Jack wasn’t answering, acting like he was reading the menu. “More like how did you know I was here? Are you stalking me?” Alex raises an eyebrow jokingly, Jack finally aiming his pupils to Alex. The menu is covering his mouth, but Alex can sense he’s still smiling.

“Yeah cause I would rather stalk you than hang out in the biggest convention of the year.” This answer causes Alex to roll his eyes as he picks up his water glass, moving it over for no reason at all. He just doesn’t know what to do.

The air of tension that was surrounding Alex ever since he left the convention was suddenly disappearing at the sight of his best friend. He knew that Jack was his calm but he was also his storm. Because something was happening and Alex had no idea what it was.

A new feeling was now entering his body. One of a different anxiety. A pinging ache at the back of his head, trying to tell him something he didn’t want to even consider. So he didn’t try to explore those feelings and instead just pushed it back.

The feeling came back even stronger. Alex sat up straighter, uncomfortable as he cleared his throat.

“So if your not stalking me. As you so suspiciously stated.” He’s practically in detective mode now as he would do anything to distract the unwelcome thoughts. “Than are you here to become single once again?” Alex asked confidently.

“What?” Jack’s confusion was obvious.

“Because I told you. If you ditch your girlfriend, your gonna get dumped. Like that.” Alex slammed his hand onto the table, barely caring about the wandering eyes from other tables.  _ I love slamming things. _

This time Jack wasn’t confused, he just scoffed. “She knew I wasn’t going to go into that Q&A. Plus Aksel is keeping her company.” Jack placed the menu down, folding it neatly. His hands were still on the sides. His eyes were practically glazing over, reminding Alex of his own reflection in the mirror of that bathroom. He could see the bothered Jack clearly and knew that he didn’t become like this often.

Which is probably why he ignored his own feelings in that moment and pestered like the slimy bug he was.

“You seem more quiet than usual.” Alex said, the emotion vague in his tone. Jack was still stroking the menu, which made Alex clear his throat to get his attention. “And I’m pretty sure the menu does not appreciate you touching it like that.”

Jack looked up, furrowing his eyebrows for a moment. And then he looked down, letting go of the victim he had been holding. “No. I just-” He started, sighing as he gave Alex the menu back.

“Me and Camille haven’t been hanging out much. Unlike-” He hesitated for a moment, Alex catching on quickly. Quick enough to finish his sentence as he was taking too damn long. Usually Alex wouldn’t be this quick, he would take a while to get it, his mind going a mile a minute.

But somehow he was invested in this. Somehow his mind wasn’t racing so much in this moment.

“Unlike Camille and Aksel?” Jack widened his eyes for a second. Appreciating Alex and all his annoying glory for once. No. Jack appreciated it a lot. Because even when they were fighting, or poking fun at each other, they were always still best friends.

And Alex was always there for him. 

Jack hadn’t expected Alex to get it, he was actually expecting him to be completely in the dark. Maybe it would be easier not to see if he had been, but Alex was also way too honest for his own good.

“Yeah. And I don’t know if it’s just in my head or…” Jack sighed, sending a hand through his curly locks. Alex knew he was feeling more than he was letting on, but he didn’t pester as much as he could have as this was a sensitive topic.

I mean it’s one thing if your best friend is also your girlfriends best friend and taking up all their time. But it’s another if your best friend is in love with your girlfriend. There was a solution for one of those problems.

“Hey. Dude.” Alex poked at his hand on the table. Jack raised his head, still frustrated but not showing it as much. “Aksel would never do anything even if it were true. Plus we’re probably just reading into it too much. Talk to him.” Alex nodded, for once giving good advice.

Jack smiled, wanting to laugh. But every giggle that snuck out was shut back in at the sudden glares from Alex’s deep brown eyes. Jack couldn’t help it though. Alex was actually being human for once.

And it was almost hilarious.

“I hate you.” Alex let out, knowing exactly what he was thinking. “I wish I never tried with you.”

Jack shook his head, smiling. “No. I’m glad you did. I’ll make sure to talk to him.” He let the smile fade away, going completely silent for the next few seconds. “I like human Alex.” He whispered, but it wasn’t silent enough for Alex to dismiss.

And the four sudden words made Alex’s face heat up like the sun was blasting on him. 

It was a sight to see, a very rare sight to see and Jack made sure to take it all in when he could. He sometimes wished he had a camera in his shirt so he could catch Alex’s surprising facial expressions.

Alex quickly covered his face with the utensil towel, the fork and knife sliding onto the wooden table with a clang. He looked ridiculous, trying to find a way to cover his rising face. All while his face mask was right there on the table.

This was the normal Alex. Mind going a mile a minute, not taking in the world around him for any logic when he was anxious or embarrassed. But Jack appreciated this Alex too. He actually appreciated all the Alex’s.

The surprised Alex. The anxious Alex. The embarrassed Alex. All of them. But one he didn’t like was the sad Alex. Because that Alex he hated to see come out the most.

But he knew he shouldn’t be worrying about that right now.

“Too bad I’m not human.” Jack didn’t have any time to answer as the food came in by the few waiters around the room. All of the plates sliding in front of Alex a mile a minute. Just like his mind. And Jack was just like oh no.

It didn’t take that long before they all left, leaving Alex to his buffet of food. Jack thanked them, all while Alex’s mouth was watering at the sight of all the food groups surrounding him like a house.

“Your right. A human couldn’t eat all that.” 

Alex ignored his comment, grabbing his turned over fork and digging it into a green pancake with dark brown sprinkles laid over a mountain of syrup. He wasn’t wasting any time before he stuffed a glob into his mouth and began chewing.

A small groan of satisfaction came from his throat, making Jack smile stupidly. Jack wasn’t thinking when he smiled, it just appeared on his face as if cast by a spell. But he didn’t notice.

“So.” Alex started, cutting into another piece even though he had the previous bite still in his mouth. “Why didn’t you just go find Charlie and Carson? They weren’t doing anything except wandering around.” He swallowed, giving time for Jack to stop smiling before Alex looked up.

“Oh. They were busy.” Jack stated, his eyes moving down to Alex’s lips. There was syrup dripping down to his chin and Jack was now interested to see if Alex would notice. Alex raised an eyebrow as he waited for more.

Jack sighed, knowing Alex wouldn’t notice one bit. He was too oblivious to notice. As Alex began to aim the food into his mouth, Jack leaned closer against the table sending his arm out towards Alex’s face.

Alex wasn’t even paying attention for a moment as he closed his eyes at the glorious food that was mushing around in his mouth. 

Jack was even closer now, no thoughts running through his mind except to remove the syrup from Alex’s chin. Sure he could have just told Alex. Maybe even gestured to it instead of putting the table through hell to get over to him.

But Jack wasn’t in his right mind to think logically. He was all messed up from thinking Aksel and Camille could turn into something more and in this moment he was so connected to Alex that it seemed right to do it.

He finally touched his thumb to the chin, sliding it down to catch all the syrup in one fell swoop. 


	4. Freaking Out

Alex, finally opening his eyes widened them at the sight of Jack so close to his face. All the savory flavor that was running through his mouth somehow became sweeter. And his heart started to beat faster than that runner that held the fastest time in the world. 

His heart was now the quickest in the world and it should have exploded. But somehow it didn’t. All that exploded was Alex’s mind.

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t process. All he could do was swallow as Jack sat back down and stared at him with a confusion that didn’t sit well with Alex.  _ Did he mean to do that? He didn’t. He looked just as confused as me. _

Alex quickly looked down, wasting time as he cut into his pancake again. He didn’t know why his heart was beating so fast. But it wasn’t stopping. And it scared the shit out of him that his best friend was causing this.

_ It’s nothing. I probably just need to stop eating so much sugar. Yeah...yeah that has to be it. _

“Sorry. There was syrup on your chin.” Alex couldn’t catch Jack’s eyes as he explained. He just nodded, Jack now realizing in his full sane mind that that wasn’t appropriate even for best friends.

_ That’s shit you do for lovers. _

Alex’s eyes split open again as the thought rolled into his mind. He had to distract himself. He had to move on from this. Because it made no sense to be stricken. Jack was just his friend. His  **best** friend.

“Uh... Charlie and Carson. Why couldn’t you join them again?” It was the only thing that came into Alex’s mind so he just let it roam out of his mouth. 

Jack adjusted himself in his seat, seemingly quickly going back to how he was before.

Yet Alex was being tortured by his own body. His chest was beginning to hurt and he couldn’t help himself but to count how many times his heart was beating in a second. He lost track as quick as he started.

He tried to pay attention. But everytime he looked up he imagined Jack’s focused expression in front of his own face, his heart beating faster. So he just kept his eyes down on his pancakes as he stuffed another bite into his mouth.

“Well. Ok. If It’s that important.” Jack huffed, moving his arms back onto the table. Alex’s body moved back a bit on instinct. Almost like it was scared. But thankfully Jack didn’t notice. “Carson was trying to do a headstand again. And like last time it was failing. And so they were just getting into a competition on who could do the best one and you could tell the sexual energy was still there.” Alex kind of forced a laugh, being able to imagine it.

Ever since they got together they’ve tried not to kiss or do anything in public, but you can see that they want to. It’s been about three months already and their still going strong. Alex is actually pretty happy for them, even though he would never tell them. Even if he’s not in love.

He’s never really minded not being in love though.

His eyes involuntarily move up to Jack. Jack who’s sitting there. Jack who’s lost in thought. Jack who’s now staring at him also. Alex’s eyes rush back to his pancake.

“Their a great couple.” Alex replies, trying not to get any questions about what just happened. This makes Jack sigh sadly again.

“Yeah. Unlike me and Camille.” Jack retorts and Alex looks up again, feeling a slight energy burst into him. It must be noticeable as Jack looks up from his glum stare at the table and back to Alex.

“You just need to go on a date!” Alex almost yells, shocking even himself.

“A... date? Alex I hate to break it to you but we’ve been on dates before.” Jack states, sitting up, slightly confused at why Alex is so upbeat.

“No.” Alex shakes his finger, showing Jack that he is in the wrong. “Like an actual date. You guys always go to the arcade or conventions where there are too many people. But a romantic date. Where it’s you. And her. Alone… dressed up.” Alex is now waving out his hand, waiting for Jack to get it.

“Please tell me you get it.” 

Jack stares confused for a moment but ends up smiling out of nowhere. “Yeah I got it. I just like acting dumb for a few moments.” Alex rolls his eyes, saying in his head  _ yeah sure… acting _ but keeps it to himself. “You think it will work?”

Alex is now back to his calm self after that energizer bunny version of him for a few moments. He takes in what he just said. The way Jack’s eyes are staring at him in question and waiting for reassurance.

Something feels wrong to Alex now. His heart isn’t beating as fast anymore, but instead just slowing down to an abnormal rate as he keeps his eyes on Jack. He can’t seem to feel anything in this moment now. His body is just weak. 

But he has to answer. He has to reassure Jack that this is a good idea. 

_ Then why don’t I want to? _

It now feels as though there’s a prick going through his heart. Like a toothpick is prodding into it slowly as if it’s a piece of food being taken out of some teeth just after eating.

All Alex can do is nod. And then it’s done.

Jack smiles, once again confident in himself and Alex having been the one to do it. And he doesn’t feel bad that he made Jack confident, he feels bad because he wasn’t as invested in his idea as he should have been.

But subconsciously… he couldn’t even dive deeper into his subconscious with how many forbidden thoughts were running through there. he couldn’t think about any of those thoughts.

Jack’s hand aims for a piece of dark roasted chicken on a plate of rice and beans. Alex seeing it just in time to fly out of his thoughts and grab the intruder that was rushing towards his fortress.

“What do you think your doing? Josh peck…” The name comes out of Alex’s mouth as if it’s a disrespect to him and anyone around him. 

“What? Don’t say it like that.” Jack states, trying to pull his hand out of Alex’s grip. “Your not going to be able to eat all that. I was just trying to help.” Jack finishes, acting like he’s the citizen of the year.

“I can eat all of this. AND you if I needed to.” Alex says, Jack widening his eyes at the comment. There is a sort of seriousness in Alex’s eyes that scares Jack the tiniest bit. But usually he’s not scared for long.

He takes his hand back, Alex going to take a bite out of some of the beans with a spoon. But Jack’s hand comes back for more and Alex grabs onto him again, this time stronger than before.

“Hey. Bubble.” Alex doesn’t have to use many words for Jack to get it.

“I think the bubble doesn’t count if there’s food in it.” Jack’s eyebrow raises, his eyes somehow becoming like one of a puppy’s. “Just a little bit? I promise you won’t even notice.” Alex’s grip somehow becomes looser, his brain turning to mush at the sight of his best friend practically pleading.

His hand is barely holding onto Jack’s now, yet Jack still doesn’t let go or pull away.

Alex’s mind is now roaming to the conversation he had with Jack throughout this whole hang out. How they talked about serious stuff. And then it seemed to wander to the date idea he had given Jack.

Alex noticed how they must have looked to other people now.  _ Like we were on a date _ . His heart starts to flutter in his chest as he recalls the past thirty minutes that they have been here together.

They were both gathered around a table full of food, even though Alex was the only one eating. They were slightly overdressed for the restaurant, trying to be not so dumpster looking at PAX this year. And now they were sitting across from each other. Holding hands.

Alex’s eyes zoomed down to their hands that were set on the table, wondering in the first place how they got there. And why they were still holding hands. Jack wasn’t saying anything, just staring at Alex and the food in front of him.

Alex’s hand was suddenly burning hot where Jack’s touch still was. His range of feeling was back and it was in no way welcome to him.

Alex pulled his hand quickly from the grip, suddenly standing up from his chair. The heat was still obvious on his skin. This caused Jack to stare at him with a bit of a worry, wondering what he was doing. But Alex’s mind was rushing more than usual.

He didn’t know what to do now. He knew that they weren’t on a date. He knew that Jack and Camille were supposed to be on this sort of date. No one else. Not ever including him ever in the slightest.

But for some reason his mind was wandering.

He had to get out of there. He knew. He had to get some air and just figure out what was going on. Even if nothing was going on and he knew he had to have been freaking out for no reason just because of his anxiety.

_ It  _ ** _has_ ** _ to be nothing. _


	5. Alex's Problem

“I have to go. I- I forgot something really important and I need to go.” Alex pushed in his chair, only then realizing how stupid the gesture was. He almost fell over his own feet trying to turn around.

“What abo-” Jack had started, but Alex was in a rush and couldn’t let himself be stopped.

“Just. Here.” Alex pulled some money out of his pocket, placing it on the table. “Buy the food. Make sure to grab the leftovers. And I really need to go. I’m. I’m sorry.” Jack had no time to interfere before Alex was running out of the restaurant.

But he stopped for a moment. “And remember! Ask her out!” Alex’s heart was shaking in pain but he still smiled, trying to give his friend no worry.

Jack could tell that Alex’s anxiety was getting to him and it took everything for him to not just get up and leave without any of the leftovers. Which was a lot. He stood up, pretty much ready to run after Alex.

But he stopped himself, sitting back down to look at the food in front of him.

_ He’ll kill me later if I don’t grab all of this. _ He thought, sighing.

His breath was beginning to shake with how worried he was.  _ Why would he just run out like that? Giving me no time to stop him. _

He thought maybe this time he scared Alex. Maybe for trying to take his food, even though he knew that was dumb. Maybe his face? Jack scoffed at that one. Maybe… there are too many possibilities to figure it out.

_ Well if he was scared of me, that’s a first for sure. _

Deep down, through the joking, Jack felt hopeless. Because no matter what, usually him and Alex figured out their problems together. They were best friends for a reason and for some reason Alex was pulling away.

And Jack couldn’t begin to explain why.

It didn’t take much to realize that Alex was freaking out. Hell even the people on the street he kept accidentally bumping into as he tried to run back to his hotel noticed. And his whole being was unraveling but he couldn’t accept whatever it was that was pestering him.

He just couldn’t.

So now here he was, an hour later, in his hotel room. He had finally started to calm down now that he was alone and in comfort. He had been resting for about thirty minutes before he woke up and started to make some hot chocolate.

He couldn’t do coffee. Not when his nerves and anxiety were still settling. 

His heart was back to normal, and being reminded of how hard it was thumping raised a question inside him. 

_ How long will I be able to take this before it finally gives out? _

He knew that it was crazy to think that his anxiety could cause his death, but it’s not like anything that impossible hasn’t happened before. And his heart did feel unusually fast enough to just give out.

Which just gave him more anxiety until it all piled up and he had to run out on Jack.

_ Fuck. Jack. I was so stupid… _ He thought as he set the hot chocolate down on the small round table beside him and grasped his hands onto his face.  _ Why was I being so fucking weird? _

There were so many questions and yet he couldn’t answer any of them. Because none of it made sense.

Why all of a sudden was he feeling so out of control?

A knock rang through the room, Alex’s head raising in an instant towards the door in front of him. Now his heart was starting to pick up and he could tell who was behind that door. He could feel it, yet he couldn’t explain why.

He let his legs jump up and down in a few quick motions before he finally stood up, shaking out the rest of his body to be ready.  _ It’s just Jack. It’s just Jack. We’ve been close to Jack before. _

The image of Jack’s face in front of Alex’s pops up into his mind again and he covers his face with his hands again as he twists around so his back is now facing the door. 

_ No. No. Don’t do that. _

His legs start to feel weak and his heart is pounding so much that it can be heard in his ears.

He started to take a few more deep breaths. Another knock. He had to get a hold of himself but he sort of hoped that Jack would just think he was sleeping and come back later. 

But then he would have to deal with this again and he just needed to get it over with.

_ Stop being a pussy. _

He stood up straight, shaking his arms out in another quick motion as he finally moved his legs closer to the door. But as he grew closer to it, it seemed to be moving farther away. And so he just kept walking. And walking.

And walking....

Until he knocked his head into the door.

“Ow. Fuck.” He hissed to the door as if it did it on purpose.

“Hey you good in there?” Jack's voice seemed to be closer and the loudest thing in his ears now. Not how his heart was beating out of control. Not the pain that was throbbing from face planting into the door. Just Jack’s voice.

He placed his hand on that knob. And he opened the door, for once feeling like he wanted to do it. And it confused him even more how things could change in a moment.

But maybe things change gradually and we just don’t notice until it’s too late?

He took a deep breath in. 

And then opened the door further, watching as the gap between the door and wall became bigger and Jack’s face quickly came into view. 

Alex wasn’t prepared for the look on Jack’s face. That look that told Alex that he was in deep trouble now. Alex’s guilt quickly grew to the max as he saw the worry of death on Jack’s face.

Alex had seen the texts and millions of calls from Jack on his phone when he woke up. Even before he went to sleep. But he couldn’t deal with it. Not when he knew somehow Jack was the cause of his sudden problems.

Once the door was even halfway open by the timid Alex, Jack burst into the door past Alex as if Alex was going to shut the door any second if he hadn’t. And maybe he would have.

“First. Are you ok?” Jack turned around, his eyes for once totally focused on Alex. In the past few months Jack hasn’t been this focused on Alex as he used to be. He was usually all about his girlfriend. And the sudden attention made him feel warm inside.

Alex could have made a joke about how he was so ok that he could go cartwheeling through the hotel lobby. But he just nodded, knowing that Jack wouldn’t have believed him.

“Second. What the hell happened back there?” Alex was glad that Jack wasn’t yelling. But it made him feel worse when he heard that slight crack in Jack’s anxious voice. Alex sighed, moving over to the chair he had been sitting in before and sat back down.

He crouched over as Jack’s eyes followed him.

“I don’t know. And I’m not just bullshitting you. I seriously do. Not. Know.” Alex said, his voice filled with the shattering of his mind as he spoke. He combed a hand through his hair as Jack crouched down in front of Alex.

Jack just sort of stared at Alex as the ladder shut his eyes with such force that Jack knew he wasn’t lying. Jack could already tell because Alex sucked at lying, but the way he looked at this moment just proved it more.

And it hurt Jack to see his friend go through this much pain.

“Is there…” Alex’s eyes opened, looking towards Jack who had begun speaking once the room was silent. “Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Alex was now the one staring. At his friend who was going through almost as much as pain as he was.

Alex couldn’t help but let a small smile form on his lips.

His hand sort of just reached on his own towards the curly hair in front of him and Jack didn’t move away as Alex set his palm on the softness. They kept staring at each other, Alex now moving his finger around a bit to let the hair curl over his finger.

For some reason, even in the silence, it felt normal. To be doing this. To be this way with each other. And after years of knowing each other, they know that the only way they can feel better is if their by each other.

Even if the other is the problem.

“Food would sort of be great.” Alex suggested, his voice more upbeat.

Jack stared blankly for a second. And then looked down, an oh shit sort of expression running across his face. “Please tell me you got the leftovers.” Alex’s voice was no longer sad or confused, it was now full of warning.

His hand was gripping onto the curls now. Gently but letting Jack know that it could be harder if he said the wrong thing.

“Well…” Jack gritted his teeth, his eyes looking away.

His hand waved up and before Alex could pull Jack’s head further towards him, a bag was being held up in the air. Alex blinked for a few seconds, adjusting to the new item in the room.

He was slightly confused on how he didn’t notice it sooner, or hear it. But he didn’t focus on that for long.

He took the bag, a genuine smile plastered over Jack’s face. Alex peeked inside the bag, already knowing it was the food but taking a peek in anyways. His own smile came up again.

_ Food fixes everything. _


	6. Staring

They quickly piled the food onto the small teetering table, making sure none of it fell over. There were about five boxes and each varied in size depending on the content of food in it.

It didn’t take them long before they were sitting on the hotel bed together, backs straight up against the headboard. The tv was on some romantic comedy that neither of them knew, and even if they did they wouldn’t admit it out loud.

They didn’t bother to change the channel, eating from their second boxes of food. The deal was Alex would let him eat, because he was complaining so much, but they had to share. And so they could be seen taking bites of food from each other’s boxes.

Alex was no longer anxious, all of that anxiety washing away as he got some food in his stomach and was focusing all of his attention on the tv. He was so focused that he didn’t even notice how their legs were slightly touching. Or at least he tried not to notice.

Jack couldn’t help but look at Alex off and on, making sure he was ok.

Because Jack wouldn’t talk about it anymore knowing Alex was just gonna begin stressing again. And he didn’t need to know anymore than the fact that his friend was going through a problem and he had to be there for him.

Jack was just glad Alex didn’t push him out of the hotel room and sink more into the darkness. He knew in the long run that Alex would be more than fine, that this was just a bump in the road, but for some reason he couldn’t stop staring at him.

Jack was starting to notice all of his features, unlike anytime before. Sure Jack had looked at Alex before, it could be seen in many of the videos when they were on skype. But he never…  **saw ** him.

How his hair is always messy but in an unusual way, looking kept and even soft. How one of his bangs curls slightly in towards his face. How his skin was the exact middle of black and white, being a soft light brown. How when he’s so invested in something, his whole face falls to a neutral expression, his mouth slightly open.

Jack must have not been so subtle because Alex was turning his head towards him, but he didn’t stray away. He kept staring full on which he knew was a bad idea, but couldn’t pull his head away.

Alex’s eyes widened, Jack noticing how his deep brown eyes became slightly lighter in the reflection of the hotel lights. “What? Why are you staring at me? Look away fucker.” But Jack didn’t do as told, somehow feeling the need to annoy him more.

And that’s when Jack saw it. The blush on Alex’s cheeks was becoming pinker, more visible.

It should be noted that Jack had no idea what he was doing right now. 

He finally felt in control again, trying to play it off by laughing. He sent a hand towards Alex’s hair, Alex flinching slightly at the touch, as he took a piece of chicken out of it. “How did you even get that in there?” Jack showed the piece in front of Alex’s sudden dumbstricken face.

Alex let out an oh and then a nervous laugh. And Jack threw it onto Alex’s box as Alex looked down and then back up to the tv, obviously trying to forget the moment and just go back to what he was doing. 

Jack let out a sigh. Because he wasn’t staring at Alex because of the chicken. He was staring at him because he had just realized all in one moment how attractive his best friend was. And not a hot attractive but a cute attractive.

Which is somehow worse.

But Jack would never tell Alex this, even if he wanted to see how he would react, since Alex would most likely yell how gay Jack was being.

And Jack was definitely not gay.


	7. Plane Ride Home

Alex sat in one of the airport chairs, waiting for his plane to take off. It had been longer than it needed to be, having been delayed due to some random problem, and now Alex was bored out of his mind. He was happy to go home, but there was a sinking feeling that told him to stay in America.

He wouldn’t follow it, but he could acknowledge it. 

His mind kept wandering back to when he said goodbye to Jack. He had been getting ready for the date that Alex told him to set because he wouldn’t be in America any longer anyways. And Jack did set it up, but he wasn’t happy about not seeing his friend for months at a time again.

Alex didn’t even let Jack hug him, knowing full well that he would regret it later on. He almost slapped himself at remembering how he yelled to Jack, who was in the bathroom, that he was leaving. Jack had no time to put his pants on, just saying fuck it and jumping out the door.

But Alex was already gone.

Alex couldn’t imagine Jack’s face when he realized he was gone, he couldn’t see that despair or else he would never be able to leave. He didn’t want to know why he couldn’t be close to his best friend anymore without freaking out.

His phone buzzed, causing him to pick it up immediately hoping and knowing who it was.

He had been right. Jack texted. ‘ _ Going on the date now _ .’ Alex stared at his phone, his eyes going blank as he tried to smile. But he couldn’t stop the flames inside his head that were enveloping his brain. Then there was another ping.

‘ _ Did you get on the plane yet? _ ’

Alex’s fingers were typing away on the keyboard before he could even think. ‘ _ Got delayed...probably a peanuts problem. Good luck on the date _ .’ He sent it before he could stop himself and put the phone away.

Concluding that his brain was reacting because he hadn't had enough water, he went to go get some from the gift shop.

Jack got the text right when he had sat down to wait for his date. He crinkled his eyebrows together.  _ He had left so early to get to his flight not even giving me a hug, and he’s not even leaving yet. _

Jack wasn’t mad. But maybe he was and he was just telling himself he wasn’t. He had never been the one to get angry too often, but he could when it mattered. And not hugging your friend who you won’t see for god knows how long was enough for him to heat up.

It made Jack think that maybe they didn’t make up as well as he thought they did.

He looked up at the clearing of a throat, instantly seeing his girlfriend who smiled at him. He put his phone down, seeing how beautiful his girlfriend was. She had a slick black dress on that showed all her curves and light makeup that just highlighted her beauty.

Jack got up to push her chair in, but she stopped him as she took a seat. 

She was always like this. She would never let him be romantic, but he was fine with it. She just wanted to be independent.

“Hi.” She said, Jack sitting back down. He nodded back with a smile. She glanced around, taking in the aesthetic of the restaurant. It was a dark place but there were candles surrounded the walls and tables of each couple. “This is a really nice restaurant.” She complimented, taking the menu in her hands.

“Yeah. Alex had looked up some restaurants that would be good for dates. I’m surprised he didn’t pick a totally unromantic place.” Jack laughed, grabbing the menu also. “Like zombies… or that Minecraft place again.”

She smiled, looking up. “Minecraft place?” She raised an eyebrow, just hearing about this. Jack nodded, spacing out silently. He looked up when he finally tuned in again. She was full on staring at him now.

“Oh. Well I wanted to take Alex to this Minecraft restaurant cause he loved to hate the game. And he ended up going there on his own. I met him when you and Aksel were in the Q&A.” Jack offered, a small smile coming to his lips. He couldn’t help but eye the phone that was sitting upside down on the table next to his hand.

She gave out a hm, looking to the menu again.  
It was then that Jack had remembered that she had also loved the game, playing it a few times with him on his own channel. He felt like he had just made a mistake not even thinking of her when he heard of the newly built restaurant this year.

“I can take you there. I didn’t even eat anything.” The words just flowed out, an odd taste in his mouth after they had. She shrugged, acting like she didn’t care either way but she actually was interested.

The tension sort of faded as they ordered their food, making small talk as they waited and talking about their day when they spent it apart. Surprisingly, they both had great fun with their friends.

Once they had gotten their food, she had started eating her chicken like a starving wolf. But Jack was more hesitant as he poked and prodded at his salad, eyeing his phone off and on through small bites.

Camille had noticed this, Jack not having been very discreet about it.

“So how is Alex?” She already knew the problem, the question causing Jack’s head to sprint up. His neck could have broken with that sudden whiplash. He cleared his throat, taking a sip of water as he tried to stay relaxed.

“His plane was delayed. So he’s alone. But he’ll be fine.” Jack settled on his words, although his mind was saying another thing. Camille was calling bullshit setting her hand on his own. “I’m just overreacting…” He whispered, taking a peek at his phone again.

“Go to him.” Camille said, a gentleness in her eyes.

“What?” Jack was put off guard by those words, it took a bit of his own will to not get up at those instructions. He tightened his hand on the tablecloth, making himself stay.

“You’ve been staring at your phone way too much. Your not even really laughing, it’s more forced. And Alex is alone.” She tightened her hold for a second. “So go keep him company till he has to leave. Because you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

He stayed silent for a second, staring into her eyes.

“But…” He started. “But I can’t just leave you.” He said, his own guilt keeping him here.

“I want you to go. And Aksel is at the hotel, waiting for someone to hang out with him.” Jack’s heart sort of settled at those words, although he wondered why. He hadn’t wanted Aksel to steal his girlfriend, that’s the whole reason he went on this date.

But he also couldn’t stop himself from leaving.

He placed a kiss on her cheek, thanking her before she gave a nod and he was on his way to the airport. He hoped that the plane hasn’t left yet. And all his morals were flying out the window.

He had to get there. Maybe all his emotions were off balance because of the way Alex had left, maybe it was just how Alex had been acting overall. But he had to get there.

He found himself going a bit over the speed limit, hoping no cops were in the area and that he wouldn’t hit anyone. But he couldn’t settle his nerves enough to let the accelerator loose.

And then finally, as if it had all just been a blur before, he was there. Right in front of the airport. He checked his phone, catching his eyes on the numbers for the time.  _ Damn it _ . He’ll admit he looked up the flight on the way even though he shouldn’t have been on his phone. And it was supposed to be taking off in a few minutes.

He took the keys out of the ignition, locking the doors once he got out but he didn’t bother to look if where he was parked was a free spot. In that moment he could care less about his car.

Rushing inside of the building, he started running forwards knowing where Alex would be in this moment. Jack had taken Alex to the airport so many times after the convention that it was basic knowledge by this point. 

He didn’t even have to go through the checkpoints, the employees knowing that he was just visiting and wouldn’t try to hitch a ride on the plane. Although by this point, he wondered if he would have to.

But Jack stopped, finally seeing that black floppy hair not too far away. All that anger he felt for Alex not saying goodbye to him vanished at the sight of him, and instead the yearning to hug him took over.

He had just realized how out of breath he was, not even being able to yell out for Alex. He took a couple of breaths watching as Alex was in line behind about six people and the line was moving fast.

He finally had enough strength when Alex was second in line and jumped to grab his hood, Alex being completely off guard and almost falling to the ground. Jack helped him back to his previous position, this time facing Jack.

It was safe to say that Alex was completely shocked by this sudden appearance.

“What are you doing here?” Alex asked all while Jack was pulling Alex away from the line so some people behind him could go in. “Your supposed to be on your date.” Jack didn’t know why Alex was whispering but he went along with it.

“And you were supposed to give me a real goodbye.” Jack whispered back.

Alex stared for a second, his eyebrows furrowing. “That doesn’t matter. Where is your girlfriend?” Alex tried to change the subject, Jack not having it.

“That doesn’t matter.” And knowing that Alex wouldn’t initiate it, Jack pulled Alex into his arms. He tightened his hold on the skinny body in front of him, shoving his face into Alex’s hoodie.

Alex was stiff. Stiffer than Jack had ever felt him to be. But then he loosened up for a second as he wrapped his arms around Jack’s torso. 

Alex’s heart was beating out of his chest but he wouldn’t show it. He had to place his face into Jack’s chest just so he wouldn’t be able to feel his blush.  _ It’s just the heat... _ he could excuse for now.

They stood like that for a while. Just basking in each others warmth and comfort. Because once they let go, that was it. Alex would have to leave and Jack would have to let him go.

This was always the hard part. Letting go.

Alex grasped onto Jack’s formal suit, closing his eyes as he felt the fabric grow warm in his hands. Jack took in the scent of Alex, a newly added smell of maple mixed in from the recent pancakes he had eaten that morning.

It seemed as if everything around them was quiet. But they knew it wouldn’t last for long.

“Flight 206 is boarding. Flight 206 is boarding.” A flight attendant close by announced, watching them from the corner of her eye.

Alex having heard it, sighed towards Jack’s neck as he tried to separate from him. “I have to go to Jack. I really gotta go.” He responded with a crack in his voice to Jack’s hold getting tighter.

Jack hesitantly let go slowly, still smelling the faint cologne from Alex.

Now both standing in front of each other, Alex realized how much he had hated this. How much he hated leaving. And Jack hated the feeling he got when Alex finally left. But they had to separate. Again.

And Jack would have said he was going to miss Alex, but Alex was already prepared to say gay and Jack knew.

So Alex just smiled. “I’ll see you Josh Peck.” 

He started to walk away, sending a small wave towards Jack.

In that moment Jack wanted to grab Alex. To pull him back. To do something. But he just stood there. Watching as Alex gave the attendant the ticket and headed inside the plane. Jack wished he had turned around by the time Alex had peeked back. But he hadn’t.

And he had to watch Alex’s sad eyes be removed from his all too slowly.

All of his energy was sucked out in a second, him having to sit down in one of the chairs laid out for the waiting folk. And he knew he had to leave. But first he had to build himself up.

He wished he would never have to say goodbye to Alex again.

But that was impossible.


	8. The Trip

Alex stared at the computer screen that held the last conversation he had with Jack yesterday.

“Hey.”

“Hi…”

“How are you?”

“Good. I actually have to go. Uploading a video.”

“Oh… Ok. Well talk to you later?”

“...sure.”

It was now later, later being the next day. He wasn’t even uploading a video yesterday, that was just an excuse like all the others he’s been making for two months. Yep it was December. And yes Alex was avoiding Jack.

If you asked Alex, he would say he just didn’t feel up to talk to his best friend and was in fact not avoiding him. But deep down he knew that wasn’t true. It hasn’t been the same ever since that trip to PAX.

Alex was still keeping himself in the dark as to why it was different. He just couldn’t admit whatever was gnawing at his insides. All he knew for sure was that whenever he had talked to Jack, everything inside him burned.

And so he kept away, not wanting to feel that way anymore.

But Alex still missed him every single day he dodged his messages. And even when Alex did answer, it was short and definitely not sweet.

When he ignored him, Alex felt a new feeling. One way worse than that burning feeling, it was like he was being stabbed through his heart and at times he thought he was actually having a heart attack. It was embarrassing to say how many times he went to the doctor. But the tests kept coming out as normal.

He placed his hands on the keyboard, forcing himself to type some words into the text box to send to Jack.  _ This would be the day. _ The day he finally moved forward and acted like nothing was wrong.

_ Because nothing was wrong. _

He stared at the words he had typed, taking a second before he pressed the backspace button and watched as all the words disappeared one letter at a time.

He groaned, the empty pit in his stomach appearing again as he turned his chair around. He crouched forward, grasping at the hair on his head with his strength.

_ Why am I being so stupid? It’s just Jack. Why can’t I talk to my best friend? _

It almost made him want to cry, no matter how unmanly that sounded. He didn’t care anymore. He just missed his best friend and not being able to talk to him was like torture. And it made him wonder if he was really in hell in this moment.

He had to have been dead with how much he wasn’t eating.

He didn’t have anyone to watch him with his family gone for the holidays and Alex having had decided to stay home. So he had barely been eating and he couldn’t even try at most times. 

It always happened when Alex was on his phone, scrolling on Instagram or Facebook to look at the daily memes, usually ones he’d seen already, as he made some food for himself. Then he would see a random picture from Jack’s account.

One of him and his girlfriend, and suddenly Alex couldn’t eat anything anymore and he had to leave the food so that he wouldn’t start puking. It happened even when he was on Reddit, just looking at random subreddits. And he would see a question someone sent about love and he wouldn’t be able to eat anymore.

It was driving him crazy and he still couldn’t admit to himself why. 

“So I told him that well I-” Aksel continued his story that he had been telling Jack through discord for a while.Jack was barely listening though as he sighed into his hand and hovered over the chatroom for him and Alex.

Jack knew he should probably tune in at some point again or Aksel would realize something was wrong, but he could barely think about anything else.

_ Why has he been ignoring me? _ It was obvious that Alex has been, no matter how many times he denied it. They used to talk practically every second they could, well except when Jack was hanging out with Camille. And he guessed he had been doing that a lot.

But now whenever Jack tries to initiate a conversation, Alex just isn’t there mentally and Jack was worried for his friend. His mind ran to the possibility that he could be depressed again and if that was true, then there was a lot more of a problem than he thought.

_ Last time Alex was depressed he wasn’t eating and looked like a fucking barbie doll. I had to go down there just to shove the food down his throat. _ And while Jack loved seeing Alex, he didn’t love seeing him like that.

_ But why would he be depressed? _

Then Jack thought back to when they were in the hotel room and Alex didn’t look too good. But Alex didn’t know why.  _ Maybe he finally realized something? _

_ ... or maybe he was being Alex and he wasn’t realizing something and now it’s taking its toll. _

“Hello? Earth to Jack!” 

Jack finally removed himself from his thoughts with the help of a yelling goat.  _ Oh wait that’s Aksel. _ Jack’s hand practically was tossed to the side along with his head and he almost fell out of the chair realizing where he was.

“Yes. What?” Jack asked clearing his throat, positioning himself upright again as he found his seating on his chair. He didn’t know how long he had been off in Josh Peck land, but it was long enough for Aksel to realize.

“Well before you rudely muted me-”

“I didn’t mute you.”

“Sure. Well anyways it doesn’t matter. What’s up with you?” Aksel asked, the concern clear in his voice.

“Nothing. Nothing. I’m great. As fit as a larger than usual fiddle.” Jack responded back, trying to sound more upbeat than he had been previously.

“I’m not an idiot… well right now.” Jack scoffed at Aksels try at a joke. “But you know I’m here to talk right?” 

“Yeah talk my ear off.” 

“Jack.”

“It’s literally nothing. I was just thinking about the holidays and how I’m not doing anything.” Jack was really not doing anything. But he had an idea of a vacation for christmas break. And it included the whole group. 

But Jack was also not the spontaneous one of the group. That title went to Aksel, the one who would go crazy with doing things that put him out there. So Jack had to have Aksel think that it was his idea so that he would initiate it and make Alex go. Because Alex wasn’t talking to him at this point and the only other one that could get Alex to leave his house would be Aksel.

“Yeah. It’s pretty surprising that I’m not either. I literally have no ideas.” Aksel sighed, making Jack sit up straighter practically sliding his hands together in mischief.

“I’m sure you have some ideas…” Jack slowed his words so that Aksel would begin thinking.

“I mean. We could all do something? If your not doing anything.” He was getting there. “And Alex definitely isn’t either with his family gone for christmas.” Jack paused in place at this. His brain stopped. If you looked at it, it would look like those memes where the person was so confused at math.

_ His family isn’t there? He’s all alone? _

This made Jack way more worried than he previously thought could be possible. If Alex was depressed and he had no one to force him to eat like his family, then he wouldn’t eat at all. Why didn’t Alex tell him? And not to mention the fact that Alex hates being alone. 

He definitely doesn’t like being in crowds, but he hated being alone and a small crowd was better to Alex than being by himself for a long period of time.

“He’s alone?” Jack asked without thinking.

“Yeah. Didn’t he tell you?” The surprise was clear in Aksel’s voice, almost as surprised as Jack himself was. Alex never kept anything from Jack, especially stuff like this. Usually when this happened, Jack would talk to him in the night over voice message.

Now Jack had more motivation to make this vacation happen. Then Jack could check on Alex in person, and make sure that he was alright.

And not to mention that he missed Alex like crazy. He never realized how important that small boi was to him until he wasn’t there anymore.

“So about this trip. You remember how Alex had wanted to learn to snowboard?”

“Yeah?”

“You thinking what I’m thinking?”

Aksel was silent for a few moments.

“I KNOW THE PERFECT PLACE!”


	9. Can't Eat

_ I’m going to eat today. _

Alex grabbed a piece of bread from the pantry, placing it inside the toaster before he could think about it. He wasn’t feeling sick at the moment and wouldn’t be looking at anything on his phone. Especially not memes.

His phone buzzed on the counter close to him. He stared at it for a while. _ Your a demon... _ he thought before he finally grabbed it and let the curiosity take over.

‘Hey. We have a surprise for you.’ It was a text from Aksel. A very vague text from Aksel. The worst kind of text from Aksel.

_ It could mean anything… _

‘What is it?’ He quickly texted back.

‘Can’t tell you yet. Preparing.’ Alex wanted to throw his phone across the room now.  _ Then why tell me idiot?  _ Aksel was always teasing Alex like this and it made Alex want to go over there and shove his face into some milk.

But he pushed down his anger, not needing any more stress and let his face fall.

‘How is Jack?’ He had texted out slowly, sending it as he wanted to know from an outside perspective. The phone buzzed again almost instantly. 

Leave it to Aksel to not leave you on the edge of your seat.

‘Why don’t you ask him?’ 

Alex stared at the message. He was glad that Aksel was still in the dark about everything, it meant that Jack hasn’t told him anything. Which meant that Jack also didn’t suspect much.

Which made him a little sad, because maybe he didn’t really matter all that much to Jack to have him worry outrageously.

_ Am I crazy? That sort of behavior is reserved for someone else... _ He couldn’t say it. Even in his head. He couldn’t say girlfriend. Because then he would just imagine them together again and he wouldn’t be able to eat.

Now he had to come up with an excuse so Aksel wouldn’t ask questions.

‘I’m pretending to be mad at him again. Gonna ignore him for a little while.’ Alex lied, feeling a bit guilty over it but not guilty enough to delete the message. 

_ The longer Aksel stays in the dark, the longer nothing is wrong… _

The bread finally popped out from the toaster’s clutches. Alex put it down on a paper towel he had laying out as he began to spread some butter over it.  _ Still not feeling sick. We might actually get to eat today. _

There was another text message a few seconds later.

‘Well he doesn’t seem too affected. He’s been all over Camille lately. It’s sickening really.” 

From the message, images of Jack and his girlfriend came with it. A deep hole made its way into Alex’s stomach and it made him more perplexed.

He took a look at his bread. He took a giant bite out of it, forcing himself to try to enjoy it. And then he chewed it. He tried to chew as fast as he could, feeling something come on.

But that feeling of total sickening came all too soon.

He ran to the trash can a little ways away and spit out the chunk of food into the bin. He closed his eyes, hearing the clunk as it dropped on the plastic. He had to go on his hands and knees for a moment as he made sure he didn’t have to puke anymore.

He felt weaker than usual, his whole body falling to the ground after he threw the rest of the bread into the trash.

_ Why can’t I just eat?  _

It’s not like he hasn’t been getting anything into his body. He found out protein shakes help when you can’t swallow whole food and so he’s been drinking those.

But he’s still so shaken up about the fact that he can’t eat whole foods. And it always seems to happen when he thinks of Jack and his girlfriend.

It’s driving him up the fucking wall.

It had been a few hours before Alex had heard from Aksel again. This time it being in the group chat, where Jack would also see the messages. It made Alex’s nerves spike thinking of talking to Jack again.

But he had to do it sometime.

Aksel joined the voice group, making everyone else follow in suit which they did. Alex took a little longer once he saw Jack enter the tab where they could just talk voice to voice. But he took a deep breath and just clicked in.

He was greeted by an enthusiastic Aksel and a not so energized Jack. Alex noticed how Jack had just said hey instead of talking all excited like he had not been many months ago. 

This is what Alex was driving Jack towards. He was pushing him away and in turn Jack felt like he could barely talk to Alex the same anymore.

Alex knew he needed to try. He needed to actually try. Because no matter what Jack was still his best friend and if acting like everything was ok again would make him more upbeat, then he would do just that.

“Hey Aksel. Josh Peck.” Alex smiled at his own words, practically seeing Jack sit up at the sound of his nickname. Well he heard Jack’s mic almost fall off the desk, so he was guessing Jack must have been surprised.

“Hey!” Jack said again, but this time it was in a yell that almost made Alex need to take off his headphones. But he was happy to hear Jack so happy even if all he offered was a small gesture.

“Hey hey. No need to cause earape. I almost had to throw off my headphones you curly haired freak.” Alex laughed not even pretending to be mad, Jack following in suit as Aksel was barely heard. 

“Well maybe it wasn’t me and instead your terrible headphones that you still haven't replaced yet you skinny barbie.” Jack retorted.

“Hey don’t blame the headphones. Their my babies. And being called barbie isn’t an insult, it’s just a big fucking compliment. Maybe you shouldn’t be so damn happy.” Alex got into the groove of their back and forth once again, a warmth burning inside of him. But not a bad one. This time was different. It felt...nice?

“Well maybe you shouldn’t make me so damn happy.”

Alex widened his eyes, the blush covering his face almost instantaneously as he swallowed some spit that was overflowing in his mouth. It was silent for a moment before Jack nervously laughed.

“I mean…” Jack couldn’t save himself from that one. But he was just so happy in that moment because Alex was finally talking to him. And yes it was in a not so nice way, but when were they totally nice to each other?

“Anyways…” Aksel who had been watching the two fighters, finally spoke up and saved Jack from himself. “I called this meeting for a very special reason. There is a trip in progress and it’s a big one for you Alex.” Alex furrowed his eyebrows.

“What is it?...because the last time you said something like that I got a sex doll in the mail. But it did break so I need a new one.” Alex thought back to when he was throwing darts above the sex doll that he never used. And then he missed and one of the darts went crashing into her brain, popping her instantly.

It was his first murder.

“Alex what the hell did you use it for to pop it? That thing was fucking reinforced.” Jack asked with both disgust and impression. He didn’t think Alex would ever actually use it, it was always a joke since Alex said he would never have sex before marriage.

“All you need to know is that I should never have one of those things again…” Alex left him in confusion, using his moment to act all cool and mysterious.

“Well. No. We’re not making that mistake again. It’s actually something that forces you to leave your house.” Aksel stated. 

Alex was already not liking this and they hadn’t even told him what he was doing.

“What? Are you going to kill me and bury me in the backyard? Because that’s the only way I will ever let you take me anywhere.” Alex said, smiling as he waited for them to answer. He was glad they couldn’t see him smiling his ass off.

For some reason he was really happy, but he would continue to act grumpy.

_ The fact that they would take me somewhere to cheer me up… _

“Ok well actually that was plan b. But plan a was…” Aksel started drumming his fingers on his desk, Jack making some duh duh duh sounds as Alex just shook his head at his friends. “A FRIEND TRIP!” Aksel finally yelled out, obviously sending his hands out in the air.

“What would we be doing on this gay trip?” Alex asked, interested.

“Ok. First you duck. It’s not gay if we want to hang out with you. And second. It’s a ski resort.”  _ A ski resort? _ “So that you can finally learn how to snowboard like you have always wanted to.” Alex’s heart skipped a beat, hearing Jack’s answer.

“How did-”

“I saw that bucket list you claimed you didn’t have the last time I came to your house. Under your bed is the most obvious spot you dunce.” Jack said, smiling. Alex smiled also, wanting to comment on the fact Jack went through his room but he kept quiet.

“So... you excited?” Aksel asked, ready to be put down. Alex wasn’t always up for adventure but suddenly somehow he was in this moment, maybe it was the fact they were excited about it or that he would finally get to snowboard… but he was genuinely ecstatic.

“You better be excited. We had to buy four whole tickets.” Jack said, the happiness not leaving his voice. Alex’s eyebrow raised up. He felt goosebumps start to spread over his body in a cold, terrifying way.

“Four?” He already dreaded the question, his heart slowing down and every inch of his body hoping it was a mistake.  _ Please don’t say it… please don’t say it… _

“Yeah. You. Me. Aksel. And Camille.” Jack answered, obviously not sensing what was wrong. But he did sense something was up.

Alex’s stomach flipped to the reveal. He suddenly didn’t feel so happy anymore and instead all that was left was a feeling of sickness.

“I don’t know guys… maybe this isn’t a good idea. I can just stay home this christmas.” Alex said, trying to figure out a way to back out. He had to ask himself if he really hated Camille all that much. He hadn’t really met her one on one but he still got a bad feeling.

“No Alex. I know you're alone this year and I really want you to come. So please?” Jack pleaded, Alex still feeling sick but a lighter feeling entering his chest. 

He thought maybe he could just be overreacting and maybe he could finally get to know her. Maybe he would finally be able to destroy this sick feeling and be able to eat for once in like two months.

“Fine.” 

And with that, he sealed his fate.

“Good. Because like I said, I already paid for your ticket.”


	10. Snow

When Alex got off the flight, all his nerves were coming back. He wasn’t feeling sick yet, which he for sure thought he would be but instead he was just nervous to the max. He began walking into the airport, where Jack and Aksel said they would be waiting when he got out.

He saw them a few seconds as he walked out, pausing with his suitcase as he watched Jack wrapping his arm around Camille. They all had puffy jackets on, which made sense due to the weather outside. Snowing like hell. Alex had even gone shopping for the trip. It had been hard to find snow clothing in New Mexico. 

He stood there for a few seconds, not being noticed and decided to walk back into the plane even if the attendant told him to come back out.

_ I can’t do this. I can’t do this. _

But Jack had turned around just at that moment and caught a glimpse of his hair as Alex tried to high tail out of there. “ALEX!” He yelled out, taking his arm away from Camille and running after Alex who had now stopped reluctantly at the sound of his name.

Jack could tell that Alex was freaking out, taking a peek back at Camille and Aksel before walking further towards Alex. Alex turned around, trying to smile as Jack was now right in front of him.

Jack greeted Alex with a smile, Alex feeling somehow settle by it. 

“So I’m guessing you have a problem with Camille?” Alex was caught off guard by the question, noticing how Jack’s smile didn’t falter but instead toned down to an ‘I know dude’ kind of look.

“I-It’s not that I-” Alex tried to find the words, feeling somehow embarrassed now.

“Dude. It’s alright. You’ve only met her like once. I don’t expect you to be in love with her. I’d rather you not.” Alex tried to laugh, but it came out in shakes. “It was kind of obvious when your excitement toned down at the sound of Camille’s name. And how you almost tried to run away just now.” Jack placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder, the gentle touch making Alex stare at his hand.

“But you’ll get to know her on this trip. And everything will turn out ok. Ok?” Jack asked rhetorically. It was funny how Alex could be reassured just because Jack said it like it was a fact. Alex nodded, trying to make him happy.

He ended up smiling wider and then wrapping an arm around Alex in a side hug as he walked them both over towards the group. 

It didn’t take them long to be separated as Aksel caught his eyes on Alex and picked him up in a giant hug removing him from Jack’s grip. Camille and Jack laughed as Aksel acted like he was hugging his lover who he hadn’t seen for years.

Alex went limp knowing he had no control over this, but still made sure it didn’t last too long and pat him on the back when it was time for him to let go.

“Geez. I’m not a toy.” Alex mumbled, taking a step back so he couldn’t get hugged again.

“Could have fooled me. Have you even been eating?” Jack poked at Alex’s stomach, Alex slapping his hand off.

“Well it’s obvious you have been.” Alex retorted back, poking Jack’s stomach this time.

“Ok. I deserved that.” Jack said, smiling over at Camille. 

Alex knew that Jack wasn’t offended by the overweight jokes because Jack wasn’t even that overweight. He was just fluffy and Alex loved that Jack would never change himself or his values for anyone.

Alex made an effort, sending a wave over at Camille. He wasn’t too comfortable but he felt more at ease when Jack smiled knowing he was trying.

“Hi. We haven’t really officially met. Obviously I’m Camille.” She smiled, sending out a hand. Alex stared at it for a second, taking a deep breath in and stealing a glance towards Jack before he finally took it.

“And I’m obviously Alex. It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. Like A LOT. It’s annoying how much this guy can talk.” Alex said, pointing at Jack as Jack gave him a bit of the stink eye. Camille liked it because she laughed, more at ease.

“Don’t even get me started.” She said, sighing.

“Oh. I won’t. Because he will just end up taking over the conversation and go into a full lecture.” Alex teased, making sure to smile over to Jack. 

“Hey. I’m not that bad.” Jack said, acting hurt over their insults. Alex pressed his lips together, Camille doing the same as they both looked away to avoid Jack’s gaze. It was a way of saying sureeee.

“Shut up.” Jack pushed Alex’s head.

“Hey she did the same thing. Why am I the only one getting tortured?” Alex laughed it off, acting offended all the same.

“You know I love you.” Camille said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. Using her girlfriend motives to calm him down. Alex felt like he was getting sucker punched in the chest, but he just cleared his throat to ignore it.

He tried to act ok with it.

“Touche.” Alex glared, Camille smiling devilishly after her move.

“I’m not an idiot. I can see you guys.” Jack states, both insulters erupting into laughter at Jack’s face.

They took a weirdly nice uber, filled with candy and all kinds of drinks, to the resort that Aksel had paid for. He got three rooms. One for Alex, one for Aksel… and one for Camille and Jack. Knowing they would be in the room together made Alex even more uneasy.

_ A couple… on a romantic getaway. What could happen there?  _ He stopped himself.  _ Why do I even care? _

And for some reason he was even more annoyed. Because he had gotten to know Camille more on the uber ride that lasted twenty minutes and realized that she was actually pretty cool. She was way too cool for Jack, which was saying something.

But now he had no reason to feel queasy or sick, he had no reason to hate her. Which suddenly made him feel even worse in the stomach. Why was he still having problems? He liked Camille, so why was he still feeling like his heart was tearing?

_ Maybe it would have been easier to hate her? Maybe I’m just too jealous of her stealing my friend away? I don’t know. _

But he couldn’t go back now. They connected on that friend level and he hadn't even been trying all too much. And yet, he still ended up liking her like a really good friend.

He hated his whole body in this moment.

There was something he wasn’t admitting to himself, something right there staring into his face and he still couldn’t come to terms with it. But he knew he had to at some point. And sooner than later because that thing was getting closer.

And he could feel it. And he was dreading it. And he wished he could stop it.

They quickly got out of the car, Aksel going to grab the bags out of the trunk. Alex took that moment to look around at the area, seeing the snow all around him in a way he had never seen before.

It was like there was nothing except white. Even the trees had been covered to the point you could barely see the green. The only obvious color was the resort that was made up of big logs and windows that sparkled from the sun.

He sort of loved it. Seeing something different from the usual dry land he was used to. And he would have been enjoying it fully if his brain would just let him forget about his worries. But it was colder than he imagined.

He saw the ski slopes up top a giant hill, the lifts overhead to get up there. He was excited to get started, knowing that would be the first thing he would want to do after unpacking. But first he had to get to his room. And then go to the rental place to rent a board.

He wondered what the rest of them would be doing, but he didn’t wonder for long as he caught eyes with Jack. He walked up to Alex with big steps in the snow and Alex snorted at Jack almost falling.

Jack grabbed onto Alex.

“If I go down, I’m taking you down with me.”

“Sounds fair. But what if!” Alex pushes him just in time to surprise him and sends him flying back into the snow. Alex can’t stop laughing as Jack flutters around for a moment, just realizing what Alex had done.

Once he gets it, he flops down on the ground.  _ Your gonna regret that. _ He thinks as he begins to make a snow angel and wiggles his arms and legs out like a worm.

“Ok. I’m done.” Jack says, Alex still watching him. Jack pretends to struggle getting up because of his giant marshmallow coat. He groans as he forces his body up but then flops back onto the snow, acting like he’s out of breath.

“Can you help? I’m stuck.” He asks, sending out a hand towards Alex who is just watching him in his misery. Alex raises an eyebrow.

“You think I’m stupid? I know that trick. I’ve done that trick too many times on you.” He crosses his arms, standing in the same place. Jack scoffs, gesturing his hand out a few times again.

“Come on dude. I’m really stuck.” He tries to get up again, falling back down a second later. Alex is now beginning to fall for it as he stares at the scene below him and loosens his arms up a bit.  _ Got you. _

“Fine. Let’s go.” Alex sends out his hand, flailing it around a few times before Jack finally grabs onto it. Alex tries to pull Jack up, using all of his strength to help him.

“Sucker.” Jack says, Alex not even having enough time to widen his eyes before Jack pulls Alex down with him back to the snow. And Alex being the skinny guy he is, flies down with barely any effort.

He faceplants into the snow, lifting up his head to spit out a ball of white.

Alex doesn’t look at the smiling Jack for a few moments as he just takes a few deep breaths, trying not to feel the urge to kill the son of a bitch. 

He eventually turns on his back, watching as his breath turns to cold air above him.

He and Jack are right next to each other, practically touching arms as they don’t look at each other and instead up to the sky. After a second or so, Alex doesn’t feel like punching Jack. He actually enjoys the silence between them as the white air above them blows out in sync.

“You enjoy the snow?” Alex turns his head at the question. “I mean since your not used to it. Last time I was at your house I think I got a sunburn. And I don’t burn easily.” Alex smiles, remembering.

“Well I was enjoying it before you ruined it with your tricks.” Alex replied, the smile not leaving his face as Jack faced him also. Alex had to move his face away a bit so that they wouldn't be breathing directly into each others faces.

“You pushed me first.” Jack recoiled. Alex shrugged.

Alex noticed how Jack’s face was growing pink from the cold, his lips slightly chapped.  _ But not chapped enough that you wouldn’t want to kiss them. _

Alex widened his eyes at the thought.  _ What? Fuck. What? _

He had no idea why he had just thought that right now. He didn’t want to kiss Jack, that was crazy. No that was more than crazy. That was insanity. Not to mention gay.

Alex aimed his head up back to the sky, his breaths turning more intense.

_ I don’t want to kiss Jack. I don’t want to kiss Jack. I don’t want to… _

“Hey you guys coming?!” Alex was pulled out of his thoughts, thankful for the distraction as he sprinted back up to his feet. He looked to Camille who was by the uber next to Aksel where the two had left them. “We need help with the bags and I’m not feeling too well.” 

Alex ran over, Jack behind him once he learned to get up again. Because he would not admit that he almost got stuck in the snow. But he did. He almost got stuck in the snow.

“Why are you feeling sick?” Jack asked as Alex had no questions, using the time away from Jack to grab some bags between him and Aksel. Aksel took most of the bags thinking that Alex wouldn’t be able to carry them, even when Alex said he could. Aksel wouldn’t give him anymore of the bags though.

“You know I’ve been feeling sick for a couple weeks. I’m probably getting the flu.” Camille states, grabbing her own bag. “I’ll be fine, I just need to lay down for a second.” Jack nodded, trying to take her bag for her but she said she was fine.

_ He can take one of these…  _ Alex thought, glancing down at the multiple bags either wrapped around him on a strap or in his arms.

“You probably don’t want help either huh?” Alex widened his eyes when Jack offered his hands for a bag or two. Alex thought about it for a second, just staring. Jack didn’t move an inch, Aksel walking away from the stare off.

“You can carry one. Only one. I’m strong enough for the rest.” 

Jack smiled at the approval, feeling needed for once as he grabbed one of the overflowing bags from Alex’s arms. Alex wouldn’t smile while Jack could see his face, he wouldn’t let him see how happy Jack’s face made him.

“I’m sure you are barbie.” Jack whispered, Alex barely hearing as he started after Aksel and Camille. Alex finally smiled to himself.

“NOT AN INSULT!”


	11. Realization Hits Like a Brick

When Alex got to his room, he made sure to unpack the most important things like clothes and decided he would get to the other stuff later. His room was amazing, he had gotten the smallest one but it had the aesthetic of his small room at home. Just more fancy.

At least he wouldn’t have to clean all of his junk from his bed to go to sleep, instead there was nothing covering the bed except the blankets. And the checkered blanket looked warm and fuzzy and reminded him of those cabin beds from tv shows.

He didn’t stay there long, throwing his clothes in a drawer and walking out into the living area to leave and find a rental place. He had eyed one on their way here and wanted to get there as soon as he could. He wasn’t jumping for joy, but he was excited to finally do something he had always wanted to do.

He sort of stopped though, when he heard talking going on near the couches which were right around the giant fireplace that held real wood. Not like those fake fireplaces that you switch on for no heat whatsoever.

His eyes caught onto Jack almost instantly like they always did when he was in a room. But instead of walking away when he saw him with his arm around Camille, he walked closer. Feeling a little stronger than before, even though he was still having some reservations.

He saw no problem. He liked Jack’s girlfriend. He didn’t have any reason to feel sick anymore. And those uneasy feelings he had before, they obviously were just from being in a new place.  _ There’s nothing wrong anymore. _

He made it up to them, Jack catching eyes with him and smiling before he patted at a spot near Aksel. Aksel and Camille greeted him with warm smiles like always but Alex took a second before he sat down.

He had only seen the couples backs before but now he was watching as they full on cuddled with a small red blanket on their laps. Alex stopped staring as he sat down, feeling unwelcome to that kind of sight.

_ There’s nothing wrong... _

But once Jack and Aksel had started talking about whatever they were talking about, Alex couldn’t help but glance back at Jack and Camille. She had her head in his neck, looking a little more sickly than before.  _ She must really be getting the flu... _

But she still looked comfortable, obviously warm in Jack’s arms.

_ I wish I could be in his arms… _

The words just sort of came out in his head, the same weight of forbidden as the last phrase when him and Jack were in the snow. 

He looked down, his heart racing once again. His brain was beginning to vibrate, him knowing that it was from what he wasn’t telling himself. He didn’t want to have those thoughts come out. He didn’t want to admit it.

But when Camille pressed her lips to Jack’s cheek even as he didn’t notice, his guard came down and all his thoughts came free. 

_ Something was wrong. _

His heart ached as everything started to reveal itself to him.

He wasn’t mad about his friend being taken away from him, he was mad because Jack was with a girl. Because he was dating someone. Someone that wasn’t him.

And all those times that he knew he was hiding something from himself, he felt uneasy. He was never honest with himself about it because once he said those words out loud. Even to himself, it would change everything. And not in a good way.

He realized that he couldn’t eat because those sick moments were of jealousy. Because he was… heartbroken?

A look of fear came over Alex’s face, one that showed clear. Everything was unraveling in his brain, everything that he didn’t want to be unraveled. And it was all because he let his guard down in that one moment.

_ How could I realize this all so fast? This feels too fast… please stop. _

“Are you ok Alex?”

Alex shot his head up at the sound of Jack’s voice. But he quickly looked away, not being able to look at him. He needed to shove everything back into his mind before it was too late. 

He needed it to go back to the back of his head again.

“I-I forgot I needed to go rent some stuff.” Alex got up like you would imagine the flash would after being freaked the fuck out. “I’ll be back later.” And then he left as fast as he could before anyone could notice how scared he was.

But Jack saw, how couldn’t he see? They were best friends and he saw his said friend was going through another problem, maybe even the same one. 

But instead of running after him, he looked at his girlfriend who wasn’t feeling well and stayed.

But he had to look back. He had to.

Alex on the other hand was running outside, into the snow as he moved through a thick amount to get to a secluded area away from any roaming people. His head was beginning to hurt with a sharp pain as he couldn’t go back now.

He had to say it now or he would become worse than he was. But it was hard for him to for a few minutes.  _ No. No I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to say it… it’s not true. _

He kept trying to get it out but everytime he even tried to say a word, it came out in stuttering.

He looked around, making sure no one was around before he finally let those words escape his mouth.

“I like Jack…”

He finally admitted, feeling a slight weight be lifted off his shoulder. But then an even heavier one fall on him. 

He started to breathe heavier, his whole world spinning around him. He fell to the ground, not minding the cold.

He liked his best friend. He liked Jack. 

And that would only bring more misery than he had ever wanted.

Alex wished he had never realized now, but he knew deep in his heart he had always liked Jack. He was just too scared to think of it. He was too scared to ruin everything.

He brought his knees up to his chest, trying not to break.

“I like him.”

He said again, combing both of his hands through his hair.


	12. A Friend

__ His brain was silent for once. 

Now there was no reason for excuses, now he wouldn’t have to keep distracting himself from the unknown. Because the unknown was now known. But with that relief came pain.

He liked someone that would never like him back in a million years.

He scrolled through his phone slower than ever, trying to find someone that he could rely on. That he could get advice from. Someone that understood how this felt.

And there were only a few people like that.

Swagger and Fitz were on vacation, so Alex zoomed past their names and landed on the only other obvious choice. He was under an alias that Alex had no idea what meant, but he knew it was him and clicked on the telephone icon before he could change his mind.

Everything had gone so fast, his mind becoming a rush as the phone rang.

He didn’t know what to say now, the words becoming lost. He would probably just shout something out that either made no sense or that he would have to ask about. But Alex didn’t pull back.

The ringing stopped and he knew he had answered.

And before he could say anything, Alex did just as he thought.

“I’m fucked.” He almost yelled out, his voice cracking.

Alex was sort of shocked that it actually made sense, maybe not to the guy on the other line, but it made sense to him. Because it was how he was feeling. The guy was silent for a second.

“Well hello to you too duck.” He answered back, half laughing. He probably thought Alex was joking because he usually only called him to annoy the hell out of him when he was bored. 

But right now, Alex was freaking the hell out, more than he had already been.

“Carson I’m being serious. I’m fucked. I’m fucked. I’m fucked.” Alex used his free hand to pull at his hair as he closed his eyes. 

His ass was cold, but he could care less at this point.

“Woah woah. What’s going on? Have you finally tried drugs? Cause you sound like your on drugs right now.” Carson replied back, obviously joking but there was a sense of worry in his voice. Because Alex had never been this serious before.

They usually agreed to never be serious with each other, so the fact that Alex was breaking that rule meant something serious.

“No. I wish it was that easy. Carson I’m in like with a guy. I’m in like with a fucking guy.” Alex crouched down lower, his head practically in between his legs now. He started to teeter forward and backward.

“Geez. I thought you were butt dialing me. But this is way more than I was prepared for.” Carson had clearly not taken in the information quite yet. “Wait. Damn dude. You like a guy?” Alex nodded to himself, Carson finally getting it.

“Who are you talking to?” Alex’s head lifted at another voice from the line, one that was familiar and most definitely Charlie. He sounded tired.  _ Fuck. Did I wake him up? _

“It’s just Alex. You go back to sleep. I’ll come back soon.” Alex could hear shuffling, and then the door shut before Carson came back to the phone. “Sorry.”

Ever since Carson had gotten in a relationship with Charlie, he’s been his old self in videos plus a more sensitive person outside of his videos. He’s the same old Carson just with an add on.

“No. I should be sorry. Was I interrupting something?” Alex was in full human mode, being vulnerable than he had ever been. Well there were more than a few times with Jack, but he never crossed that line with Carson.

But he was also crossing a lot of lines today. 

“No. No. Charlie was just falling asleep during a movie. Nothing you interrupted except me creepily staring at him.” Carson jokes, his signature laugh coming through the line. Alex kind of relaxes.

“Really. I am sorry. I know we don’t usually do this. But Swagger and Fitz are on vacation for god knows how long and I just needed to talk to someone that understood.” Alex sighed, hearing Carson scoff on the other side.

“Probably sucking each other’s faces off as we speak.” Carson said, causing Alex to finally laugh even if it was a tiny bit. And even if it only lasted for a few seconds. It was appreciated.

“I’m just having a really hard time right now.” Alex took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’m gay but I’ve never had sexual feelings for anyone. Even girls. I mean I’ve liked girls but I’ve never-”

“I get it Alex. Look. You could be anything. After I figured out I had feelings for Charlie I looked up practically every reason to figure out why. Well found out I was for sure gay…” He sighed for a moment, but it wasn’t a sad sigh. “But hey now I can say I like dick and balls without actually lying.” Alex scoffed.

“Yeah but now Schatt hates you for saying that.” Carson laughed at this, never caring about Schlatts opinion anyways.

“But like I was saying I went across all these sexualities. Especially demisexual.”

“Demisexual?”

“Yeah it’s when you only have sexual feelings for someone after you have an emotional connection with them. At least that’s what I remember, unless I’m butchering it.”

_ Demisexual? Hm. That doesn’t sound so bad... _

“Look at Carson, being the smart one.” Alex said, smiling again. He was almost not in his head anymore, but he knew that was only because someone was distracting him from cracking at the seams.

“Shut your trap. I’m just trying to help.”

“No. You are. You really are. I think I was just having such a problem because I was so in my head and he’s got a girlfriend now which makes everything even more complicated than it already was.” Alex stated, making small shapes in the snow with his free hand.

Carson was silent for a few moments, making Alex perplexed.

“Wait. Is it Jack?” He finally came out with after so long, making Alex widen his eyes but then pretty much slap himself.

“Shit. I just revealed that it was him didn’t I?” He kept facepalming.

“Well now you did.” Carson revealed. Alex stopped hitting himself as he realized Carson sort of tricked him.  _ That devil. _ “But don’t worry. I won’t tell anybody. Just be glad you didn’t tell Cooper.” Alex let out a sigh of relief to the confirmation.

“You still mad at him for outing you guys in the group game?” Alex questioned, remembering when they were playing Minecraft together. Cooper had gotten so mad at Carson winning for once that he accidentally revealed that Carson was only winning because he got Charlie to rub him off before hand.

In Coopers defense, they didn’t deny the accusation.

“Nah. But he still deserves the silent treatment for just a little bit longer. No one should know that I take handjobs instead of giving them. I’m supposed to like dick and balls. Disappointing Schlatt here.” 

Alex laughs, imagining how Cooper is probably not even noticing because Carson is usually quiet. Well not in his streams, he’s like a fucking animal in those.

It’s then that Alex realizes again why he had begun talking to Carson. 

_ Why can’t I just forget for one fucking moment? _

“Fuck. How did I fall for a straight guy? And why, out of everyone in the world, did it have to be my best friend?” Alex goes back to his crouching, only then realizing how pathetic he really is.

“Are you sure you like him like that?” Carson asks. 

Alex had already hoped for a reasoning other than he full on liked Jack. Everything just came back to the same outcome and he realized he couldn’t make up excuses anymore.

“Well I’m happy whenever he touches me. I never want to let him go. I want to do everything his girlfriend does to him, especially the cuddling. And I just can’t get him out of my head, but I know overall I want him to be happy.” Alex kind of went into the reasons without even thinking about it, he didn’t have a filter on anymore, everything just tumbling down in this moment. 

He just hoped he would be fine enough when he saw Jack again.

_ Fuck… Jack. _

“That sounds more than like Alex… are you sure you aren’t in like love with him?” Carson was hesitant to ask, but he had to ask. 

Alex unclutched from his legs, sitting straight up as if he was having a vision, but no it wasn’t a vision. It was more like a realization.

Alex thought for a second, back to every moment he had with Jack. Back to every feeling Jack had ever given to him in his life. And back to everything he had heard come out of Jack’s mouth.

“Fuck…” The words slipped out of Alex’s mouth.

“What? What’s wrong?” Carson asked.

“I’m in love with him.” Alex said, his hand dropping in the snow.

Carson sighed, knowing that this would be messy. And Alex knew too. Jack was straight, and he had a girlfriend, and Alex was only his best friend. 

None of this could go well.

“Well. I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna be a big issue with how good friends you are. Me and Charlie weren’t even best friends like you two, we were just friends and that's what made the switch easier.” Carson starts. “And plus he has a girlfriend. Are you willing to risk everything?”

Alex takes it all in for a second. 

“I just need to get it out there. I need these feelings to be stomped on.” Alex began as he grabbed onto some of the snow. “I just want everything to go back to how it was before I realized how I felt.“

And he really did, because even if he got killed over this at least he would die knowing that he still had his best friend. And only as a best friend. Because even if Alex was in love with Jack, he didn’t want to ever risk what they had.

And if he kept it a secret like he had been, then Jack would be able to tell Alex was going through something and Alex would have to keep lying saying he was fine. And Alex couldn’t do that to Jack, especially since Jack always knew when he was lying.

“It’s not going to be easy to get rejected either. Multiply how you feel now by ten”

“I’ll do anything to save our friendship.” Alex didn’t need anymore time to realize what he had to do

Alex could hear a sigh from Carson’s end. “Than you know what you need to do.”

“Yeah… I do…”

“Just remember I warned you.”


	13. Not Alright

All Alex had to do was confess to Jack.

That’s all.

_ THAT’S FUCKING ALL?! THAT’S ALREADY TOO MUCH! _

Alex decided not to do it right away, especially not when they were on this trip. Because if it was awkward for the next two weeks, then it would be like hell and he wouldn’t be able to leave until the end of the trip.

So he needed distract himself for the moment. 

It was just a start for now, but snowboarding would be a great way to steer away from much interaction with Jack that could end up with Alex confessing out of the blue. Cause he felt like he was going to pop at some point.

He was just scared because he didn’t know when that point would be.

So Alex rented a board and all the supplies he would need, including some cool ass goggles that he could have left out but he bought them anyways. And he signed up for a class on snowboarding that was said to have good reviews. 

But he didn’t have much of a choice, they were the only training spot not on another mountain.

He began training literally that day, learning the basics and what you need to know about each level and when your ready for the next one. But to not go too fast and take your time. The teacher spent the whole class talking about safety and where to start. 

Alex listened like the goody two shoes in the class, trying to keep his mind off of things that he shouldn’t be thinking about anyways.

The homework was to get used to standing on the board and start slowly down a small hill. Alex was pretty excited, unlike some other people who just wanted to get to the big mountains already.

By the time Alex got home it was time for dinner, Jack asking if Alex wanted to go with them to a restaurant that served giant chocolate cake. Alex really wanted to go, staring at Jack as Jack knew that Alex couldn’t pass up this opportunity.

_ Control yourself Alex. It’s just cake… It’s just… _

He almost slapped himself when he answered. “No. I’m good. I need to get to sleep.” And biting his cheek to stop from drooling, he rushed back to his room.

It was safe to say that Jack was in complete and utter shock watching him leave.  _ He gave up… cake?  _ He was still just standing there which made Aksel and Camille have to push him out the door so they could get a table in time.

And then the next day, Jack was playing cards with Aksel as Camille was on the couch reading a magazine she had just bought. Alex came rushing into the room, ready to leave all dressed up in his gear and his board under his arm.

“Hey Alex before you leave do you want to play Uno with us?” Jack had asked in a yell, just to make sure Alex heard. By this point Jack had known something was up. First the cake and now they were barely talking.

Aksel was so focused on the game, he sent his card down with such strength, almost sending the deck off the table. “Yeah let’s beat Jack’s ass together.” 

He had heard what came out of his mouth, stopping for a moment.

Jack glanced at him with a what the hell kind of look.

“You can beat his ass all by yourself.” Alex walked out of the room, the two looking at his back as he closed the door behind him. 

Aksel raised an eyebrow, surprised that Alex had given up the chance to joke more on the slip.

Or how he hadn’t laughed like a maniac like he always had at the stupid shit they did.   
Alex started out pretty slow while practicing, usually just going down the kid hills trying not to fall. But then there were kids doing better than him and he set out on a new mission. He had learned the basic skills to snowboarding, now it was time to get good enough to beat the kids.

That was easier said than done.

Everytime he would start going down a hill, he would get freaked out by a tree and end up crashing into it even when he tried to avoid it. And so he sat down in the snow by the tree, just watching adults board.

“LOSER!” One of the kids zooming down the hill yells at him.

“WELL AT LEAST I’M NOT A FAILED ABORTION!” He yells back with no beat to think.

He groans to himself, looking up only to see a parent not too far away covering her kids ears. He nervously laughs, trying to avoid the glare as he gets up and heads back to the resort.

_ This is a good place to stop. _

_ Gonna get fucking demonetized in real life... _

Over the next few days Aksel joins in on trying to get Alex to hang out with them as christmas isn’t too far away now. Alex uses his normal excuse that he’s busy and rushes out before they can ask.

He was actually busy, he was just now getting good at snowboarding. He wasn’t falling as much and he had made it far enough to be able to board on the adult hills. He was so proud of himself when he got that privilege.

But he learned that he wasn’t so good at snowboarding when he thought about Jack. And that was a bit of a problem because he had been thinking about him nonstop, the days rolling to an end fast.

He tried his best though, getting better and better every day. He couldn’t do flips or anything crazy but he could at least zig zag and go down the hills without falling into a tree or leaning too far off the edge.

“Oh fuck.” He voiced, patting down his pockets. When he felt nothing, he took off his gloves and searched around inside of the pockets. 

_ It’s not there… _

He had forgotten his phone, so he quickly ran in the back door through the resort to avoid Jack and Aksel. He hadn’t even been talking to Camille, but she was still a bit sick so it didn’t matter anyways.

He checked his bedroom. He checked the couches. He checked the kitchen. He checked everywhere he could have been in the last day. But nothing. 

The bathroom was his last hope so he scurried in there like a sneaky rat.

_ Aksel and Jack probably hid it to keep me here. _ Alex thought, grumbling at the actual good idea. But knew that they couldn’t have been that smart.

He browsed the counters, seeing nothing so he started through the drawers. There was barely anything in them. Just some toothpaste, mouthwash, toothbrushes in their own individual bags, and a box.

_ A box? _ He questioned, having felt it in the back of the drawer where no one would have thought to look. Oh well except him.  _ Did they seriously put it in a box? _ He sighed and pulled it out so that he could look through it hearing an object inside.

But he stopped and widened his eyes once he saw the cover.

_ Why would we have this? Why would they buy this just to put my phone inside of it? _

He looked inside the box, his heart moving slower and his breaths growing shallower as he saw that it wasn’t his phone inside.

It had been warm inside the room but as he stared at the object, the space around him had somehow grown colder.

_ A pregnancy test… _

There was only one in the box. And he had checked the cover, which said that there were 2 total inside of it. So why was there only one? 

There was only one girl here.

One girl who had been sick for a week now.

He couldn’t move for a few moments, his head scrambling for an answer to this problem. Other than one where Camille was pregnant. Other than one where Jack was going to be a father.

But no matter how hard he wished, there was too much evidence pointing to the fact that she was. That he was.

“I’M BACK!” Alex’s eyes started tearing up once he heard Jack’s voice from the front door. 

“ME TOO!” Aksel yelled to be included.

He dropped the box back into the drawer as fast as he could before he started out of the bathroom. Drying his eyes as best he could with his puffy coat, he turned to the wall beside him.

He grabbed his board from the wall and headed for the front door where he heard Aksel and Jack talking.

He kept his eyes on the ground, trying to walk with the board in a way that it was covering his face.

“Hey Alex. Let-” Jack started, walking closer to Alex but Alex walked faster, closing his eyes super hard for a split second as he pushed his way through the door. “ALEX!” Jack yelled trying to catch up to him but Alex was already outside by the time he reached the door.

It was hard for Alex to act like that towards Jack, to not even give him so much as a one word answer. But the pain inside his chest was crushing him in such a way that it was harder for him to suck it up and talk to him.

Jack was so confused he couldn’t stop staring at the closed door in front of him. Alex had never acted that way towards him, he couldn’t have even thought of a reason that would cause Alex to act like this.

“Jack?” Aksel asked. “I guess hiding the phone didn’t work.”

Jack shrugged, still shaken up. He hadn’t even seen Alex’s face. But he felt like something happened. Something big. 

It couldn’t have been the phone thing. 

Yeah they hid it in Jack’s room so that Alex would stay for a little longer even if it was just searching for it with them, but Alex didn’t know that. And he wouldn’t have been that mad.

Alex would have praised them for the effort.

“I’ll be back.” Jack ran out the door just like Alex, to go after him.

Because enough was enough.

Alex had gotten outside pretty quick, looking around to figure out where to hide just in case Jack had stormed outside. He checked the trees.  _ Too open. _ He couldn’t think much but needed a place to hide. And he needed it now.

Where no one would be able to find him.

His head roamed upwards, catching sight on the tallest hill at the resort. It was so high that no one ever wanted to go on it. Some people tried but they had gotten injured and the resort had to wrap the starting point with caution tape.

_ Perfect. _


	14. Late

He made it up the hill in about ten minutes, out of breath and exhausted but the thought of the pregnancy keeping him up. It made so much sense to him now. That’s why Camille had been so sick.

It was under his nose the whole time and he didn’t even notice. But how could he have? He never wanted it to happen. He wanted Jack to be happy and Jack had always wanted kids someday, but Alex didn’t want to lose him so soon.

Sure maybe in a year he could have, maybe he would have been over Jack by then.

But now? Alex didn’t even want to think about it. All of Jack’s time taken up by his kid and Camille, Alex never seeing his best friend except on certain occasions.

Everything changing.

Alex stood, watching his breath come out faster as he thought about the future.

Not to mention that now Alex couldn’t tell him how he felt. If Jack knew, it would bring more problems on him and Alex couldn’t do that to him. 

He loved torturing Jack, but that was too much torture for anyone.

Alex closed his eyes slowly, his eyes growing warmer in the cold wind. 

He had never cried that much, but knowing that he would have to live with this torture of loving his best friend alone would kill him from the inside.

Everything was going to crap and Alex hadn’t even confessed. 

Life had just gotten in the way. Which is what life always did. And it would be life that brought Alex’s downfall.

He wanted to be distracted like he had been the past week, he just wanted to forget all of this. He just wanted to go back to how things had been before. 

He wanted it to end. 

The stabbing in his heart. The tears slowly dropping out of his eyes one by one. His feelings.

He wanted it all to just end.

But he couldn’t. So he turned to a distraction instead and got prepared to go snowboarding. He tightened the boots on his feet and positioned himself sideways, ready to start down the hill.

The tears were already blurring his eyes but he still jumped to start down the hill, instantly feeling the cold air strike against his face. It was freezing but the inside of his body was warm so they cancelled each other out.

It was going pretty well, Alex confused as to why this would be such a bad hill. A few minutes in and he was dodging trees and growing faster without any trouble. 

It was freeing but at the same time his chest was tightening.

And then images of Jack circled around in his mind as if on a loop. First it started with just Jack, and then him and Jack and then Camille and Jack. And then images of Jack, Camille, and their future baby started torturing him also.

_ No. No. Wait. _ He pleaded, his feet going numb suddenly. His legs began to give out, causing him to try to stop himself. But the snowboard wouldn’t stop.

He even crouched, trying to grab onto the snow, maybe even some roots or even rocks under the snow. But all there was was snow. He couldn’t grab anything and it felt like knives when he tried.

It was as if it was going a hundred miles a minute and he couldn’t stop himself.

All his nerves were on edge, his heart rapidly beating as he stared down at his board which was slicing through the snow without any hesitance.

And then he looked up.

Right at a tree.

Jack had tried searching for Alex, Aksel helping out as best he could. But everywhere he went he was just met with his high expectations being torn down like a wall would be with a torpedo.

It got dark too soon and he knew he should probably go back, but his chest was heavy.

“He’ll come back tonight. We should probably get some rest.”

Aksel's words made him finally go back to the resort, but with a very heavy hesitance as he kept looking behind him. He knew it wasn’t likely, but he was waiting for Alex to just appear behind him.

He wouldn’t mind being scared right now if it meant that Alex was doing the scaring. Because the fact that he wasn’t there was scaring Jack more than he could ever be.

When they got back, Camille was already asleep. Jack stared at her for a second, leaving to head to Alex’s room hoping that he would be in there somehow.  _ Maybe he just came back and snuck past us. _

But when he entered the room, it was clean and kept. No sign of Alex.

Jack’s breath came out in small huffs as he sat on the bed, hoping that Alex would be back soon. He tried to keep calm, grabbing onto his other hand that was shaking slightly. 

_ Alex is going to be fine. He’s probably just outside the front door getting ready to come in. He’s going to be fine. _ He kept having to tell himself as he stared at the beige door in front of him.

He didn’t stop staring as he sat there, the color being etched into his mind as he blanked out and came to only when he heard a small noise from the resort. It was never Alex but he still had hope.

He figured out the door was actually an eggshell and not a beige, him confused as to how he knew that.

At some point, he was so tired that he fell asleep right on Alex’s bed. The smell of his cologne that he claimed he didn’t wear was still stuck in the pillows. 

As Jack laid his head on them, it somehow made him feel more calm.


	15. Search

When he woke up, there was still no sign of Alex. 

But he still ran up and out into the living room area, searching as if for his phone. 

Aksel was making coffee. Alex wasn’t anywhere near him.

“Hey dude. You don’t look so good. Sit down. I’ll grab you a cup.” Jack didn’t have any will power to deny or accept as he just sat in one of the tall chairs at the counter. Aksel kept eyeing him as he poured some of the black coffee into a festive tree cup.

Aksel grabbed some sugar and Jack unwillingly smiled for a moment, remembering how Alex would never drink coffee unless it had sugar. But he always said that he drank it black to seem tough, saying how only weaklings put sugar in the coffee.

Jack had caught him pouring sugar packets into his cup but when Jack entered the room, Alex got so freaked out for a moment that he ended up dropping the unopened packets into his coffee.

Jack’s smile faded as he thought about how Alex could be out there right now. Hurt. Or maybe even worse… Jack couldn’t let those thoughts in. He couldn’t think of the possibility that Alex could be gone.

But he felt in his heart that something was wrong. It was twinging, telling him to listen to it.

Camille came into the kitchen, looking better than the day before as she took Jack’s cup of coffee, Jack not even caring. But Aksel shaming her on it. 

She didn’t care either, almost flipping him off.

“Did Alex come by at all while I was asleep?” Jack finally tuned in, looking up at the only other two people that would know. Camille looked at Aksel, confused as to what was going on. Aksel filled her in pretty quick before giving his answer that he hadn’t.

“He’s probably just at the bar. Maybe he got drunk off his ass.” Camille tried to comfort. Jack was out of it, looking away.

“He doesn’t drink.”

“Then he probably slept in the lobby or something because he was so tired. Or just went to go get some breakfast and it took longer than he thought.” She tried again.

“Yeah he probably just boarded for too long and never got in. Needed those gains.” Aksel included. Jack tried to smile at them trying to be comforting but he knew that none of those were true.

He wished he could at least pretend that they were.

But they weren’t.

Aksel could see the worry on Jack’s face not being removed and in turn that made him worry even more. Because if someone knew something was wrong with Alex, it would be Jack.

They had always had a connection in that way.

“Maybe we should ask around? Go meet him?” Aksel asked, Jack looking up. It was the first time that Jack actually agreed in the last few moments. 

They grabbed their coats, setting out to find out what happened to their friend.

Aksel gave Camille his phone to go ask people if anyone had seen Alex and told her to show them the photo while Jack did the same thing but kept his phone. Aksel separated from Jack not too long later as he started describing Alex in a very detailed manner.

It was almost scary how he got graphic with his face.

It was an hour in when they met back up at the meeting spot which was the lobby of the resort. By this point Jack was freaking out and barely listening to anyone. No one had any idea where Alex was.

He had even freaked out on Camille when she told him to calm down, Jack feeling guilty about it right after but having no time to apologize before another image of Alex’s injured body came into his mind. 

Aksel afterwards told her that Alex and Jack were best friends and that Jack was just worried. Jack never got that angry unless it was about Alex.

She understood, and kept trying to help instead of getting in the way.

“Hey it’s the loser.” A kid pointed at the photo that Jack was holding. Jack turned around almost instantly, looking at the boy with intense eyes.

“You know him?” Jack pointed at the photo and the kid nodded like Jack was the dumb one.

“I saw him a while ago. And then yesterday when he was climbing up caution hill like the idiot he is. Or was. By this point, he’s probably dead.” The kid responded, shrugging before we went on his way like nothing had ever happened. 

Jack was confused by this point.  _ Caution hill? _

“Wait did he say caution hill?” Aksel interrupted his thoughts, a spring of worry shown on his face. Jack nodded, half there. 

“We need to find him quickly. I heard that it’s so dangerous that no one goes up there. Like ever. Not even the professionals.” Aksel finished as he zipped up his coat, ready to head to the sheriff's station nearby. Jack wasn’t far behind him as he hurried with Camille on his heels.

Usually you had to wait 24 hours before you could file for a missing person report, but because the area had such low crime rates and they weren’t booked they got on it quickly. 

And also because caution hill was not to be messed with, especially by someone who had just started learning to snowboard.

Jack was trying to stay calm, looking alright on the outside although he was spacing out a lot. On the inside his nerves were spiking to unknown levels. He felt sick to his stomach, not wanting to be ok if his friend wasn’t.

“We’re going to send out a plane to check for heat signatures.” One of the police officers that were huddled over in another group before, came over finally after ten minutes to update them. Jack nodded.

“But I want you to be prepared just in case. Being out in the snow, if your friend is, for that long… I just want you to know it may not be good.” Jack looked up at the serious statement. 

He had been thinking about it to get himself used to it, but it wasn’t something that he could just get used to. That was his best friend out there. His best friend that he spent half his life with and if he wasn’t ok…

Jack told himself to suck it up as he stood up.

“I want to go.”

The cop was surprised by his words for a moment.

“I would not suggest that. You should stay here and remain safe.”

“I’m going one way or another. It can be with you, the cops. Or I can go on my own where I will definitely not remain safe.” Jack stated, being reckless but staying there worrying for maybe hours was just going drive him crazy. “He’s my best friend and something happened to him. I’m going.” He was slightly scared that he was going to be detained. And he hated acting like this on those rare occasions.

But he had to know. He had to be there.

“Jack. I don’t think-” Camille tried to intervene as Aksel stared at the scene thinking. The cop on the other hand was impressed. He hadn’t seen this type of determination here before, especially when it meant putting yourself in danger.

“I want to go too.” Aksel stood up alongside Jack. Camille was shocked to say the least while Jack just gave him a half smile, knowing that Aksel cared about Alex just like he had. 

The cop didn’t take much time before he decided. “Ok. You two can come.” He tried to smile but it went away as soon as it was time to get serious. “But I need you to be prepared for the worst.” 

Aksel and Jack took a glance in each other’s direction.

Jack’s stomach dropped, knowing time was running out and it wasn’t the time to be scared.


	16. Heat Signature?

The helicopter that could only seat a handful of people, came not too long after Hoover and Aksel decided to come along. There was a silence in the air, not one of awkwardness or not knowing what to say but a purposeful one.

This was a serious mission for everyone that was boarding. Even more so Jack, who was imagining the worst the whole walk to the helicopter pad.

_ At least the sound of the blades hitting the wind is distracting me. _ He thought, getting into one of the seats after Aksel had taken the one farther away from the door. Jack didn’t know what was going through Aksel’s mind but he was more quiet than anyone.

Jack only gave him a glance before he put his gloves on, trying to do something other than worry for a few minutes. And fumbling with the fabric was doing the trick.

He looked to the pilot, that was yelling something to the cop that sat in the passenger’s seat. Jack couldn’t hear a single thing they were saying, but it looked pretty serious. And being that they were on a rescue mission, he was sure it was serious.

The other cop who had let them come along, sat on the other side of them. He was waiting for the medic, a walkie talkie in his hand to signal the pilot to take leave when it was time.

Jack looked to the nametag, thinking that it was only right to know his name after all he’s done. Which was a lot more than he could have hoped for. Not many cops would just let you come along.

_ Duffy _ . Jack read, almost smiling as he repeated the almost ridiculous name in his head. He didn’t want to be rude, so he tried to keep quiet. He turned to his side, just then realizing once again that Alex was not there.

His stomach dropped as he remembered where Alex could be. In the snow. 

The medic came not too long after, pushing a gurney into the middle of the small space. He pushed the wheels down so that it was closer to the ground and Jack couldn’t not stare at the bed like object.

It was after all going to be carrying his best friend if worse came to worse. And with how things were going lately, he was now expecting the worst.

Duffy gave the all clear, shutting the doors so that no cold wind would disturb them. Jack could barely feel anything though, so it didn’t make a difference. 

He looked out the window, watching as the helicopter raised up towards the sky. 

Hovering over the white covered mountains, all Jack could see was the snow. There was barely any green showing through and only a small amount of grey from the viciously hard mountains.

He was really hoping that Alex avoided those mountains, that he never went near those spikes.

Jack wanted to comfort his friend, who must have been too scared to say anything, but first he had to swallow his breakfast that was about to come up.

Imagining your best friend kabobbed will do that to you.

Once he was ok again, well as ok as he could be, he turned his head to Aksel. 

He hadn’t noticed before but right now Aksel had his head lowered, closing his eyes as he clasped his hands together tightly on his lap.

_ He’s praying. _

He had to have been. He wouldn’t be sleeping right now.

They had never really talked too much about their religions to each other seriously, but Jack knew that didn’t matter right now. Because even if Aksel didn't believe in god, he would still be praying.

Praying to any god that would make sure that Alex was ok.

Jack didn’t hesitate as he grasped a hand onto Aksel’s shoulder. Aksel took a second before opening his eyes again, looking to Jack. Jack nodded, telling him it was ok. More than ok even.

Aksel nodded back, giving a small smile before going back to his praying.

_ Alex is going to be ok. He has to be. _

And with that, Jack closed his eyes also.

It had been about thirty minutes since they had set flight. And there was still no word from any of the cops on the ground or any sights on the thermovision monitor the pilot had in front of him. All there was was black on the monitor, no heat signatures.

Jack was using his eyes to watch for any sign of a color or just anything. But all there was was white and by this point it was getting annoying. It was driving him crazy.

This time it was Aksel to put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. Jack didn’t need to look back, in fact he couldn’t when any sign of Alex could be down there his eyes just waiting to catch sight of it.

“He’s going to be ok.” Aksel stated, Jack almost breaking at the words. Because they were the same words he had kept telling himself and he has tried so hard to stay strong.

But he knew the longer that Alex was out there, the more risk he was under.

They all knew that.

And then he saw it, there was something sticking out of the snow. Something obviously not apart of the environment. 

Jack grabbed the binoculars, zooming into the object right next to a tree and knew it was a hand. It couldn’t have been anything other than a hand. But the rest of the body was under the snow.

Jack’s heart began to slow, but that didn’t stop him from yelling to the pilot that there was someone down there.

“I’m not getting any heat signatures…” He stated, the feeling in Jack’s chest growing more in pain. 

_ No heat signature… no heat signature… _

Jack knew what that meant, and everything he had been scared of was popping into his mind. The thought of Alex deep under that snow, his body growing colder and colder by the moment. And no pulse.

Because he had been dead for hours.

Jack couldn’t even look back to Aksel, knowing what he thought he knew. And Aksel was in turn scared for Alex’s life, taking the binoculars from Jack’s hand in a rush to make sure that there was truly a hand there.

Aksel had hoped that maybe Jack was just seeing things, that would have been best case scenario. 

But no. There was the hand. Right there. Sticking out of the snow like a branch. But not a branch.

“It’s a hand…” Aksel said quietly, but could be heard.


	17. The Body

Duffy looked to the cop in the passenger's seat, then to the two boys across from him who were imagining their friend long gone. And not in the distance sense. 

His heart almost ached. He had seen that look so many times in the span of him being a local cop. More times than he could ever imagine, but right now seeing them with that look… he wanted anything but.

“That old things been malfunctioning lately. Let’s go check it out huh Walowski?” Duffy shouted to the cop beside the pilot, Walowski looking back confused. They both knew that it was a new technology of this year, but Walowski got what he was saying.

“Yeah. Yeah. I’ll need to hit it a few times when we come back up with the boy.” He answered back, Jack looking to Aksel and then to Duffy. 

He didn’t have quite a smile on his face, but there was a little bit of hope in his eyes again.

Duffy nodded towards Jack, a small smile on his face to tell him everything was going to be ok.

Jack felt a little less hopeless, but he couldn’t help the black hole that was forming inside of his stomach. He just felt that something bad was going to happen, and he didn’t know if he could handle it.

The helicopter landed on the ground, everyone getting out to search around the area. Jack headed down towards the tree that was in the middle of the area, which was the same one he saw the hand near.

The tree was taller than he imagined, it standing about twenty feet high and fairly obvious. He didn’t know how Alex could have crashed into it if he was watching where he was going. Which meant that he wasn’t paying attention.

_ Or it was on purpose. _

The thought barged its way into his head, unwelcomed.

_ He would never do that. _

The rest of the team was behind him, Aksel keeping himself on the helicopter with his feet dangling over the open spots edge. He couldn’t bring himself to step out of that helicopter, he couldn’t bring himself to see the body.

Jack couldn’t either, but he had to know more than anyone. He was struggling through the high snow, jumping towards the hand that he could now see in plain view. 

Duffy wasn’t far behind and noticed when Jack stopped. Right in front of where the body would be.

Walowski and the medic reached the spot, Jack not moving as he watched the hand limply move in the air. 

Duffy raised a hand to Jack’s shoulder, setting it there but Jack didn’t notice.

He was too focused on the darkish skin of that hand that was now turning a kind of blue. He was too focused on searching the hand, looking for anything to identify his friend as the medic and Walowski continued to dig the body out. 

His breaths were growing shallower, everything somehow moving slower as his breath moved with it. His eyes were ready for the tears, watching as the medic pressed two fingers over the wrist of the body.

Walowski was still uncovering the head, his gloves moving quickly but not too quickly in case he hit something.

Memories were passing through Jack’s head as the noises around him faded.

He saw Alex, from the skype call, in his room as he proceeded to prepare the sandwich from the reddit page. His Peter Griffin sandwich was coming along well, way better than Jack’s volcano one.

_ How the fuck am I gonna eat this? _ He thought to himself, looking to Alex again who was so focused on his sandwich that he didn’t notice Jack staring. 

Jack couldn’t help but smile at the determination, feeling more motivated to work on his.

And then that image flashed away from his mind, turning to when Alex was pretending to be a dad with him on facebook. They had joked so much about being sexual partners in the call and to strangers, but yet it didn’t feel weird.

He didn’t keep on that too much though, remembering the moment Alex was freaking out about the crowds at PAX only a few months ago. Jack had been putting the glasses on him, totally noticing that Alex was glaring. But he didn’t mind it, knowing that Alex was just being Alex.

He still put that hood over his beanie, saying that he was worried about him. 

That moment of shock in Alex’s face made Jack’s heart beat for a moment longer than it should have.

Pulling Alex to the snow came like a flash, Jack laughing like a maniac. 

It was their last moment of happiness before Alex had completely left them alone to their own devices. 

Jack knew that he was just crossing something off his bucket list, but he could also feel Alex pulling away.

But then there was the visual of Alex running out the door that made Jack realize that it wasn’t all in his head. That Alex was actually upset and had been ignoring him for a while now and he was just too dumb to notice.

And knowing that moment of sadness might be the last time he ever saw him alive… Jack couldn’t bring himself to accept that. 

He finally came back all in one moment, seeing the medic shake his head to Duffy. Duffy tightened his hold on Jack’s shoulder.

Jack’s eyes widened, his heart beating faster suddenly.


	18. Reveal

“It’s not him…” He whispered, all the color that had been leaking out of his face coming back in a whirlwind.

“What?” Duffy asked.

“It’s not him.” Jack said all the more sure, catching sight of the clean covered hand.  _ It’s not Alex… _

Jack knew for sure now.

Alex had a scar on his hand from snowboarding and Jack had specifically remembered it because Alex was complaining about it to Aksel before Jack came into the room and Alex had to “for no reason at all” leave the room.

Duffy was more than confused, but the uncovering of the face revealed more than anything. The skin was tightly sucked into the face like the person had been dead for more than a few days. And by this point, it was impossible to tell what the cause of death was just by looking at it.

A sigh of relief came from Jack, and although he felt for the person he was so glad that it wasn’t Alex. He was more than glad. He could have fallen to the ground from exhaustion if he wasn’t stuck where he was right now, his feet sinking into the snow.

_ Thank god. _

But then he felt the hand from Duffy crash into his shoulder once again. He turned back this time, the worry obvious on Duffy’s face. “Are you sure your going to be able to see your best friend in that state if he is?” The question sent Jack off kilter.

He was so glad that it wasn’t Alex that he didn’t realize that it still could be. Just somewhere else. Somewhere that they still didn’t know yet.

That sent the sinking feeling back into a frenzy once again.

He took a deep breath. “I have to know. If he’s…” Jack had to look away for a moment, to the ground as he couldn’t say the word. “I just have to be there in case. No matter what. Even if I can’t handle it.” Jack looked back up with a fire in his eyes.

Duffy stared for a moment, the situation growing tenser by the minute. He nodded finally, calling in the dead body.

Duffy told the police back at the station to send a medic team to their coordinates, and that they were going to search the mountain for Alex some more. He made sure to add in that they would be searching until dark if they needed to.

“Thank you.” Jack couldn’t help but say.

“It’s not for you.” Duffy made sure to say, but not with any anger. More with warning. “If we don’t find him before it gets dark, there’s more of a chance for him getting hypothermia even in the suit you said he was wearing. And if it starts snowing, then let’s just hope it doesn’t start snowing.”

“What happens if it snows?” Jack wasn’t thinking, his brain on autopilot.

“Then there’s a chance your friend will be buried alive.”

Jack looked away again, his nerves spiking up once again.  _ So just don’t snow. That’s all you gotta do sky. _ He looked up at the clouds. 

_ Just don’t snow. _

They started down the mountain some more, eyes scavenging all around the area. 

Aksel was still in the helicopter, the close call being enough to send him into praying frenzy. He was even praying to fictional gods now. 

Like Barney.

Usually Aksel was the confident one, but his confidence was shaken by that dead body. 

Everyone's confidence was twitching now.

“What was that?” Duffy slapped at the air, catching Jack’s attention.

Jack saw the tear like wetness on his cheek, but he knew that Duffy wouldn’t be crying. If anyone should be crying it would be Jack, not the professional cop that’s seen this more than once.

And then it hit his face, the small ball turning into liquid on impact.

“Fuck.” Jack let out.

“It's snowing.”

They were moving quicker now that the snow was piling up. They didn’t have much time. It started out small, a few drops here and there and then it started swirling down in more groups.

Jack’s heart was beating way faster than before, searching through the fog like snow frenzy around them.

It was hard to see anything.

“ALEXXXXX!” 

Everyone that was searching started to yell at different times,staying silent for a moment after to see if there was an answer, their only hope now that Alex would still be awake. But with that assumption he would also be freezing.

Jack didn’t want Alex to be in any pain, even if it was just numbness, but then if he wasn’t conscious they would have a less percentage of finding him. And with how much the snow if coming down and how dark it’s getting, if they don’t find him now it could be too late.

“ALEX!” Jack yelled, in that moment a bunch of snow blowing into his face. He was sent back a couple of steps by the rush of wind but coughed out the snow and kept walking forwards. 

If he had one mission now, it was finding Alex alive. And only alive.

_ But if I wasn’t here, he wouldn’t have been in this mess. _ He couldn’t help but think, the thought enveloping his whole headspace. And he knew it wasn’t helping the situation to think like that, but he couldn’t stop.

He just had to keep pushing forward.

Grabbing onto a pretty skinny dark tree, he prepared himself for another blow of wind. He searched around, seeing Duffy not too far away or what he thought was Duffy. 

He took a few deep breaths, the cold seeping into his clothes and making parts of his body unbelievably numb. But he knew it was worth it if they could just find Alex.

It was almost pitch black, Jack not being able to see anything except the many snow particles that were moving through the rough wind.

He ran from tree to tree, keeping himself in place every so often to not be pulled into the snow and kept there. There was no sight of Duffy anymore but his yells could be heard not too far away.

Jack didn’t want to give up, he couldn’t give up, but he also knew that it was getting as dangerous for them as it was for Alex. Jack would die for Alex, he knew that already, but someone else who barely knew him didn’t have to.

“YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO THE PLANE! I’LL KEEP LOOKING!” Jack yelled, hoping that Duffy would hear him no matter where he was. The snow was becoming more sharp, hitting him in the face like tiny knives.

He had to look down to breathe.

“NO! I’M NOT LEAVING YOU OUT HERE!” Duffy announced, barely being heard by Jack’s ears. “WE DO THIS TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL!” 


	19. Alex

“WE DO THIS TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL!” 

Jack sighed, knowing he should have been ready for that.

He tightened the hood on his head, running to another tree that was fairly obvious in the snow storm. It was huge, the branches hovering over the snow like a force field. 

It would give Jack enough freedom from the storm to catch his breath to continue searching.

He was halfway there when suddenly the floor was swept under him and he was falling right on his face towards the piling snow. He caught himself before his face made impact, his arms in front of his body.

It must have been hailing now with how hard the drops were hitting his snowsuit.

He put one hand in front and then the other, and then the other. He slowly began to crawl towards the tree, the impact getting softer as more branches covered him but his hands becoming more numb the more time they were in the freezing snow.

Right next to the tree, he took one more step before he fell to the ground. His breaths were obvious in the darkness, him not caring anymore as his limbs were too sore to move another inch.

But he felt something uncomfortable under his stomach, like something was digging into him.

He turned his head, the snow no longer blocking his sight as he saw what was right next to him. His whole body lifted up with a sudden burst of energy as he saw the snowboard that had been pinching into his side.

“Alex? ALEX!” He crawled over, his breaths becoming quicker than they already were. 

There was Alex, being slowly covered by snow but his face was still uncovered, obvious in the small moonlight.

Jack pat the snow off of Alex’s snow suit as he dug up Alex enough to pull him up to his leg. 

Alex was pretty lightweight so it wasn’t that hard and once his head was on Jack’s thigh, Jack finally felt like he could breathe.

Like really breathe. Maybe even cry, but he tried not to cry.

Alex’s skin was turning a slight blue, his eyes shut as he was unconscious. Jack pulled off his gloves, not even minding the cold as he sent two fingers to Alex’s neck.

_ Please be alive…  _

_ Alex I can’t live without you. _

He kept his fingers there for a few seconds, finally feeling the bumping of his heartbeat. It was light but it was something. It was something.

“DUFFY! DUFFY I FOUND HIM! HELP!” The yells were unlike the ones before, this time with more desperation. 

Jack stroked his hand against Alex’s face for a second before he wrapped his arms around the small body. He brought him closer to his chest to keep him warm. 

He wasn’t letting him go anytime soon.

Sure his muscles hurt like hell, but he would put them through more hell if it meant that Alex was getting to safety.

Something on Alex caught Jack’s eye when the beanie that was covering Alex’s head slowly slid off into his snowsuit hood. Jack didn’t understand what it was in the darkness until he was touching it to reveal a thick liquid.

Jack hesitantly pulled off the beanie, watching as more of the liquid started to gush out. 

There was a giant gash about the size of a baseball on Alex’s forehead and it didn’t look like the bleeding was stopping anytime soon.

Jack quickly stuffed the beanie onto the blood, hoping that it would keep it inside until they could get help.

“DUFFY!... DUFFY!” Jack yelled somehow becoming louder as a giant hole started to eat him on the inside. His nerves were on high alert and he could have puked from all the stress he was feeling if he wasn’t determined to get Alex to the hospital.

“Stay alive idiot. I need you to stay alive.” He mumbled, his voice cracking. Tears were on the verge of coming out of his eyes as he shut them violently.

“Please…”

“He’s still out there?” Camille asked over the phone as Aksel set it on Jack’s former seat. 

He couldn’t stand being alone anymore and the endless silence from the pilot wasn’t making him feel better.

“Yeah… yeah and I’m getting more than worried. I should have gone…” Aksel combed both of his hands through his hair as everything in his body was sending him warnings. “I should have gone Camille. Why didn’t I go?”

“Hey. Hey. Stop that. If you went out there then you would probably be in trouble too.” She started, frustrated and worried all at the same time. “His worrying for Alex is probably going to get him killed one day. But today’s not that day. Their gonna be fine Aksel.” She tried to comfort, but Aksel was barely hearing her.


	20. Hospital

Suddenly there was a rustling outside of the plane, the sound of footsteps in the snow.

“I need to go. I’ll call you back with an update.” He didn’t wait for Camille to answer back as he hung up the phone.

Rushing outside of the plane, he heard talking and the sound of a walkie talkie.

“I need a doctor ready for emergency surgery. Yes. One young man who has major trauma to the head, most likely a concussion and some fractures.” He heard the familiar sound of Duffy yelling but could barely see anyone out in the snow.

Until there was a movement that was coming closer.

_ Alex? _ He asked himself, seeing Jack finally come in the clear with something dangling in his arms.  _ ALEX!  _ He almost yelled, running over to the bodies that were now right by the helicopter.

“Is he ok? What happened?” Aksel tried to ask, Jack still caught up in his head as he trudged through the large amount of snow under his feet.

“He still has a pulse, but we need to get him to the hospital right now.” Duffy answered for Jack, gesturing to the pilot before he turned the ignition. The helicopter started up within a few seconds, the chopping taking up all the silence in the air.

The medic got the gurney out from the helicopter, forcing it forward so that Jack could put Alex onto it. Jack was hesitant, but knowing it was for the best and he couldn’t carry him through it all he helped them put him on.

They all got into the chopper, the tension rising as the medic began to bandage up Alex’s head to keep him from bleeding out until they got there. Jack didn’t hesitate before he grabbed Alex’s hand, tightening his hold as if to give him as much heat as he could.

So many things were going through Jack’s head, but one thing he knew for sure is that he would do anything to make sure Alex was as comfortable as he could be. Even if Alex wasn’t awake to notice.

The medic put a blanket over Alex’s torso as they started to go up into the air.

Aksel stayed quiet, praying quietly to himself as he brought a hand to Alex’s leg and kept it there. But when Aksel opened his eyes to look toward Jack he couldn’t stop himself from staring.

There was a look of caring in his eyes that he had never seen before in those same eyes. It was as if Alex was his world. It was unusual to Aksel because Jack had never had those eyes for Camille, where the look would be understandable.

The look even put Aksel’s friendship with Alex to shame, and that was saying something.

Aksel thought something more may be going on, but he just chalked the look up to how intense the situation was and left it there.

They stayed the way they were for the rest of the bumpy flight, too scared that something would change in Alex if they didn’t. 

It was a stupid reasoning, but it was keeping them sane through this traumatic event.

When Alex made it to the hospital, it was time for the riskiest part of their journey.

Alex still had a pulse, but it was fading sooner than any of them could have believed. Jack tried to tell himself it was alright in the helicopter ride, but everytime he checked the pulse Jack couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

He was keeping track of his vitals just as the medic was and it wasn’t looking good.

But he tried not to be a mess for the sake of Alex. When Alex woke up and heard about how much of a wimp Jack was being, he would never hear the end of it.

_ If… if he woke up… _ He had to keep reminding himself, which was probably the worst part.

He was there the whole time as they wheeled Alex down the hall and towards the surgery room. Keeping a hold of Alex’s hand as long as he could, not paying attention to anyone else as Alex was the important one right now.

But when they got to those big metal doors, he was kept from going inside.

And while he wished he didn’t understand, he did understand.

He had to keep himself still in those waiting room chairs, even though the doctors said he should leave as the surgery would take hours. He said he wouldn’t leave, trying to keep his leg from bouncing off of his body from all the stress.

He vaguely remembered Aksel bringing Camille to get him to take a nap. But he didn’t remember how that went and he guessed not very well because by the time he zoned in again, they were gone.

Jack didn’t judge Aksel for leaving as soon as he did because when the doctors called him or Jack did, he would be on his way in a flash.

Those hours were some of the most grueling hours he had ever been through. He couldn’t keep still for most of it, having to stand up and pace back and forth even as people began staring at him.

He didn’t know if leaving would make him go more crazy, but he knew right then that he was going insane.

And he couldn’t stop himself from hearing everything.

The ticking of the clock, the beeping of the hospital machines, the people who were chattering around him like everything was normal.

But the worst noise was the sound of a machine flatlining right inside of the doors that he was kept from.

His face changed from worried to distraught as he stared at those giant doors, waiting for a doctor to come out to tell him the bad news. 

He was waiting to be told that he would never be able to talk to his best friend again.

He was waiting to be told that his last moment with Alex was a horrible one.

He was waiting. Waiting and waiting to be told that Alex was dead.

His breathing grew shallower, the only thing that was on his mind was those doors. 

He didn't know how he would react if he was told he was actually dead. He didn’t know if he would break down crying or just sit there with no emotion. Because either option meant that Alex was dead.

Nothing could distract him now, not even the baby that had just come in who was crying like they were being murdered.

And then those doors opened to reveal a doctor who was now walking towards Jack. 

Pretty quickly he must say and his face said it all. He had the stink of death still on him as he looked down at his board with sadness.

Jack couldn’t prepare for anything, waiting until the doctor stopped in front of him.


	21. Doctor

Still waiting.

But the doctor kept walking.

Right past him, to a family who was huddled together. He told them of the news of their family member dying and they cried. But now Jack was the one that was confused.

He thought maybe this meant there was a chance that Alex could still have a fighting shot. Even after seeing how blue and cold Alex was back in the snow, he thought Alex might actually be fighting to stay here.

And Jack couldn’t hope for anything more. 

But he also couldn't hope for anything less.

The next few hours went by with more tension and waiting, Jack not being able to even think about falling asleep.

There was still a gnawing feeling in his stomach, as if something was trying to come out. It was probably from the acidy puke that was beginning to crawl up his throat at the thought of Alex not being in his life anymore.

His heart was beating somewhat normally but his head was pulsating out of control. It was like a tiny elf was banging on his skull with a small hammer and he did not like it at all.

He was slouched over, holding his hands together with his legs sprawled out. He wasn’t really thinking, more like staring at the grained white floorboards. That door that he shouldn’t look at was haunting him, practically teasing him to look back up.

But if he did, he would feel even worse.

Suddenly he heard that door open with a force, footsteps following it towards him. But he sort of just fazed it out for a moment as he thought it was another false alarm where a doctor was telling another patient their news or calling them back.

He didn’t think anyone would be coming to tell him anything anytime soon.

“Jack? Are you Jack?”

This is when Jack finally looked up, towards a female brunette doctor who was smiling down at him. He didn’t feel any death vibes from her and more of a positive bubbly feeling. It made him feel slightly less worried for a second.

He nodded to confirm it was him.

“Hi. I’m Dr. Malaki. I’m the one overseeing your…” She hesitated for a moment, looking towards the chart. “Your friend. Sorry about that. I haven’t gotten much sleep tonight and didn’t have time to fully read it over.” She said brightly, even after she said that she was tired.

Jack couldn’t quite see it. It made him feel self conscious, since he obviously looked the part of an insomniac.

“How is he?” He spit the words out, hours of anxiety having got to him.

She stared at the chart for a second, but not like she was looking it over like she was trying to figure out what to say. 

“That’s a very complex question.” She took a deep breath. Jack’s emotions were solely connected to her answer she was going to give. “He is… stable for now. But he hasn’t woken up for the past hour we’ve been watching over him.” Jack’s knees felt weak, which meant it was good that he was sitting down.

“What does that mean? What are you trying to say?” Jack finally stood up, no matter how his legs were feeling. He couldn’t sit any longer. He wasn’t trying to come out as rude or anything, he just wanted to know what was going on.

“There is a chance- you need to know that when he came in he had major trauma to the brain. The surgeons did everything that they could do to make sure there wasn’t as much pressure. But…” She seemed to be trying to be professional, but he could see the emotion running through her. “His body was also in shock and he had bleeding in more places than one. He has a few broken bones, the places being in his ribs and his arm-” She wouldn’t stop rambling.

“Doctor. I know your doing your best. But just give it to me straight. What aren’t you telling me?” He finally asked, everything having built up to this moment.

She nodded, finally staring him straight in the eyes with a sense of guilt. He tried to prepare himself for it, every bad thing he could think of going through his head.

“There is a chance that he may never wake up.”

But he could never prepare himself for that.


	22. The Darkness

Jack had asked to go see Alex, her not being so available to the idea at first as he looked like he needed sleep. But he told her that he would never be able to get sleep unless he did see him, and then he would have to be here again for not taking care of himself.

She took pity on him and let him into the room.

It was a long walk to that room, knowing that his best friend was sleeping possibly forever in there. There was so much to think about and yet Jack couldn’t think about anything except the fact that he wanted Alex to be awake right now.

He wanted Alex to be staring at him with those shocked eyes when he walked into that room.

But all that was waiting for him was an Alex that he never wanted to see. An Alex hooked up to cords going in and out of his body like he was a test subject. 

Jack almost couldn’t keep himself together at the sight, but he held himself together for Alex.

He walked closer, lifting his hand to lay on the bed as he watched the air from the face mask going into his body. She had told him how he was on life support because he had stopped breathing on his own.

Jack could barely move anymore, his body shifting down to the chair behind him.

He had never felt such a weight as he was feeling now, it was like an anvil had just fallen straight on him. His leg was twitching here and there and practically jumping with stress.

He didn’t know how to react, not when Alex was in that bed looking almost completely dead. Jack’s eyes moved up to the top of Alex’s head as he stared at the bandage around his head that was slightly red but apparently not enough to be worried about.

“I’ll leave you two alone…” The doctor didn’t hesitate before nodding once in respect to the situation and leaving out of the only door.

Jack didn’t move his eyes off of Alex, but he was starting to tear up. He took a couple of deep breaths, them just becoming shakier as he closed his eyes to calm himself down even just a little bit.

But it didn’t help.

He grasped his hand on Alex’s as he set his head down on the bed. His heart was pumping in his chest, but way louder than Alex’s and it made his own heart want to slow down. 

It made him just want to die, to be in his place instead of him.

“I need you to wake up. No matter what. I just need you to wake up…” His breathes were shaky but he got out the words, whispering and knowing the words would never work.

But he wanted them to work so badly.

“Hello?” 

The small word echoed out through the dark space that was surrounding the standing body of Alex.

“Hello!” Alex yelled out again, hoping anyone could hear him.

He didn’t like this place he was in, he hasn’t even noticed how long he had been in here. He just knew that it had been a long time.

He was almost shaking in fear, having all the memories of what happened before he ended up here.

_ Am I dead?  _ He couldn’t help but let the words bounce around his head. A new intense rush of emotions circled around him, almost suffocating him as he thought of the possibility that he could be actually dead.

His first thought wasn’t of being scared though, or realizing that he could have done so much more in his life. His first thought was about Jack, and leaving him on his own.

But then Alex thought,  _ would Jack even care by this point? _

It was a scary thought to think since they had been best friends for so long but it was something that he couldn’t ignore. Jack was going to be a father, he was going to have the distraction to get over their friendship. And he would also have Aksel.

_ They would become best friends… _

Alex wouldn’t even be an afterthought anymore, he would just vanish into oblivion and there was nothing he could do because he was dead.

His throat, if he even still had a physical throat, was vibrating with the caution of bursting out crying. He bit his lip, closing his eyes as the red hot tears pounded at his eyelids like they were an army fighting against an enemy.

He stayed like this for the longest time… before he just smiled.

Not because he was happy, or because he was over Jack but because if Jack was going to be happy without him. He would be alright with that. And the decision made every inch of him burn in pain, but he was alright with it.

Because as long as Jack was happy, he would be happy for him.

Alex suddenly felt a pull towards a somehow darker region of the space. He looked deep into the darkness, walking a bit closer with one step at a time.

“Come…” A raspy voice started to whisper. And while the voice did terrify Alex to his very core he felt like going towards it was the way to finally just let go.

He could feel everything just start to fade as he continued walking, he actually almost started running because all his worries seemed to be going along with him. And he just wanted it all to end.

No matter if he just went numb, because having no emotions must be better than having too many right?

“A-a----le-----ex.” A voice came from the opposite direction he was walking. 

Alex instantly recognized the voice even as it was starting to cut out like on a poorly wired phone. It seemed to be getting worse as he kept walking.

So he stopped.

He unconsciously stepped back a few times, the voice becoming clearer and his emotions coming back with it. He closed his eyes, a tear finally falling down his cheek as he heard the voice of Jack.

“Alex please don’t leave me…” Jack’s voice was the sound of pain if there was ever a sound for a feeling. 

And Alex didn’t open his eyes or see it but every time the voice came from that opposite side behind him there was a burst of color running through the room, at least running through the part that wasn’t completely covered by darkness.

“Leave him. He doesn’t need you.” Another voice, the raspy version came from the side he was facing and Alex’s face contorted slightly. “He’s going to be a father, he’s going to forget about you. He has Aksel. Let him go.”

Alex nodded, balling his hand into a fist and taking a step forward again.

“I can’t live without you.” Jack said, Alex completely halting again. He relaxed slightly, hearing the voice of the man he loved and he didn’t want to stop hearing that voice.

“He can live without you. He’s lying. Your almost here.” The raspy voice got louder, almost covering that of Jack’s voice. And he was already going crazy with the decision.

What was real? What was just his imagination?

“Alex? No… No.. ALEX!” Jack started to yell, confusing Alex but he crumbled to the ground, a sudden amount of pain rising through his lungs and body. 

Alex grasped his chest, the pain relieving almost as soon as it came. 

He looked up to the darkness growing closer to him, something having to be decided right in this moment and he couldn’t think of what to do.

He wanted to leave so that he didn’t have to go through this any longer and see Jack move on without him. Because then what would have been the point of him living?

All he knew now was that he wasn’t dead yet, but he was leaning more towards that option.

He just wanted it to end.

“I guess I have my choice then.” 

He took one leg and moved it forward to start getting up. 

With every movement, he seemed heavier. With every step towards that darkness he seemed to be feeling more of an intense pain in his chest.

With every realization that he was going to be leaving Jack forever, he could feel himself dying more and more inside. 

And outside.


	23. Breaking Down

Jack was scrambling to the wall as the many doctors began to loom over the suddenly dying Alex. Jack couldn’t wrap his head around what was going on, even as the vitals on the screen began to flat-line.

He had to wait in the waiting room as the hours passed by yet again, Alex’s life all the same at risk. And all the while Jack’s emotions started to become more and more numb. To everything except pain.

He couldn’t feel happiness anymore, he couldn’t feel hunger even as he knew it was there, he just couldn’t process. Not even as the doctors were trying to care for him by buying him vending machine snacks or as they gave him tiny cups of water.

Nothing would help him, not even the kindness of strangers. He did appreciate it, but it wouldn’t stabilize his best friend.

And when he was finally alone, no one in the waiting room for once and instead just him with his thoughts, something buzzed. Something that was not his phone as he had left it in Alex’s room.

He took the phone out of his pocket, seeing the familiar boring black case he had ridiculed on a day which felt like so long ago. It was Alex’s phone. He had completely forgotten it had been in his pocket the whole time.

The whole span of this tragedy.

There was someone calling as the buzzing wouldn’t stop, someone under the name  _ dirtboy _ . Jack already knew who it was but for some reason didn’t feel like answering it. 

Could he deal with any people yet?

Could he even deal with himself?

The answer was obviously no, and yet why was he clicking the green button that would answer the call?

“Emo boy, how the hell did it go?” Was the immediate answer, Carson's loud voice ringing through his ears. Jack couldn’t say anything for the longest time, the silence just taking over the whole room. The whole phone call.

He hadn’t even known that Carson and Alex were talking, and he thought that he knew everything. But it was becoming painfully obvious that he just knew the bare minimum. 

And that made him feel even more numb.

“Hello?” Carson tuned Jack in again.

“Uh… hi…” Jack’s voice was way more raspy than he had expected. It sounded almost like that of an old mans.

“Oh. Jack?... Wow… So I'm guessing it went well?” Carson’s voice was way more upbeat than anything Jack could muster, even in a fake way. And it made Jack feel all the more worse. But he was also confused.

“Went well? Nothing…” He almost couldn’t get the words out as everything was finally tumbling down for him. Every emotion was hitting him like a ton of bricks and he didn’t know how to numb the pain. “Nothing.. H-has gone well…” He got out, his voice becoming shakier as he clasped his free hand over his eye and just wanted to pull everything so that he would feel that pain instead of the pain that was growing inside his body.

He didn’t know what Carson was talking about, but he did know that he was not having the right reaction as the other line went silent with shock.

Jack was usually the one that kept everything light, so to hear him at such a breaking point must have been quite a surprise. Carson thought that he may have called the wrong person for a second.

Jack just quietly sobbed, clasping his eyes shut as he let everything take over.

The pain inside of him that stabbed at his innards like he was about to blow up, which he would have been fine with by this point. 

The anger that took over his mind, angry with himself and angry with the world for what they had done to his best friend. 

The sadness that gnawed at him like a new puppy.

The fear that he would never be able to talk to Alex again, and instead would be faced with the funeral preparations and the speech. He couldn’t even think of what he would say if he was given that job. He couldn’t even imagine the pain that would take over his body, but he knew that it would be more than unbearable.

Carson was freaking out by this point, worried that he had something wrong in the time span of their small conversation. 

“Where are you?” Was all he needed to ask.

And once Jack had gotten those choked up words out, Carson was already in the car, with Charlie, on his way.

“Nothing will change. You’ll still just be the best friend that is there for him for support and nothing else.” 

Alex curled up more into his body, which was almost impossible but he made it work. Maybe it was the fact that this was all in his head but everything seemed to be more possible here. Especially the feeling that he would suffer more when he was already suffering what felt like the max.

He tried not to listen to the dark voice that could only be his own fears in a way more butchered tone, but they were screaming at him with a loudness that he didn’t think was possible.

How could something be so loud? How could his eardrums not be bursting but yet feel like they were going to explode? How could his mind do this to him?

“When he says he needs you, he just means as a friend.”

“You will never be his lover, he will never love you in the way that you want.”

“You will always be his plan b.”

“There will be more girls if this one doesn’t work out, and then what? Are you just going to kill yourself? Come with me now.”

“He doesn’t love you.”

By this point, he was sobbing both inside and outside and the noise was echoing all around him in a way he couldn’t ignore. 

How could he ignore his own mind?


	24. The Words

It had been a day since Carson and Charlie came to visit Alex, who had stabilized, in the hospital and they were back again, Carson staring at the body in front of him as he did the day before. Jack knew that Carson wouldn’t cry in front of anyone, but he could see the tears knocking at Carson’s eyes all the same.

He put on hand and Alex’s body and closed his eyes for a moment before he sighed. And then those eyes that had been staring at Alex were now staring at Jack.

“Can we talk alone?” Carson asked, taking a peek at Charlie who was now looking away seeming a bit distraught. He knew what Carson was gonna say to Jack, and it was obvious that he didn’t agree and he made that clear when they talked yesterday night. But Carson had to put it out there, knowing what he knew.

Jack nodded, taking a second to look at Alex as Carson exited the room and stood by the door. Jack knew that Alex would be safe with Charlie, who was oddly quiet when he would usually be the positive energy of the group.

But taking in recent events could bring down any energetic person.

Once they were out in the hall alone, their backs against the wall, they just stood there quiet. It was clear that this was going to be a difficult talk, and for once Jack could see Carson trying to think about how to word what he was going to say.

It was another few moments before Carson cleared his throat, already having Jack’s attention.

“I know this might sound horrible. But I need to say it.” 

That didn’t make Jack’s heart settle. All Jack could do was stare at the bluish grey wall in front of him as Carson continued.

“This may have been for the best…” 

At first Jack couldn’t even believe the words that he thought he imagined them, but he would have never imagined that.

“What?!” Jack straightened up realizing the words were real and coming from one of his friends. He turned his whole body to Carson, hoping and pleading that he had some great point to that statement before he felt the need to punch him.

“Jack.” Carson started, fulling expecting the reaction as he remained as calm as he could be and turned towards Jack. “We both know that he was having a hard time overall and being alive was becoming painful for him. Whether you wanted to see it or not, it was there and I didn’t even have to see it. I heard it. I felt it when he spoke.” The seriousness in Carson’s face made Jack all the more worried.

He knew that Carson was thinking about Alex, but he still couldn’t believe this.

“He was so in pain that he ended up like this.” Carson finished. Jack looked to Carson again, somehow more furious than he was before.

“You don’t honestly think he meant to do this? He didn’t. He’s strong enough not to- to not do this!” Jack stuttered, an unbelievable amount of energy pouring through him whether it be sadness or anger.

“The point is still that he was in pain Jack. This isn’t about whether he did it on purpose or not. It happened. And maybe it was meant to happen.” Carson sighs, looking distraught as much as Charlie had been. Jack had to look away to not let his emotions take further control. “All I know is that if he does wake up, I don’t think he’s gonna be able to bounce back to how he was before. Not after what I heard from him.” 

Jack looks up towards Carson again, feeling a sense of guilt. But he didn’t know if it was coming off of him or Carson. 

But it was actually coming off of both of them. Carson felt like this was somewhat his fault for not helping Alex more and Jack felt the same. For some reason, Jack felt all of the anger he had moments before fade away.

“What did you hear?” His voice became grainy, kind of not wanting to know.

Carson stared for a moment, leaning back against the wall. “All I can say is even if he does wake up… he’s likely to still die. Just this time from a broken heart.” Carson couldn’t stare into Jacks suddenly wide eyes.

And that’s when Jack’s whole world went kind of dark.

He went through the motions, saying goodbye and Carson and Charlie. Carson apologized for what he said but Jack said it needed to be said. And then Charlie hugged him so tightly he almost couldn’t breathe. 

The two said their goodbyes to Alex before they finally left to catch their flight.

And then Jack was just left with Alex, like he had been before. But a new weight stuck on his chest. The room was oddly quiet, he couldn’t even hear the outside noise of the hospital.

All he heard was his breath and the oxygen coming through Alex’s mask.

He sat down, all the weight becoming too much to bear.

“So Carson made a good point today.” He finally started out with, hoping Alex could hear him. “...which is a shocking statement on it’s own.” He tried to force a laugh, but it ended up with him shaking and tears coming to his eyes.

“Alex…” He took a shaky breath. “I knew you were in pain. I saw that much. And I don’t know this person that you were so in love with that was the root of that pain. But it doesn’t matter. I’m gonna be here for you. And I’m gonna be your best friend. And it’s selfish…” He took another breath, a tear dropping as he closed his eyes.

“...but I don’t want you to go.” He tried to wipe at his eyes, but the tears just kept coming as his raspy voice made it way out. He couldn’t keep his breath steady for a moment as he thought of a world without his best friend by his side. “I don’t want to let you go…”

But he had to get this out for Alex to know. For him to be able to move on if worse came to worse, even if he didn’t want to think of that outcome.

“But… if you really think that you need to. Just know I would never hate you. I couldn’t think of ever hating you.” He almost smiled for no reason, just to have a bittersweet smile. “If your gonna be in so much pain living that even I won’t help… then know it’s okay. I don’t want to ever lose you… but if you really need to go…” He almost hiccups from the sobs coming out of his throat.

“Just know I love you. And I’ll talk to you again. Whether it be in real life… or the afterlife.” His eyebrows furrowed and crinkles appeared above his nose.

“I just wish I was enough.” 

He stuffed his face into the bed nearby Alex’s hand as he let the sobs make their way out in what felt like a never ending loop.

Alex keeps on the ground, his breaths becoming harder and harder to breathe. And his body pulling towards the darkness in a way he’s not even controlling anymore.

But the same words keep repeating in his head.

**I just wish I was enough. I just wish I was enough. I just wish I was enough.**

Jack’s voice echoed across the dark plane, the only light coming from the rainbow like it had before. His heart twists and turns in his head and he knows he may be making a terrible decision that will make him feel worse, but for some reason he doesn’t care.

For some big reason.

He uses all the power he has left in his body to move his leg forward. And then another leg. All until he’s finally up at least a little bit against the force. 

With every step there’s a pain coursing through every atom in his body, but he keeps going. He keeps going. And the darkness is pulling him closer.

But suddenly in a whisp of energy, he turns around.

And continues walking, even as the pain begins to become unbearable.

“I may be in pain… And you may be the reason…” Every imaginary breath becomes harder and harder to breathe but he closes his eyes against the tears to trap them and keeps walking.

“But Jack…”

And before he can finish, he’s gone.


	25. Time

“Please Alex…” Jack whispers, hoping he can in any way reach the comatose Alex’s thoughts. That maybe in some way, some miracle way he could help.

But those next few minutes were full of disappointment when Alex was still as asleep as ever.

So all Jack could do was start to imagine his life without his best friend…

No matter how hard that would be.

A few weeks had passed, Alex still the same as ever. No bad changes, but also no changes at all. It was as if he was frozen and nothing would wake him up, not even Jack. And that pained him so much, but he had to live his life.

Christmas was the hardest. Sure they were all civil because Jack had apologized to Camille for how he had acted lately and they were fine again, but everything else was just not… fine. Not even close to the word.

It was quiet and they tried to keep their minds off the tragedy by watching movies and having cocoa but the movies seemed bland no matter how good they were before this happened, and the cocoa had no taste. 

Jack didn’t know if anyone was having the same reaction as him though as they both just stayed quiet and drank their drinks as they kept their eyes on the screen.

Nothing, no matter how hard he tried seemed to bring him joy. And Jack didn’t even want to make a video for his channel. He made so many excuses before like he was busy or he was talking to Alex but now all his excuse was that he didn’t feel like it.

It didn’t bring him any happiness, and while he loved his fans they could never replace his best friend or make up for what had happened.

It seemed harsh, but it was true.

Jack kept coming to the hospital every day, the only thing that made him feel better about this whole mess. The fact that he could come to see his best friend in a bed instead of a coffin.

But even with that vague kind of joy came pain.

And then his worst fear when it had been a month came to light, the doctors had suggested pulling the plug. Jack didn’t even want to consider such a thing and he fought them on it the past few days, but now…

Jack was sitting in the chair staring at Alex. He was still the same as he was a month ago. No brain activity, no changes, no Alex. And then those words that came from Carson’s mouth echoed in his head.

** _Maybe this was how it was supposed to be..._ **

** _He was in so much pain Jack..._ **

And then it was Aksel saying how he didn’t want Alex to go through this pain anymore, no matter if he knew how he meant those words. And Camille telling Jack Alex was the same as last month.

Jack knew that he was being selfish by choosing to keep his body alive when he was no longer in it. He knew that he needed to let him go. He knew that it was time.

_ So why doesn’t it feel like it’s time? _

He slouched over, clasping his hands to his face. Camille took one of Jack’s hands in hers as Aksel, very close to tears, placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder. This didn’t feel like their moment, no matter if they knew Alex too.

This was Jack’s moment. 

To let go.

“I guess he made his choice…” Jack whispered under his breath, no one being able to hear him through his shaky breaths.

The doctor was making the arrangements after they all said their own goodbyes to Alex. They all decided to stay in the room as she did her work because Alex shouldn’t be alone at this moment.

None of them should be.

And in a way, it felt like Alex was in the room.

All of a sudden, with no warning whatsoever the machine started to beep frantically making them all whip their heads forward. The screen turned red with the heart levels rising too high. But then it just stopped. 

Aksel was the first noise that Jack heard as he stared at the straight line across the heart monitor, the sobbing that was coming from Aksel’s mouth as he tried to cover it almost made him break down.

But all he could do was stare at the screen. He could move, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t do shit as he just watched the evidence that showed that his best friend was dead.

The tears poured into his eyes but he couldn’t even make a noise or move his face, the confusion rising more and more over the seconds.

Camille moved to wrap her arms around Jack and he could tell she was there, but he couldn’t feel anything. All he felt was the chronic cold that was overwhelming his whole body.

The doctor went to check the pulse, making sure it wasn’t just a machine malfunction.

And then before Jack could finally let it all out, the machine started back up again.

But healthier, more in rhythm. 

Not like before, this was different… and Jack could see that he was right because the doctor was saying how this hasn’t happened before. Jack could see the air no longer moving through the mask, which had to mean…

“What does that mean?” Aksel was the first to ask, Jack moving away from Camille and scooting his chair closer with caution to Alex. And then Jack sees it. He sees Alex’s hand twitch ever so slightly in a slow quick motion.

It makes no sense but at the same time it means everything.

Jack didn’t hesitate before he grabbed onto Alex’s hand and almost jumped out of his chair. He closed in as close as he could go. “Alex?...” Was all he could ask as he tightened his hold on the warmish hand.

Jack’s eyes are entirely focused on Alex that any movement and he would see it. And he does, the way Alex’s eyes shift inside his eyelids, the way his body moves slightly to the side. And then he hears the groan come from Alex’s throat as if he was waking up from a long nap.

And then…

“...you're enough…” 

Jack heard it… no one else may have but he heard it.

And that’s when the tears begin to fall down his face and he can’t stop himself from wrapping his arms around the injured Alex. He tries to be gentle, but the overwhelming amount of happiness running through him is almost too much to handle.

He’s shaking and the tears are rolling down his face.

His best friend is alive. His best friend is alive. He almost yells out.

Jack can feel Alex taking a couple big deep breaths as he gets used to the air of his own lungs and the lights that are streaming towards his eyes. But when he finally is adjusted enough, even the tiniest amount, he wrapped the least injured arm around Jack and smiled to himself the biggest smile he has ever had.

And he can’t help but laugh a tiny bit.

This had to have been the happiest day of Jack's life.


	26. He's Back Baby

It didn’t take long for everyone to get used to Alex being alive again.

Aksel and Camille gave him a small surprise party where the video chatted a bunch of their friends such as Swagger and Fitz who were on a vacation also, just a less stressful one.

Carson and Charlie gave their congratulations through a phone call, Carson also taking the time to tell Jack to keep a close eye on Alex. Jack tried to ask who was it that hurt Alex so much, but Carson pretended to have a broken internet connection and that was the end of that.

Jack had to sigh a big one after that.

Alex didn’t have to stay in the hospital for long. Once he got his cast for his arm and some meds for the pain, he was set to come back home. Or at least the resort where they had been staying. 

And what had felt like a tomb to Jack before, finally felt like a happy chill place again.

Jack was given secret instructions to take care of Alex, and he knew Alex would make that hard for him being how stubborn he is but Jack was going to take care of him even if the doctor hadn’t instructed it.

Alex seemed to be back to himself, at least to everyone else. But Jack could still see the pain hiding under a thick amount of coverup. Jack didn’t know what Alex had to go through to come back to the world of the living, but he would make sure that Alex didn’t regret it.

Jack set Alex on the couch, Alex wincing like a baby but Jack still smiling as he placed him down and put a blanket over him. He made sure that his leg was elevated on a foot stool and just then the doorbell rang.

“Coming!” Jack announced, after making sure Alex was okay.

“Such a housewife.” Alex joked, smiling. “Gonna get the cookies out of the oven next Hoover honey?” Jack stopped for a moment, giving him a glare before he continued on towards the door.

_ Looks like Alex is back with his bad insults. _

Jack was happy with that, but Alex was the one suffering. Now by himself, he was just staring off blankly remembering the pain he went through in that hell hole. And the thoughts that almost caused him to go into the darkness.

It hurt him to know he almost actually left Jack, but it also hurt him to stay.

There was just no good option, either help out his best friend or himself. And even then would he really be helping himself by losing his life?

With that, he would have let the darkness win.

So maybe, just one step at a time.

“Hell-” Jack stopped once he opened the door, a smile coming across his face as he saw the man himself. “DUFFY!” He let out, suddenly letting his happiness take over yet again in a weird amount of caring as he hugged the dumbstricken officer.

Duffy still patted him on the back a few times before Jack realized that was unprofessional and moved away saying sorry.

“It’s alright… actually I came by because I heard your friend made a recovery.”

“Oh… do you need to question him or something?”

“No...no. This isn’t something like that. I just wanted to say how happy I am that it all worked out.” He gave a smile, trying to be a good neighbor and Jack gave one back.

“It’s more than okay. I couldn’t have gotten him back unless it was for you.”

“Don’t give me too much credit, I was just doing my job.”

“Well thank you. I really appreciate it. Even the lying about that machine being old.” Jack said, smirking a little having known, but it helped that he still had hope even when there was none.

“How could you-”

“Come on, Duffy. One of the pros of this place was the advancement in technology. It’s right there on the website.”

Duffy almost laughed, smiling in the end.

“Be safe out there. Try not to get killed.”

“I’ll try. Just make sure your friend doesn’t go for skiing sprees at night again.”

They both laughed, Duffy leaving with a wave and Jack giving one back before he shut the door.

Alex didn’t even notice Jack was back near him until he looked up at the worrisome face on Jack.

“What?” He tried to play it off.

“Alex… you know you can tell me anything. Right?” Jack asked, Alex raising an eyebrow before sighing and looking away.

“Carson said something didn’t he? That rotten…” He started but then just gave another sigh as he gripped onto the blanket. “It’s nothing. It was just a stupid thing that I did and-”

“A stupid person you fell for?” Jack intruded.

Alex raised his head up at this, his eyes wide. “What? Carson didn’t-” There was almost a betrayed look on Alex’s face.

“No. Carson didn’t say who, but he told me the details… you didn’t-” 

Now it was time for Alex to interrupt.

“I didn’t go on that hill wanting to die if that’s your question.”

“Then why? Why go up there at all?”

“I don't know… I…” The frustration was clear in Alex’s features. “I just… I wanted to feel something other than this pain that I couldn’t tell anyone about and skiing seemed like the best bet. I didn’t think I was going to almost die.”

“Why not tell me?” Jack finally asked, the question having gnawing at him ever since he heard about this problem. Alex could see the pain in Jack’s eyes as he had been in the dark, but the pain in Alex’s heart was even more unbearable.

“It had nothing to do with you. Not in a way you could help. And I just needed to figure it out before I did anything. Before I said anything.” Jack stared longer, Alex needed to speak more. “And Jack you are planning a life with your girlfriend. You can’t deal with my problems and you don’t need me anymore.” That part was hard for him to say.

As hard for him to say as it was for Jack to hear.

“Ale-”

“WE’RE BACK!” Aksel and Camille came through the door like a bunch of drunk people. Even if they had alcohol in their hands, not for Alex, it still was not an appropriate time.

“Let’s watch some good ass movies folks.” Aksel said, jumping on the couch next to Jack.

Jack and Alex stared at each other for a bit longer, before Alex finally sighed and pretended to be into the whole movie business.

But he could still feel Jack’s eyes peering into his skull.

And while he should have loved the attention, being in love with this dude, he couldn’t feel any joy in it knowing he was so close to being found out. And knowing what he knew. About the pregnancy.

He couldn’t know what was coming for him, which made it all so much scarier.

A few hours later, it was time for bed and Camille tried to make Jack stay by saying they could do the deed but Jack politely declined making his way back to the living room where Alex was staying for now.

“Hey.” Jack said, coming into the large living room. He saw an anxious Alex, barely being able to sit still as he tried to find a comfortable position to lay in. When Jack came in, Alex just sort of stopped.

He didn’t say anything and anyone could feel the tension in the air.

Jack didn’t take it as a caution to leave now and instead sat down on the only available couch, Alex’s back facing him. Jack took a large deep breath, his nerves not settling even as he was in the comfort of his best friend who he had waited so long for to be awake.

And here he was now, so why couldn’t Jack feel comfortable?

“I couldn’t go to sleep after what you told me.” Jack whispered, Alex adjusting slightly as he tightened his hold on the blanket draped over him. “I need to set one thing straight. You don’t have to say anything… I just…” 

It was obvious that this was bothering Jack a whole lot, Alex feeling a bit guilty for even having said what he said. He thought after that he should have just kept his big mouth shut.

“I need you to know that I do need you. That I always have needed you. And sometimes it may not be very healthy how much I need you, but almost losing you has made me realize just how important you are to me.” Jack said.

Alex’s heart quivered inside his chest, causing him to readjust again.

It felt so wrong for Alex to feel this way, yet at the same time it felt so right.

“And you are very important to me.” Jack finished.

“Until your baby comes into the picture…” Alex let out, half expecting a denial from Jack but all he heard was silence. And that just made his heart clench further into itself.

And then he heard kind of a gurgle, which made him confused and turn around to see an even more confused Jack staring at him.

“What- baby? I don’t have a baby.” He almost shouted out, Alex fully believing him all in an instant. So either Camille hasn’t told him and Alex just spilled the beans or-

“Me and Camille haven’t even had sex yet.” The words came like a river out of Jack’s mouth and Alex just stared in disbelief. But it also brought more confusion. Alex could see the blush across Jack’s face even in the darkness.

“Camille was sick… and the-”

“Yeah but she got better. And again… we haven’t you know…” He started to become embarrassed and Alex’s just sighed in a kind of relief.

Maybe he wouldn’t lose his best friend so fast…

“Don’t judge me. I just wanted to take things slow..” Jack tried to make a case for himself but Alex jumped up, suddenly all full of energy was he was anxious so much before. 

“No. No. You… haven’t sealed the deal yet..”

“Yeah well I thought this vacation would be a good time… but you got into some trouble.”

“Maybe it was fate.” The words seemed so cliche and dumb when Alex said them, but he couldn’t stop thinking it.

“Yeah… maybe it was fate.” He couldn’t help but just agree as Alex looked away and with a small kind of smile that made Jack’s heart skip a beat. It confused him, but somehow it felt like it could have just been…

Fate.

And this must have been why Alex had been acting so weird. It made sense now. Jack could see how thinking your gonna lose your best friend could make you do some stupid stuff. And act stupid at the same time. 

He could understand all too well.

“And plus even if I was gonna have a family, you would never leave me and just end up living in the basement.” Jack stated like it was just another plain fact.

Alex almost laughed. “No I’m living in the attic. Aksel can be the weirdo that lives in the basement.” He readjusted.

“Deal.”

They were hanging out at the bar the night before they were set to leave the resort.

It was a good change of scenery because back at the resort as Alex was healing all you could hear was Alex fighting with Jack about not wanting soup when Jack had made Alex soup. And it was playful a lot of the time, but now that Alex was feeling better it was a good thing.

No reason for them to fight if they are not stuck together in the same room the whole day.

They had just met a couple who had been in their room before.

“We moved to the honeymoon suite after we got married here. It was sort of a shotgun wedding after we realized we were pregnant.” The woman stated. “Oh I just remembered I may have forgotten my pregnancy test there. Sorry if that freaked you out.” 

Jack and Alex dashed their eyelines in the direction of each other, finally being able to connect all the dots.

Maybe it was just sort of… maybe a little bit…

Fate.


	27. Out In The Open

When it was finally the day and Jack and Alex were hugging alone, Alex felt something take over him. Maybe an emotion or a spur of the moment thing, but it took over and he couldn’t stop the words from coming out.

“I’m sort of in love with you.” 

Alex felt Jack immediately tighten up, and Alex tightened for one more second before he found out if he lost everything with a few words. Jack thought for a second that this may just be a joke, but then he saw the serious look on Alex’s face.

He only got serious every so often.

Jack didn’t know how to react, his heart beating from the nervousness and sweat starting to come out of the pores on his face. All telltale signs that this wasn’t going to be good. At least from Alex’s perspective.

_ It would be like Alex to say joking right now and start laughing like a maniac _ , he thought.

But Alex didn’t do any such thing.

And Alex didn’t have the right to hope for anything but yet why did he feel so hopeful? He knew how this was going to end from the beginning and he was expecting it. He was hoping for it before he said his confession because then it would be easier to move on.

But Alex didn’t want to move on.

And that scared him more than anything Jack could say.

“I’m sorry…” Jack had to avoid eye contact as he looked at the deep white snow. 

And with such an embarrassed Jack answer, Alex let out a big breath he must have been holding for some time.

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t even…” The longer Alex kept quiet, the more Jack seemed to be internally freaking out so Alex finally wrapped his arms around the nervous teddy bear and tightened.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t think for a second it ever could be.” Alex, even though the pain was digging into his heart, smiled. “And now I can finally move on. Get over you. So don’t even worry about it another second.” Jack took a second to catch his heartbeat before he hugged Alex back.

For some reason, Jack’s heart tore a little bit hearing about Alex’s plan to forget his feelings for him. And he didn’t know what that meant but he knew it couldn’t be good. Alex was after all his best friend. And right now, Jack was rejecting him.

Alex should have known that he would never lose his best friend so matter what happened. Even after this confession. And in a way it comforted him, but then he would have to see the cause of his pain for years to come.

It was bittersweet, but at least they weren’t done.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Jack asked like the good friend he was.

The tears almost caught up in Alex’s throat but he cleared them away and closed his eyes. “I’ll be fine… I promise.”

“I’ll still miss you.” Jack stated, Alex almost shaking but being able to keep it together.

“You already know I will too.” Alex responded, very clearly trying to keep his voice level.

“I should… I should help you to the airport.” Jack suggested, or more like demanded, as he moved away from the slowly recovering Alex.

“I’m fine. I only have a slightly broken arm by this point and it’s not even being felt with all the meds I’m on. Don’t worry.” Alex tried to keep him away. And not because he didn’t want to see his best friend for longer… but maybe that was the reason.

After all, he was being rejected.

“Are you sure?”

“Go to your girlfriend…”

“I’m really sorry Alex.” Jack was obviously pained by what was happening right now. And he wasn’t crying but he was almost quaking inside. The fear of losing his best friend if this went all wrong was just too much to even think about.

And not to mention the confession caught him so off guard that he almost had a heart attack.

“Don’t be. Us. We’re impossible like that. I don't-” Alex made a disgusted face. “How could I even suggest it. Blech.” He tried to play it off, but Jack could see through the facade so easily.

Jack pretended to laugh to make Alex feel better.

And soon, everything was said and done once Camille and him got in that car and drove away. Alex tried to keep it together as he watched Jack wave goodbye through the back window but he almost didn’t make it.

And once that car was out of sight, he was still staring but now tears were falling down his face.

And he couldn’t do anything to stop them so he just kept staring out into the snow.

“HEY ALE-” Alex turned instinctively to the noise, not even remembering the tears for a moment as they whipped across his face. And before he could even think to wipe them away, Aksel had already seen them and his face was already reaching a worried point.

Alex still wiped them away, but he didn’t try to play it off.

Because it hurt too much. His heart hurt too much. Everything just hurt too much.

So much.

“What’s wrong?” Aksel swooped in, grabbing onto Alex’s shoulder to stop him from turning away. Not that he would though, as every movement just made him feel more tired.

“I’m just… I’m such an idiot…” He finally broke down, Aksel swooping his arms around the tearful Alex.

“Hey hey… your nothing of the sort.”

“I am... “ He hiccuped, the tears becoming too much and his body not even functioning anymore as he put all his weight on Aksel so he wouldn’t fall over.

_ I’m such an idiot. _


	28. Party

The next month went by in a haze, Alex trying to be his old self and move on like he said he would. But it was easier said than done because no matter how much he tried to distract himself, all he thought about was Jack.

And Aksel kept bugging him, Alex not even talking about the break down again because he couldn’t admit what was supposed to have passed by now. His feelings for Jack.

So he spent most of his time eating and sleeping and joining the calls for their channel videos. He had to see his fair share of Jack and he acted like his usual self so Jack didn’t really suspect much. 

Aksel could see that pain, that Jack never got to be able to see, though. He saw it everytime Alex had to look at Jack’s face on the computer screen, causing Alex to eventually stop looking so much.

He thought maybe if he didn’t see the face he loved so much, that maybe those feelings and Jack’s face would go away from his heart and mind with time.

And then it got to a worrying point for a week where all Alex did was watch romantic comedies and yell at the screen that their love wasn’t realistic. And he may have even thrown some popcorn at the people on the tv also.

But that only lasted so long before he was back to pretending to be okay.

And then it was time for their monthly hangout and this time it was at Aksel’s place in Seattle. It was so hard for Alex not to say that he was sick and couldn’t come. But he also knew that it wasn’t only Jack that he would be avoiding by that point, it would be his other best friend Aksel too.

And Alex couldn’t do that to either of them.

No matter how bad the last hangout went.

It didn’t take very long for Alex to get there, at least it didn’t feel like much time. But in his defense, he was blanking out a lot on the flight and practically fell asleep the whole time. 

He needed his rest before the emotional turmoil he was about to go through.

Once that door opened after Alex knocked a bajillion times, Alex knew that it was time to put on the facade and he put on the most bored face ever.

“WASSUP LOSER!” Aksel immediately pulled the said loser into his arms.

Alex almost fought back. “Oh I don’t know just waiting out here like some helpless whore.” And then Aksel was laughing as he pulled Alex inside.

Alex couldn’t tell if Aksel was drunk yet, but he honestly wouldn’t be surprised.

He was looking around the room right as he got inside, the anxiety feeding on him from the inside as he could feel Jack was here. It almost made him want to run into a bedroom and lock the door for the whole night.

But instead he went towards the noise as Aksel did.

He had to face it at some point.

“Look who’s here.” Aksel pointed out, almost like Alex was the most interesting thing of the night. Or like he was an actual whore who Aksel had paid for for the night.

“Yeah we heard you all the way from Mexico Aksel. Hey quackster.” Jack, who had been sitting on the couch with Camille before, was now coming in hot and fast and Alex almost choked out. But he went with it and gave Jack a quick hug.

And seeing that curly haired freak for even a second made him realize just how in love he had been. How he still was. Even after he told Jack that he wouldn’t be anymore. It made him feel slightly guilty.

Jack could tell something was off, but he thought it would be best to keep it on the down low because Alex was trying. 

And so he would try also.

And soon after their whole reunion, they would play a few board games and even a little bit of truth or dare. But Alex had to turn down the idea of spin the bottle, being that there were only four of them and that was only with the “homies”.

It was a joke that caused Aksel to look at Camille and agree wholeheartedly. Jack even laughed, nervously knowing how Alex felt before but he still laughed. And anyone could see Jack was bothered, but he didn’t quite know why.

Was it because Alex had had feelings for him? Or was it because he still wasn’t over the fact that those feelings were gone?

He didn’t know what was going through his head so he just shook it off and continued enjoying the moment. No matter how much he wanted to eye that duck of a man.

Alex retreated to the comfort of the kitchen once Camile started to get handsy from a couple of drinks. Jack tried to be thoughtful, pulling her hands off here and there but eventually she just took over and Jack had to watch in guilt as Alex anxiously left.

Alex took the time to eat some snacks as he thought of his conversation with Carson right after he was rejected, well if you count the next day as right after. He didn’t know why that one memory came up, but it did.

Alex had been crying, over and over through the whole day and suddenly he had just felt the urge to call Carson once he had stopped crying for long enough.

Maybe it was to be mean… maybe it would make him feel better since he knew he couldn’t call Jack about this without said person turning into a jumbling mess.

“Your advice was shit.” Was all the came out once he heard the static that showed Carson had answered. Carson didn’t say anything, which is what made him keep going. “He accepted it. And we stayed friends. And I still had to make him go. I still had to watch him leave.” There was a hint of previous sadness still in his voice.

Carson was still silent for a little longer before he spoke up. “...You know I’m not the advice giver. Charlie is. Don’t blame me. But…” He took a breath, taking in the information. “... are you sure?”

“No shit your terrible at advice. And yeah. I’m sure.” His breath turned shaky, moving forward in his chair. “He rejected the fuck out of me.” Alex responded, the memories all coming back to him in an instant once again.

“Maybe put on a play?”

Alex legit looked up at that with the most annoyed face he could muster up. But it did slightly also make him want to laugh. “Your answer is literally shit Carson.” He settles on scoffing instead of laughing or throwing his phone. “What do I do? I’m literally drowning.” He finally reveals with all honestly.

“Alex I really want to help you… but I have no idea how. I don’t know how to deal with this. I got fucking lucky. Too lucky.” Carson answers back, his voice revealing how apologetic he is.

“Same coin. Opposite outcomes…” Alex says, taking another deep breath to steady himself.

“Hey Alex!” Another voice enters the chat, obviously being Charlie.

“Charlie. He’s going through something.” Carson tries to calm Charlie down from taking the phone, but Alex hears the struggle anyways.

“Hey Charlie.” Alex tries to smile, the energy of Charlie somehow hitting him through the phone.

An energy he kind of missed. That energetic happiness when you don’t know what’s going to happen next but your happy to find out. That energy left Alex when he fell for Jack and knew it wouldn’t end up good.

“Carson being depressing as shit?”

“No just not being helpful…”

“HEY!” Carson yells from another part of the room now.

“We both know it’s true.” Charlie says, obviously staring down the slightly agitated Carson. “So Alex. I am sorry to hear about what happened.” Alex was confused for a second, only then realizing that Charlie was in the room that whole talk he just had with Carson.

He decided he wasn’t annoyed and continued on.

But Charlie continued. “But just know if you ever need to talk. We’re here. Always.”

That sentence made Alex smile, somehow feeling a warm sensation in his previously sharp pained chest.

“I should probably let you get back to canoodling or whatever romantic thing you guys were doing.”

“Ew. Gross.”

“GROSS? You want to come over here and say that to me?!” Carson yells again, but this time with some blockage in his mouth. Alex can guess that he’s eating.

Charlie laughs to himself. “We were actually arguing over who should stream first.” He takes a second. “Anyways I feel like everything will turn out fine in the end. Just take your time and don’t do anything rash. Please talk to someone if you ever feel urges coming on.” Alex smiles at the thought being put into him right now.

And he feels vulnerable, but overall secretly glad that Charlie stole the phone. And even more glad that Carson had someone so caring, even if he would never tell Carson that.

“I will.” Alex takes a moment to smile again. “Also don’t let Carson stream first. He’s shit.”

“Sounds like a vote for me then.”

“We’re definitely getting a second opinion. I’m calling Swagger-”

“We both know he’ll go for you because of that favor he owes you.”

“Exactly my point.”

“I’m calling Cooper then.”

“Hey we both know he will fuck me over any chance he gets.”

“Exactly my point.”

“You kno-”

And before Alex could hear them move from fighting to makeup sex, he pulled the plug and hung up the phone.

He was actually able to smile for a little bit.

It wasn’t much. 

But it was progress.

And now here he was, the love of his life in the other room with his girlfriend hanging off of him like he’s the last man on the planet. And Alex knew he had no right to be bothered, but he couldn’t help himself.

He couldn’t help but fall for Jack more and more every time he thought of him.

But he had to put an end to this, so he started scrolling through his phone. He searched for the group call he had made with Charlie and Carson because those two had become his supporters in his time of misery and he needed an out.

He needed anything to get away from this.

“Hey.” 

A voice stopped him, his phone being sent down to the counter behind him. 

He let out a breath, seeing that it was Aksel.

“Need another drink?” Alex looked off to the fridge, eyeing his phone for a second before turning it off and placing it in his pants pocket.

“No. I actually need to talk to you.” Aksel stated, coming closer as he seemed fairly more sober than Alex expected. And maybe it was just him, but the air seemed to change to a serious tone in the moment that Aksel leaned against the counter.

“What about?” Alex tried to play it off.

“About you being in love with Jack.” Alex’s heart practically stopped at the accusation. The true accusation that he was ashamed of. 

Everything started to run around in Alex’s head.


	29. The Last Time

_ How did he know? Am I being too obvious? Can I throw him off the scent? Ho- _

“I’ll take that silence and those wide fucking eyes as a yes.”

“N-no. I… I-” Alex tried to stop the truth from becoming the definite truth for Aksel, but he couldn’t lie to one of his best friends. 

“It’s not bad to be gay.” Aksel stated, Alex furrowing his eyebrows for a moment before he looked away.

“That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m honestly fine if I am. I’m fine if I’m anything but straight. More options. Even Carson and Charlie ended up being gay and they were accepted. Swagger and Fitz were and they were accepted…” Alex stated, trying to distract from the obvious scenario unfolding.

“Then why are you trying to deny this?”

“Aksel. Why else?” Alex sincerely asks, Aksel shrugging and not understanding. “He’s my best friend. I can’t lose our friendship over some feeling that may just disappear with time.” He finally says, Aksel finally seeing what was going on.

He continued. “Aksel. I can’t be in love with Jack anymore. I told him I wasn’t. That I wouldn’t be.” 

“Hey hey. No I get it. I get it. It took a few seconds but I get it.” Aksel says, seeing that Alex was starting to even sweat at the thought of Jack figuring out his feelings again. “We’ll just take this step by step and figure it out. But… you told him?”

“Yeah. As we were leaving the ski resort. Just don’t tell anyone.”

“I won't. Just be glad you didn’t tell Cooper.”

Alex actually laughed at that, remembering when Carson told Alex the same thing after he told him about him liking Jack. 

_ I was so naive back then… _

“Thanks.”

“Now one second. Have to do something.” Aksel said, raising one finger before he started off back to the living room. Obviously curious, Alex followed as he saw Aksel go near the oh so loving couple.

“COWABUNGA!” 

And with that, Alex widened his eyes trying not to laugh as Aksel dived straight into them causing them both to separate on impact.

There were glares from Camille, but Jack was laughing for some reason. Alex couldn’t stop staring at the relaxed laugh. Not even as Aksel gave him a thumbs up, to show that dive was for him.

And while he appreciated it, something felt different with Jack.

Maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t mad about Aksel coming in between him and Camille, or… maybe it was something from before. Alex had been so focused on looking for a way out that he didn’t realize that Jack had been looking more and more uncomfortable in his relationship.

But he didn’t want to assume anything.

But he also strangely wanted to assume everything.

And then their eyes quickly caught on to one another.

Alex’s heartbeat was the first thing he noticed, how it strangely started to pound faster at the sight of those glorious eyes and how it could only ever react that way to Jack. But then he heard his laugh, an actual laugh, as Jack also started to burst into laughter.

It felt better than anything to connect on some level again.

“No I did not expect them to even talk about kids. Carson is like the most awkward being ever. Imagining him as a dad is a trip.” Alex stated, him sitting right beside Jack on their own bean bag chairs.

He didn’t know how it started but they had just begun talking and Alex didn’t want it to end. Aksel was keeping Camille busy but Alex didn’t know if that was for him or for something else. He didn’t want to wonder too hard.

“Charlie would be a top tier level dad though honestly.” Jack said, Alex laughing as it actually made sense. 

“Maybe more of a mom… he has that mother energy.” Alex said, earning a accepting nod from Jack.

“You know… I’ve missed this.” 

Alex wasn’t expecting that as he suddenly froze for a moment. Jack kept his eyes to his hands which were holding a glass of water as he felt a little bit nervous. 

When Alex saw how hard that was for Jack to admit, he spoke up. “Me too. I am really sorry about what happened last month but I promis-”

“Alex. I wouldn’t even care if you had feelings for me as long as you stayed by my side.” Jack said, Alex widening his eyes at the problem being spoken clearly. “Fuck that’s so selfish. But it’s true. I don’t know what I would do without you.” He finally looked up, those eyes that brought him so much happiness before, now boring into him.

Alex was the one to look away this time, a sharp pain filling his chest.

In that moment he thought of actually being stuck like this forever. Always being in love with his best friend and always just being the friend. He knew he deserved more and he wasn’t even trying to move on.

He said he was, but he never really was.

Because he was always hoping something would change. But hope was going to get him nowhere now.

“We need to stop talking.”

“What?” That sent Jack’s emotions going into a frenzy. Everything he was afraid of, coming up in one moment. “Is it because of what I said? Cause I a hundred percent take i-”

“No. Jack…” He looked up into those eyes, the tears clearly in his own. “I can’t take this anymore. I never got over you and I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not healthy.” He sniffed for a second, wiping his nose as he tried to keep it down.

Aksel and Camille were still in their own tiny world and this was Alex’s only time to get it out.

“So… this is just over? Our friendship is just over?” It was clear that Jack was feeling it. It wasn’t just some friendship to him, it might also not have been romantic, but it was something abnormal.

And he didn’t want it to just end.

“I think it’s the most mature thing to do.”

“Run away?”

“You know that’s not what I’m doing. If I was running away then I would literally be running away. Jack I need to move on. And I can’t do that when you are in my life.” 

“So is it my fault?”

Alex widens his eyes, suddenly shaking his head as he grabs the suddenly shaky Jack. “This could never be your fault. It’s all mine. And I am so sorry that you have to be affected.” A tear wanted to drop from Alex’s eye but he covered it up by pulling Jack into his arms.

“I don’t want to lose you.” Jack said through muffled whispers.

“...but you already have.” Alex tightened his hold, closing his eyes. “I haven’t been the same for a long time now. And you don’t deserve that.” He let that tear fall as Jack burrowed his face into his neck.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry.”

So then they just stayed like that for the longest time as no one else in the room even suspected two people breaking internally. There were only the sounds of other people talking and sniffling to distract them from what they were going through right now.

And both of them felt sick, but they also both knew even though they never wanted this to be an option, it was the best option for now.

They finally moved away, that sinking feeling still diving into their chest.

“So what now?” Jack asked, wiping away the somewhat secret tears he had shed. 

“We have today. Let’s try to enjoy it.” Alex suggested, wiping away the still coming tears.

And Jack didn’t want to even think about the idea of it all just ending after tonight. But he also didn’t want to waste his probably last night with his best friend. And he knew that after this Alex could just cut off connection instantly.

He did after all live in Mexico, and the rest of them lived in the United States.

They tried to smile at each other, even through the pain that was surfacing through both of them. Jack even thought about just saying he had feelings for Alex to make him stay, but he knew how fucked up that was.

What he didn’t expect at this moment though, was the uncontrollable urge to kiss Alex. The urge he had had since he saw the friend through the computer screen for the first time after their trip.

But he knew that wasn’t fair.

So he kept all that hidden. He thought it was just a feeling that would go away on it’s own and he was just feeling it extra strong now because of the separation that was going to be happening.

They put on those masks of happiness and excitement and even though it was fake, wholeheartedly fake, they still somewhat felt happy to be together even though they knew these would be their last moments.

They would tell no one else, not even Aksel. They would pretend that they talked when they really cut off connection with each other. They would pretend they were still best friends when really now all they were were a guy and another guy in love with that guy.

They jumped into Aksel and Camille as they started their adventure of losing each other. But they would try not to focus on that.

They spent the next few hours making jokes, remembering the good old times, staying close to each other's side, and just living in the moment. Even when they knew the inevitable was coming.

And when that time came… they had to act like it was all normal.

They were at the airport now, waiting to send Alex off. 

Aksel having said goodbye a few minutes ago with a bone crushing hug and an almost kiss on Alex’s cheek that he dodged the hell out of. Camille had said her goodbye also and now was just talking to Aksel as they gave the last few moments with Alex to Jack.

“The end of an era.” Alex announced, looking away for a moment before he caught Jack’s quivering eyes. “Don’t cry… I can’t deal with that shit again.” Alex tried to look away but Jack pulled him into a hug.

“Well deal with it.”

Alex tightened his arms around Jack’s shoulders, laying his head in his neck.

“I’ll miss the hell out of you Quackster.” Jack said, his breaths taking a few seconds to calm down. 

“And I’ll miss the hell out of you too Josh Peck.” Alex said back, not wanting to let go.

He just wanted to take it all away and just keep Jack by his side instead of letting him go for his greater good. But he knew that if he did that, Charlie and Carson would be mad as hell at him and he also knew that he would end up feeling worse over time.

And then it was time to go.

Alex’ flight was called and Jack had to be able to let him go.

To let him go forever.

Somehow this was worse than death, because this was all by choice. And he knew that Alex would be out there. But he also knew that he could never have contact again.

“It may not be the same…” Jack started. “But I do love you.” He began to untangle himself from Alex, taking a second to plant a kiss on his forehead. 

“And we know I love you.” Alex said, Jack being taken aback by hearing those words come from Alex’s mouth. “... just in the wrong way.”

Jack had heard the words before, but this time it was more raw, this time they affected him in a different way.

“Get going Alex! You’ll see each other soon.” Aksel tried to yell in, but the two kept staring at each other for a little longer, knowing what they knew.

And then Alex couldn’t take the silence anymore. He was about to start breaking down and throwing all his morals away, so he started walking away. 

And those steps to the plane were harder than anything he had ever been through. Even harder than that time he was in a coma and he had to walk towards life instead of death. 

But that’s how he knew that it was the right decision.

Sometimes it hurts more than anything to make the right choice.

And Jack was left alone, watching as his best friend scurried away from him forever. And he couldn’t do anything about it or he would just make everything worse.

All he could do was let the words that were left in his mind come out…

“...it’s not in the wrong way.”


	30. Surprise

It has been two weeks now, the longest two weeks of both Alex’s and Jack’s lives. 

Alex was keeping distracted by playing games, but most reminded him of Jack so he had to stop that, and then he tried to do crafts for a while but he just ended up making messes of glue so he had to stop that.

There was a cooking phase that ended up with his kitchen almost being blown up so he had to stop that almost instantly.

So he settled on Charlie's idea of leaving the house every so often so he wasn’t near his phone or computer. Because if he was, he would probably end up caving and contacting Jack.

Jack on the other hand was stuck in bed, having had too much time to think about his feelings and thoughts. And most times he was just stuck in blank thought, only coming out hours later when Camille called or texted.

He spent a lot of his time also looking at photos of him and Alex on his phone. One was particularly stuck in his album, the one of Alex on his back when they were hanging out with Aksel one time.

He was still stuck in the memory phase, not knowing how to move on from a best friend he never wanted to move on from.

He kept wondering about Alex and if he was doing a better job at moving on.

No, was the answer he didn’t know.

Every one of their friends suspected something up, only Carson and Charlie knowing about what was happening as they heard from Alex. They knew firsthand how wrecked Alex was. So they helped out by distracting the rest of the group from the suddenly apart friends and even making up excuses for either of them not being in the same chatroom.

And then Jack finally felt motivation to do something for once in the last few weeks.

He can’t say why he did, but after thinking so much, he just did.

He woke up from his blank state again when his girlfriend opened the door to his room. He saw her, smiling as he sat up and made himself at least a little presentable. She slowly sat beside him on the bed.

“You don’t deserve this. Me.” He sent his hands out to show him and Camille almost laughed, looking away for a second. It made Jack confused.

“You know. I was waiting for this. It was bound to happen.” Camille said, Jack raising an eyebrow. “Obviously I was going to notice the sudden sadness over the past few weeks. I’m not an idiot.” 

“I didn’t think yo-”

“At least you finally figured out you’re in love with Alex.”

“What?” His eyes went wide like an owl, making Camille almost do a double take in disbelief.

“You still haven’t figured it out?”

“I’m not gay.”

“Jack, this is the twenty-first century. No one’s really anything these days. And also at the same time they're everything.” Camille continues on. “What I’m saying is there doesn’t have to be a label for how you feel.”

“I don’t…”

“Can you honestly say that you are not in love with him? That you don’t think about him all the time? And not just because he’s your best friend but because of some other strange reason that is beyond your control?” 

“I…” Jack is barely beyond words as he begins to think over the past few months and everything that has happened between him and Alex. Every strange feeling he had no label for. Or every moment he felt like it was just yesterday it happened. “Your right…” 

“I know. I’ve been in the front seat of your budding feelings show for a while now.”

“I’m so sorry Camille.”

“No. I’m not. I’m glad I met you. And Alex. And Aksel.” She actually genuinely smiles. “And I hope we keep in touch because I really do care about you all. Maybe even invite me to your wedding.” Jack slightly laughs at this.

“First I need to go find him. What if he moved in this whole mess? What if-”

“Jack. “ Camille caught him at his sudden spiral of thoughts. “He didn’t just vanish. Aksel talks about him all the time. He’s still in Mexico and he’s really just taking a break from his channel as he tries to get over some stuff. The stuff being you I’m pretty sure.”

“He’s totally gonna be over me by the time I get there.”

“First of all who could get over you so fast? He was fully in love with you.” She states, smiling even wider. “And I guess this will just give you more motivation to go after him.”

“Ok first I need some-”

“It doesn’t matter. Fucking go. There are clothes in Mexico.”

“Your right.” Jack, suddenly up to his feet, starts running to the door. Only stopping short at the handle. “Thank you Camille. I really needed that.” He smiles towards her.

She shrugs. “That’s what exes are for.”

And then that’s when Jack ran straight out the door, laughing a little bit. 

“I’M ROOTING FOR YOU TWO!”

“Yeah I know but teal and grey? I don’t know.” As Alex was walking home holding a shopping bag, he questioned Charlie’s tastes on the phone. “Well whatever… anyways… how has…” He tried to stop himself from asking the question.

The rain that has been going on for a while, pitter patters against the ground. Alex doesn’t really care as he’s heading home anyways and he’s not in a rush to avoid his electronics.

“How has Jack been?” Charlie finishes his question for him, Alex nodding his head to himself. He stops for a second as he waits for an answer. “He has been avoiding the group a little bit, no one’s really heard from him for a while.” Alex looks down at this, sighing for a moment before continuing walking. 

“I’m really-” He looks up, stopping all together. “I’ll call you back.”

He hangs up the phone before Charlie can question him. 

Alex swallows a giant amount of spit as he sees the familiar figure waiting at his door. He keeps walking as the figure moves towards him.

His heart begins to beat out of his chest, the rain no longer being heard as he keeps walking forwards. It seems almost as if it’s been an eternity by the time they even reach each other.

There are no words.

They just stare at each other, taking the other in. There’s not much different about them, it’s only been two weeks, and the only thing that’s even close to different is the fact that Alex has left his house.

But it feels like it’s been forever since the last time they saw each other. And they both just want to pull each other close and plant one on the others lips.

“Hey.” Jack starts off, Alex looking away now as he can no longer look at the person who made him feel so vulnerable. Who still does. Jack’s hair is sopping wet by this point, his eyes barely being seen under the curls dangling.

Alex finally takes a stand, straightening up and staring Jack straight in the eyes. He wants to back down but he tries to keep upright. “What are you doing here? I thought we agre-”

“Alex. I wouldn’t come if I didn’t think I needed to…” 

“...” He shuts his mouth, wanting to fight back.

“I needed to tell you something.”

“So tell me.” He crosses his arms, his sass taking over as he tries his best not to start crying in the rain. No matter how long it’s been, he still has the pain in his heart and keeps remembering how Jack’s just gonna end up leaving him.

_ And then he’s gonna go back to his girlfriend… _

Jack needed the noise to say this, not imagining how he would if there was silence. How could he confess to his best friend when his mind knew that he had put him through so much pain? And how he could have stopped all that pain earlier if he had just realized earlier.

“I know you came out and all that by confessing… and I acted like such an ass. I left when I should have stayed. I should have talked through it instead of ignoring it.”

“I told you to leave.”

“But I shouldn’t have listened to you.”

Alex raised an eyebrow, his confusion overtaking him as he was spiraling. 

Why did Jack come here? To make himself feel better by apologizing when Alex was still in so much pain?

_ If he really cared and was sorry he would have stayed away _, Alex thinks as he wraps his arms closer to his chest and adjusts the bag in his hand.

“I’m so sorry. I was so in my head that I wasn’t thinking about anything except about how nervous I was. But I couldn’t live without you.” Jack continued. “I can’t live without you. I even broke up with my girlfriend to come here and say this… well I didn’t even reali-”

“You did what?” Alex interrupts, Jack catching back onto his eyes as he sweeps his hair away from his face. “But… you were happy.” Alex’s stance falters, the news making an impact in his shield.

“No. I wasn’t… Alex I spent the whole plane ride thinking and I haven’t been happy for a long time.” Jack says, trying to explain everything while still rambling. “There were so many times I should have realized it. But I was scared. Because I like you Alex. I like like you. All those high school feelings and shit and more. And I am willing to go all in if-”


	31. Hearts Collide

“Stop. Stop. Please stop.” Alex falters more, the words feeling like a dream, but the feelings erupting feeling like more of a nightmare. “Please just stop…” He tries not to turn away and lose to the pain, but he almost can’t stop himself.

“Alex?” Jack tries to put a hand to Alex’s shoulder, but Alex moves out of the way.

His mind is racing, having to bring a hand to his head to stop the spinning. He can’t even look at Jack, the tears knocking at his eyes once again.

“T-this isn’t gambling Jack.” He brings both of his hands to his head, internally feeling everything. “These are my feelings you’re tampering with.” He takes a step back, feeling a bit offended by the confession.

Alex can’t believe it’s real when all that’s happened between them is rejection. 

“Shit… I’m being stupid again.” Jack rubs his hair out of the way, the rain now becoming a nuisance instead of a savior. “I just really like you… see I’m not even laughing right now when I usually laugh at myself all the time.” Jack was rambling again, Alex shaking his head at the second confession.

“You.. you don’t like me Jack. You're just confused.” Alex starts walking towards his house, officially done with being told what he thinks are lies.

“How do you know I’m lying when I’m not even lying?”

“How do I even answer that question? The evidence is all there Jack.” He turns around in a sudden amount of passion. “You rejected me. Over and over again, even when you weren’t realizing it. You can’t just… you can’t do this because you feel something new.” Alex throws down his hands before going to unlock the door.

Jack rushes after him, Alex struggling with the key in the lock as his hands begin to shake.

“I know this is selfish Alex. More selfish than wanting you to stay when you had feelings for me…” Jack moves his hand to grab Alex’s shoulder but decides to hover over it instead, “... but I know that these feelings are real.”

Alex tenses up, his hand stopping as the key finally enters the lock. His eyes are burning by this point and he can’t think about anything except for the fact that he can feel Jack’s heat hovering over him.

And he wants to send Jack away so bad, just because it would be easier…

“You don’t have to accept these feelings… you could just send me away if you wanted.” Jack says, his breath catching in his throat. “I just needed you to know what I felt. So that maybe I could move on like you seem to have already.” His words seem shaken, the thought of Alex not liking him anymore taking hold of his mind.

There’s now silence, Jack moving his hand away from Alex’s shoulder and placing it back to his side. He’s thinking about just leaving now like he thinks Alex wants. He thinks that he was too late.

That he had his chance and he ruined it.

“Over you…?” Alex whispers. “How could I have gotten over you?” He can’t handle it anymore, turning the lock and opening the door. He walks inside, not even grabbing his keys, as he covers his mouth with his hand and tries to stay strong.

Jack looks at the open door, Alex only a few feet away near a dining table. He slowly takes some steps in, his heart aching at the fact that Alex is in so much pain because of him yet again. His footsteps creak, Alex jumping a tiny bit.

“You know… I didn’t even think it rained in Mexico.” Jack practically spurting out water with his words as he closes the door and tries to lighten the mood.

Alex drops his hand from his face, but raises it up to his wet hair to move some of it away from his eyes. The mix of emotions in him are confusing him more than ever and he knows what each of them are but he doesn’t know which one to follow.

There’s the sadness that makes him just want to ball from the pain Jack has caused him so many times already. And then there’s the happiness he feels from Jack confessing at all. But the one that’s more clear is the fear that none of this is real and it’s all a sick joke.

And then of course the anger that Jack would do this to him.

“I want you to know that I did want to stay away, for you to be happy. I wanted that for you. And I did miss our friendship but I knew that if I didn’t let you come back to me on your own it wouldn’t be the same. You wouldn’t.” Jack starts, him coming closer to Alex a tiny bit. “But then I didn’t want it to be the same. I didn’t want to just be friends Alex.”

“...”

“I wanted to be with you in more than just a friend way. And I think that these feelings have been here for a long time. I’ve just been too dumb to notice.” 

Jack notices how quiet Alex is, and it reminds him of when Alex still liked him and had to ignore him. And Jack realizes just how much he misses the real Alex that is hiding under all that pain.

“Y-you can’t do this to me.” Alex reaches his breaking point, Jack hearing through the cracking in his voice. “You just can’t. It’s been hell and I just can’t do it anymore…” Alex’s shoulders slouch over, shaking slightly.

Jack reaches a tipping point seeing Alex like this for the first time in a long time and rushes over to be in front of Alex. Alex tries to turn away, the tears not stopping but Jack grabs onto the sides of his head. “Hey… hey…”

Alex closes his eyes, trying to not let anything come out and let Jack see how weak he is. But Jack can feel it, so he shows Alex it’s okay as he places their foreheads together gently. Jack closes his eyes also, taking a breath.

“I am not playing some ruthless game. I’m just as much in this as you were before and I can tell you that even if you don’t believe me, this is real.” Jack slides his thumb up and down against Alex’s hair. “I am 100 percent in love with you.”

Alex is quiet, his reddish eyes opening for a moment as he stares at the man in front of him. Inches apart from him, is the man that he has loved for more than he wished he had. And all that anger and sadness he had before seems to fade away into their feelings. 

“I love you Alex.” Jack reassures. “So please tell me you love me too. Or tell me to leave right now.”

Jack keeps his eyes shut, the fear taking over as he feels calm but he knows he shouldn’t be. His life could end right in this moment if Alex told him to leave. Because all of a sudden, Alex was his life.

Alex raises his hand up, placing it on Jack’s cheek. Jack opens up his newly tearful eyes to this touch, staring into the eyes of the man he knows he loves now. And he wished he had known earlier.

“If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to make sure that you never leave.” Alex ended up saying, Jack staring for the longest time before widening his eyes.

Alex gave a small smirk, his mind being made up as Jack also made his up and smiled even wider. They both didn’t know what to do for a few moments, being lost in each other’s eyes and the fact that their feelings were reciprocated. 

“Then I guess I’m becoming a slave.” Jack responded, Alex smiling a bit wider as he closed in the space between their already close lips.

There were a few breathless moments, their lips making contact for a second before they went all in and smashed their lips together. They just pecked each other a few times, getting the hang of the feeling.

The electric energetic kind of feeling they both missed from each other.

And then they just deepened the kiss like it was natural for them.

There was no one to stop them, so they could have gone even farther but they just stayed in this moment for a long while before they had to pull away. They had to catch their breaths, closing their eyes as they kept their foreheads together.

“If it’s not obvious…” Alex said in between breaths. “I’m in love with you.”

Jack smiled once again. “Noooo.” He said sarcastically, Alex almost hitting him but settling on pecking his lips again and biting his bottom lip a little bit. 

_ I could get used to this _.

And then they just smiled for the longest time, being in bliss and their own little bubble.


	32. The Last Chapter

“Why is everyone in this group mating with each other? I feel like I’m the only one that is sane and straight.” Cooper almost shouts out.

They are in a group chat consisting of Swagger, Fitz, Carson, Charlie, Jack, Alex, Aksel, Schlatt, and Cooper. Jack and Alex, who had to be separated by a plan after their weekend together, had just gotten done telling them the good news.

Well that wasn’t the meaning of this group chat in the first place. Jack and Alex decided to play a game with the group, the group definitely noticing how happy they were and asking if they were on drugs.

Alex just casually mentioned he was getting that dick, specifically from Jack. Jack laughed, but the whole group knew that they were serious.

And then they all freaked out and stopped playing.

There were lots of questions, like who was on top and when did this happen. But then there were just an overwhelming amount of congratulations and while Alex or Jack didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, they were not embarrassed to answer any questions.

But they also had to keep some secrets from their friends depending on the sexualness of it. Especially since the first time they tried to do it, Alex was the one that started crying and Alex wouldn’t let them know that happened. 

“I can change that if you want.” Schlatt smirked, Cooper rolling his eyes and almost smashing his keyboard.

“We all know that you and Minx are slutting each other up so just admit it.” Cooper angrily says, having had this argument with Schlatt more than once now. After the Rajjchelor show, it was so obvious but Schlatt wouldn’t admit it.

Schlatt was off more than usual, which is saying something, and he was caught texting her on multiple occasions. Weird ass chats too like stuff about a butt cream banana which no one wanted to ask about.

And it’s not even the fact that they are mad about it, they would be so happy for Schlatt, but it was that fact that he wouldn't tell them. They were expecting this to just be a bit by this point but they had a feeling that it was something more.

“This conversation isn’t about me Cooper so stop bringing it up. And slutting it up? Get some better words.” Schlatt retaliated with, knowing full well what he knew. That he had been dating Minx for months now and was actually thinking about asking her to move in.

Only so soon because they had this immediate connection and also because she lived so far away that he either wanted to come to her or for her to come to him. He would be flexible with anything, if they could just stop having to fly over to each other only a few times a week.

“Nah. I think I want to talk about this Schlatt. Right Jack?” Alex suggested.

“Yeah. This is way more interesting.” Jack agreed.

“Shut up guys. I don't even… It’s not…” Schlatt tried.

“Schlatt at a loss for words? Now this is a first.” Carson laughed, Schlatt glaring at him through the camera.

“We all know that Delirious and Vanoss getting together is more interesting than this.” Schlatt said, trying to get them off the topic of him.

It was known by everyone after their coming video. They had visited each other, mask off and everything, and over the next few months they just clicked in a way they hadn’t before and fell in love. They still bicker like hell over videos, but now there’s an actual old married couple vibe.

“Yeah. Maybe. But we want to talk about this.” Charlie said, Carson shuffling in closer to his boyfriend since they were trying to sit in the same chair. “Carson stop fucking squishing me.” Charlie adjusted, but Carson hugged more.

“...fine.” Schlatt sighed. The group leaned in more, Charlie and Carson stopping their fighting to listen also. “We have been dating for a while and I wanted to tell her before saying anything… but I’m asking her to move in with me.”

There was an immediate shock, everyone almost gasping at the news. They couldn’t gather their happiness in time before it all just came out in the form of spewing nonsense of congratulations.

“I guess I’m not the only straight one.” Cooper smiles, slightly clapping.

“Yeah… I’m kind of nervous though. This is my first actual serious relationship and I-”

“Serious enough to have sex before marriage?”

“Ooo… idk but I’ve thought about it.”

There were gasps escaping their throats now.

“You really do love this girl. Dude I’m so happy for you.” Carson said, actually being excited. “And we’re here to help out if you need us in asking her to move in.” Schlatt smiled at this, feeling a tiny bit better.

“But anyways we can talk about that later. And we will also definitely be talking about Alex and Jack coming to Pax.” Schlatt said.

“Oh yeah. Definitely. We need to see this couple in action.” Carson said.

“But let’s game for now.” Jack suggested, taking off the pressure for Alex to go to PAX. Because he had such a problem before and Jack didn’t want to pressure him no matter how much he wanted him to come.

So they began to set up the game, the chat moving to other things as Jack was looking at his phone for a moment. Alex stared at the screen where Jack’s face was and smiled to himself in the dumbest way possible.

His smiles were always dumb, but this one was a purposeful dumb one. Alex grabbed his phone in an instant.

A ding came from Jack’s soon after.

_ ‘Let’s go to PAX. I’ll be alright with you by my side.’ _

Jack stared at the message for the longest time before it registered.

And then he looked up, smiling.

Alex nodded.

Jack smiled wider.

And Alex actually felt like he could do this. Like his anxiety could be tamed with Jack there for him in a way he had always wished for.

That he could actually make it…

With Jack.


End file.
